The Beauty of Our Stories

I had a great conversation with a wonderful friend of mine tonight. She too is dealing with infertility. Our stories are similar in many ways - tried for months with no success, no success on clomid, and we both deal with anovulation. Our other good friend is also dealing with a form of infertility - miscarriages. We were talking about how God leads differently in each story, and that each one is beautiful. God is leading them to adoption. God is leading us to seek treatment. God is leading our other dear friend to wait to try again when He says so. I think that it is so incredible that we don't have sit and tell each other, "you should do this" or "you should do what I did," but that we can recognize that we each have our own individual journeys and that God speaks to us all and is guiding us down our paths. And it is beautiful to see people listening to and following God. In all of our situations, we have prayerfully sought after God's guidance and wisdom, and have made decisions purely based on that. And we are able to spur each other on and be a source of strength for each other. 

 There is so much beauty in that!

Finally...Some News!

I got a call last week from my RE saying that they had a cancellation and could get us in earlier than expected for our consultation. Of course, I grabbed it. I could not even think of waiting another week and a half for our appointment.

I took off work and Michael left work and met me there. Sitting in the waiting room was excruciating. My heart was racing and my mind was going a million miles a minute. God knew that I needed to hear that people were praying for us, because I received two prayerful texts as I was sitting there. I also logged into my blogger account to see new posts, and one of them just happened to be Psalm 91. Exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Then, my name was FINALLY called!!!

We went into the RE's office where he began to go over all of the results from the testing we had done. He started with the good - my ultrasounds looked great, my ovaries were producing great follicles and I had many eggs; Michael's SDFA came back normal; and Michael's second sperm analysis showed improvement! The analysis showed that there was a good count and the shape was good. The motility improved from 28% to 32%. Still lower than "normal" (50%), but Dr. R assured us that it won't be an issue with the treatment options that we have. And, my HSG went well and cleared out blockage (if any) from my tubes. As for the bad...my blood results showed that my hormones are still flat-lined, that there is no cycle to them whatsoever. The RE speculated that this was probably caused by my pituitary gland not sending the signals that it should. This result is no ovulation. Sadly, there is no treatment to correct this.

So our diagnosis is: anovulatory infertility and mild male factor infertility.

Our new treatment plan: Scratch the clomid, it obviously hasn't worked. Take progesterone to induce a period, then begin a new fertility drug, femara. Do several ultrasounds to monitor ovulation progress. Do hCG injection(s). Do a lot of baby making. Repeat if no BFP, but add IUI.

It's interesting, I kind of had a feeling that a form of assisted reproductive technology (ART) would be our best chance for pregnancy. And our RE recommended IUI. Once again, I have been researching that like crazy. We were given the choice to go on the new drugs and then do IUI a month later, or do IUI immediately. When we were in the RE's office, we decided to try the drugs first and then IUI, but I am starting to question that. Here's why: the month of new treatment will be expensive because we have exited out of diagnostic and into fertility treatments. An IUI would only add $350. And when doing an IUI, you still have to go on all of those new drugs. So, in my mind, I am thinking, "why not do the IUI right away instead of waiting a cycle while I am on the drugs? I have to take the drugs with or without an IUI." Our RE said it was our choice, but that IUI is the best chance for us to get pregnant. So, I am trying to decide what to do. I have a week or so to decide. I am seeking God in all of this, I know He will make the decision clear for us.

God gave us the go-ahead to do the testing and procedures, and I am so glad we did. Infertility is a tricky thing to diagnose, and I found out that seeking testing and treatment will increase our success rate better than if we were to do nothing. I discovered along the way that our OB/GYN cannot really help infertility cases- they only know and can do so much. One of our best decisions was to see a RE. (We set aside two months to pray before we made the decision to meet with the RE. We wanted to make sure that this decision was directed by God.) After trying for over a year and getting no period, I knew something was wrong and that we would need the proper help. Of course, I hopped online and researched like crazy and pretty much had my self diagnosed. That is one of the dangers of online researching - you find all of this information that is usually all negative and I had diagnosed myself as infertile and that I may never get pregnant. The several failed clomid treatments also added to my discouragement. Michael's sperm analysis also pointed towards doom and gloom, but after seeing my RE, I soon found out that having a 50% motility rate cannot be considered the "normal." Every man is different, and as the RE explained to me, there are several millions of sperm and if you have 20% motility rate, that still means that you have thousands upon thousands of good swimmers, and it only takes one! That changed my perspective a little bit. And, he also told us that the majority of men do not have a 50% motility rate, that it cannot be considered normal. Although the testing did show that I do have an infertility diagnosis, the testing showed what the best treatment for us would be.  None of the above is meant to diminish what Michael and I have been going through. Negative results month after month and an infertility diagnosis has been exhausting and depressing. But through all of the testing and consultations, I guess I have been given a new glimmer of hope - that our case is not hopeless. I am excited, scared, and nervous to try the new treatments.

My emotions are going crazy, as they have been. Sometimes I think "This is it! This is going to work!" and other times I doubt it completely. I just don't want to get too hopeful and then be sorely disappointed. I'm still riding that roller coaster.

I am claiming God as my healer, and that He is the only one who can cause a pregnancy for us. I believe He has provided the right doctors for us and that He will be working through our treatment of drugs and IUI. To Him alone be the glory.

And yes, for now I am not coming out of the closet about our infertility. So, I am an "in-the-closet infertile." Michael and I have not felt led yet to share this publicly. But who knows? That day may be coming sooner than later...

A Letter to my Future Child

My Darling Little One,


Today I heard a song that made me think of you. The words said "I wanna give you the world, I wanna hold your hand. I wanna be your mom, I wanna hold you close for as long as I can...I wanna show you what it means to be loved." 

Do you know that you are already loved so much, even before you are in my womb? Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, and that my heart swells with the love that I already have for you. I have so much love in my heart and daddy does too; we can't wait to show you what it means to be loved. 


Your daddy and I pray for you every day, that God will give you to us soon, but that we know He is making us wait for you for a reason. I don't know why we have to wait for you, but I know that when you do come, the wait will be worth it.


The moment we find out that you are coming will be a great day of rejoicing. God will be given all the glory, and you truly will be a miracle. Daddy and I have spent many months fighting for you, and the moment you arrive, we will dedicate you back to the Lord. God has great plans for you. I am already praying and know that you will do extraordinary things in the name of Jesus, and that you will be a part of God's ultimate redemptive purpose. 


Oh, sweetie, I can't wait to hear your voice crying out, to see if your eyes are blue like mine and daddy's, and to see if you are born with red hair like me. I can't wait to dress you in beautiful clothes, and to change your diapers. I can't wait to wake up with you throughout the night, and snuggle you back to sleep. I can't wait to sing over you. I can't wait to kiss your delicate cheeks. I can't wait to chase you around until I am exhausted. I can't wait to just look at you and just take you in. I can't wait to hold your hand. I can't wait to see our house full of toys for you, scattered across the floor. I can't wait to count your precious fingers and toes. I can't wait for bath time. I can't wait to gaze upon the precious miracle that you are. I will never take a day with you for granted. 


I love you, my sweet miracle!


Love,
Mommy

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.

Lord, hear my voice; let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.

If You, Lord, should keep account of and treat us according to our sins, O Lord, who could stand?

But there is forgiveness with You, just what man needs, that You may be reverently feared and worshiped.

I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

I am looking and waiting for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, I say, more than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the Lord!

For with the Lord there is mercy and loving-kindness, and with Him is plenteous redemption.

And He will redeem Israel from all their iniquities. 

Who HE is...

It took me thirty-one years and suffering for my heart and mind to be consumed with God Himself, not His gifts, as my treasure. I'm finally satisfied."

-Matt Hammit

Seek God's face, not His hand. Don't seek God for what He can do for me, but seek God for who He is.

-Joyce Meyer

A Peaceful Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster. Up, down, quick turns to the left and right, spirals, and even parts where you hang upside-down. Some days I am creeping slowly up with the top in view, and other days, I feel like I am crashing down and hanging on with all of my might. 

There are days where I am laughing and cheering in anticipation, and days where I am screaming at the top of my lungs out of fear and not knowing what is coming. There are days with unexpected turns and spirals that jerk around. 

This is no 2 minute ride. This is a ride that endlessly lasts day after day. Some days when I wake up and think "Am I still on this ride? Is this some cruel joke?" Oh, how I want to get off. I want to step off of the ride and be greeted with a positive pregnancy test and a growing belly.

But over the past few weeks as I continue on this ride, I have felt...peace. When I came to my place of brokenness, I made a decision to let peace rule my life. We haven been given peace as a part of our inheritance with Christ. I just needed to ask God for revelation about how to access it. And my answer was: prayer, reading the Word, killing the flesh, and guarding my mind. Now, those things are not easy to do. But since I started doing them every day or at least giving it my best shot, these things have happened: I don't feel as sick and nauseated all the time, my feelings of anxiety have lessened, I'm not as depressed, and I'm feeling joy again! Do I still have my bad moments? Yes, of course, daily! There are times where my mind and emotions still go crazy. But I continue to pray for revelation about how to access peace and I pray for wisdom on how to choose peace over my emotions. And when I do so, I feel God's peaceful Spirit calm me down.

So, I am continuing to ride this peaceful roller coaster, day in and day out; up, down and side to side, spirals and all, expectantly waiting for the day I can finally step off!!!

Song of the Week!

Great Quote...

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama

 and the people who create it. 

You surround yourself with people who appreciate you,

 

make you laugh, 

help you forget the bad, & focus on the positive. 

So, love the people who treat you right. 

Pray for the ones who don't.

 Life is too short to be unhappy. 

We all make mistakes...Today is a new beginning!

A Timely Message From Peter

1 Peter 5:10-11

So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power to Him forever! Amen.

I don't know when, but I know this suffering will end. It may end in a few weeks, months, or years. Or it may end when I am standing face to face with my Creator. But I know that these sufferings are for Christ's redemptive purpose. They hold reason and a great purpose. My vision is just too narrow to see it right now. I have seen Christ's strength and support. I eagerly await to see restoration - that may come in the form of a pregnancy on my own, a medically aided pregnancy, or no natural children.

My hubby and I had a great Monday yesterday - we both had the day off. We filled the day with relaxation. At one point while we were snuggling on the couch, I looked over and simply gazed at him. I do this a lot. When Michael notices, he usually says "Why are you staring?" and I reply "because I can." Most times it is because I look at him amazed at his love for me and my love for him, and at the incredible man he is and becoming. But yesterday, a reality hit me as I gazed at him - we are the only ones left to carry on the Swift name. Michael's grandparents only had one miracle baby- Scott, Michael's father, and he died in his 30s. Michael has one sister, with two daughters. That just really struck me yesterday, and I once again felt the weight that I know all too well.

So I cling to 1 Peter 5:10, knowing that this suffering is only temporary, and that God will transform it into something beautiful. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I simply know that He is the Great I AM.

Writer's Block

It's official. I have a severe case of writer's block. I have failed at my goal of blogging 2-3 times per week. I have tried to sit down and blog, but nothing cohesive has come out, so for now, I leave you with some Scriptures that have been speaking to me over the past few days. No incoherent blog post of mine can compete with that!!! Blessings...

Genesis 18:13-14 AMP
And the Lord asked Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying, 'Shall I really bear a child when I am so old?' " Is anything too hard or too wonderful for the LORD? At the appointed time...

Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG
Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're in between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Saviour. I paid a huge price for you...that's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

Matthew 5:5, 8 MSG
You're blessed when you are content with just who you are - no more, no less.
You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

James 5:13, 17 MSG
Are you hurting? Pray. Do you fell great? Sing.
The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.

Isaiah 32:9-10, 15 MSG
Take your stand, indolent women! Listen to me! Indulgent, indolent women, listen closely to what I have to say. In little over a year from now, you will be shaken out of you lazy lives.
Yes, weep and grieve until the Spirit is poured down on us from above.


Philippians 4:6-7 MSG
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praise shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

James 1:2-4 NIV
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trial of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Psalm 27:13-14 AMP
What would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Proverbs 4:20-22
My daughter, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. Let them not depart from your sight; keep them at the center of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh.

Proverbs 17:22 AMP
A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Psalm 103:1-3 AMP
Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is deepest within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not one of all His benefits - Who forgives every one of all your iniquities, Who heals all of your diseases.

Genesis 15:1 AMP
Fear not. I am your shield, your abundant compensation, and your reward shall be exceedingly great.

Ephesians 2:14
For He Himself is our peace.

John 14:27
Peace I leave you; My own peace I now give and bequeath to you.

Psalm 3:3
But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory, the lifter of my head.

Psalm 13 NLT
How long? O, Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. But I trust in You unfailing love. I will rejoice because You rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me.


Zephaniah 3:17 NIV
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

And I pretty much could include the entire book of Psalms...