Prayers for Relief

Not too long ago, I wrote a blog post called "A Thorn In My Flesh" where I described a back injury that I have. This injury causes me to live in daily pain. 

And honestly, the last two nights have been horrendous when it comes to the pain. I've tossed and turned all night long, and I cannot get any relief. Then I am exhausted during the day and, I will admit, crabby.

It has been the worst pain that I have experienced since the accident. This morning, as I got up and got ready to go to work, the pain was so intense that I thought I was going to throw up. 

I know my body is going through a lot with the pregnancy, and I am definitely not one to complain about it. All of my bodily changes, slight aches and pains are totally worth it. But, the back pain has been so unbearable lately that I am just praying for some relief from it. I don't want the pain to steal an ounce of my joy. 

So, all of that to say, I am asking you to join me in prayer for some relief from the pain - that it will just go away. And if God chooses not to remove the pain, please pray that I can find purpose in it. Please continue to pray for our miracle, that she keeps growing and thriving, especially during these critical last 12 weeks! And pray for us as we prepare for her arrival - mentally, financially, and spiritually. 

"Thank you" just doesn't seem like enough for your prayers, but know that I am indeed incredibly thankful for all of you - you are sharing in our journey! I love and appreciate you all so much. 

A Thorn In My Flesh

At age 16 I was in a one-car car accident. It seemed pretty minor, and no one was visibly injured. The weeks that followed did bring back pain, and the testing and treatments began. Over a course of two years, I was poked, prodded, sent to this doctor and that specialist, had multiple x-rays, MRI's CT scans, given the latest pain medications, steroid injections, had physical therapy, massage therapy, and chiropractor appointments. Nothing helped. Nothing. My doctors got to the point where there was nothing more that they could do. I had micro tears in my lower lumbar muscles and ligaments that refused to heal.

It has now been ten years since the accident that caused my back injury, and I have seen no improvement, no healing. 

I live in daily pain.

Most people would not guess that I live with this. I hide it really well.

Chronic pain is something that I would wish on no one. It limits what I can and cannot do. It makes me exhausted every day. And it even makes me depressed at times. And the majority of people do not really understand how it impacts day to day life, unless they themselves have experienced chronic pain or illness.

I spent two years of my life on heavy duty drugs, including Vioxx, celebrex, skelaxin, hydrocodone, and  muscle relaxers. I got to a point where I was relying on those drugs to make me feel better, and they physically did make me feel better. They gave me some relief. But, I decided that it was not healthy to be on all of these drugs, and they really were just masking the pain. So I slowly weaned myself off of them, and learned to live with the pain. I now occasionally will take tylenol or aleve when it is really bad. 

I still to this day ask God why a healthy 16 year old had to go through this. I ask Him why I still have to go through this. Isn't ten years enough? 

And I don't know the answer. God has not given me an answer. 

I remember talking to my father about that. I was crying "Why me?" and expressing to him that I just didn't understand why I couldn't life a normal, pain-free life. He could not give an explanation to my whys, but he did remind me of Paul.

In 2 Corinthians 12, we are told that Paul was given a thorn in his flesh. We do not exactly know what that thorn was, but most biblical scholars agree that it was some sort of physical ailment. Paul says that three times, he begged the Lord to take it away. But the Lord did not take it away. 

I have begged the Lord, much more than three times, to take away my back pain. I have begged Him to heal it. I have claimed healing over myself, and others have prayed healing over me. But I have not been healed. I have not received any form of an answer or explanation. God has remained silent. 

How I so long for a normal life. Where I could enjoy simple things that most take for granted, like standing for a while; sitting for a while; running; bowling; horseback riding; lifting children; laundry; cleaning; vacuuming; my list could go on and on... 

And now, as my miracle is growing and thriving, the thorn in my flesh is becoming larger and larger. My pain seems to be worsening. It is hard to find relief. That is one of the major fears that I have had since that car accident - how my body would do during a pregnancy. I am praying that my back would grow strong, and that my pain would lessen as my pregnancy progresses. 

My back pain is the thorn in my flesh.

Someday it may be removed.

Or I may have this pain for the rest of my life. 

And there is no fancy, spiritual reason that I can give as to why. I do not believe that means that I have little faith or that I do not believe that God can heal. I know He can heal. I've seen it with my own eyes - all I have to do is look at my growing belly. Our two year storm with infertility was painful. God seemed silent. As we were in the thick of our treatments, diagnosis, I could not see at all how God was working through it. In my mind, in my life, where was God? In my body, where was God? As I reflect back over those years of heartache, I can see how I've grown, what I've learned, how my hubby and I have been drawn closer together, how I've been drawn closer to God. For the most part, He was silent, allowing me to struggle, to grapple, to cry out. It was painful. But all along, I know He never left. He never stopped loving me.  And now as we rejoice for our miracle child, everything that we went through is still so fresh. I still do not fully understand why we had to go through such heartache to finally be able to carry a child, and why God seemed silent. Perhaps it was so I could grow, so I could come to a place with God like never before, so I could be a testimony to others...

As for my back pain, I find myself in a similar place. But I have to trust God and know that ultimately it is His choice and His plan, and that His ways are higher than mine. I have to believe that! He has the final say in whether He is going to deliver me or not. As my dear friend says, "I believe life can be hard; and not every storm brings immediate sunshine." God, You are God and I am not. Even though it seems like You are silent, I will trust. I have to.

A Continual Work

I'm a work in progress. I will always be. Just when I think "Okay, God, I have this figured out and I'm working on it," something else that needs attention becomes extremely evident. And I am okay with that. God continually works in our lives, pruning away the dead branches, growing us into climbing vines. Over the past two years, it feels as if God has been emptying me out, tearing out what I thought I knew about Him, and replacing it with His truth, and what He wants for me. And God is still doing it. I feel as if I am on the threshing floor. As I read back over my blog, I can see how God has been working and teaching, and how I had to come to the end of myself, and truly know what it means to "give it to Him," to pray, read, study. And I am a work in progress. I will never stop learning about surrender, the daily battles that I face will not suddenly come to an end. I still grapple, battle, struggle with my identity, my purpose, His purpose, what this all means. But, through constant study, prayer, and sowing into a true relationship with Him, I am given the ability to make it through, to see God's hand in my life, and to "fight the good fight."

I think some people have the impression that since God gave us our miracle, everything is peachy. That somehow, life is perfect now that God has given us the desires of our heart. I believe that so many times we have misguided thinking that says that if we are given _____, life will be complete and perfect. "If God would only bless us with _____ , then ______ ." Then we would spend our lives chasing after the next thing that we desire, thinking that it will fix everything, fix all of our issues. Only God can fix everything and fill that hole. (I touched on this in a previous post not too long ago.) But I'm here to tell you that God is still doing a major work, which is at times and most days, painful. Don't get me wrong and think that I am not thankful, rejoicing, and in awe of our miracle every day! Every day, throughout the day, my heart is singing His praise. But, no matter what you are given in this life, no matter the blessings that you receive, God will still be working, pruning and trimming. The life of the Christ-follower is filled with mountains and valleys, and just when you've made it to the top of your mountain and can breathe in the fresh air, guess what you see in front of you? Another mountain to climb... But that is where God works. He works in our valleys, He works in our mountains. The blessings that we receive show us God's faithfulness and His glory, and we are to remember those blessings in the good, and especially trying times, so we are a testament to others and to ourselves.

I am still in awe of our miracle. I have not lost that, I never will. I will never forget what we've been through, what we're going through. But I know that God is still working, molding me on the threshing floor. He has brought front and center some incredible insecurities that I have. Satan knows these insecurities, and he has been going on that attack, especially more intensely since God blessed us with our miracle. So I feel like I am dealing with much, sorting through things and seeking Him as things are brought to light. I'm not sure what all this will look like in the end and what changes I will need to make, but I know there will be decisions and changes. He is doing a work, a shifting, a sifting.

I will not run. I will not waiver. I will pray. I will stand firm in Christ - even when these times and seasons and changes are most difficult. 

I will leave you with Philippians 1:6. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." The good work is usually, actually, more like always, paved with heartache and pain, and it is only at the completion will we truly see God's ultimate redemptive plan. Notice that it doesn't say "will carry it on to completion until tomorrow. Or until one year. Or five years. Or until you've given up, or given in, or been through my fair share." It says until the day of Christ Jesus.  The hope lies in "will carry it on to completion," not maybe, perhaps, or probably, but will. Everything will be redeemed. Everything will be restored.