The Hope of a Miracle

Today I am 15 weeks. Baby is 4 inches long and the size of an apple.

I am in awe of the precious life growing inside of me.

This is a miracle. I should not be pregnant. 

I was reminded by my dear friend of the hope that a miracle gives. She's been with me from day one in our journey.

She reminded me of Michael's first test result - that it was poor and not good good news at all. I remember weeping in his arms when we received the news. Later, his second and third tests revealed that things were "normal." He was healed, before our very eyes. 

We tried everything. Timing, charting, several fertility treatments. I couldn't get pregnant naturally - my body did not, would not, could not ovulate. The weeks before we were going to proceed with IUI, I was pregnant. I was healed. The doctors were shocked. I was stunned. But God was not surprised. 

God still heals.

God still performs miracles. 

God can heal you, He can perform a miracle in your life. 

There is hope. 

Discontent

I'm finding myself in a place of discontentment. It has been building strongly over the past year. Most people's knee-jerk reaction to the word discontentment is "Be thankful, be content in all situations." But this is a different discontentment. It is a place where God has been bringing me, where I believe He is working. I think God often brings us to a place where we are no longer content or comfortable, and that is where He moves. Call it sifting, shifting, working, moving, revealing, guiding. You see, I fully believe God has so much more for me, and where I am in life. Disclaimer: Please see my heart in this, and please understand that I am not aiming this at a certain person, peoples, church, or denomination. A lot of it is directed at myself!  Perhaps I can better explain it this way...

I am no longer content with "getting through" the day.

I am no longer content with simply attending church with all of the other attenders, and putting in our weekly dues. 

I am no longer content with playing keys on a Sunday morning because it's what I like to do.

I am no longer content with putting on our happy, smiling faces and running around with the facade that "my life is perfect and you don't need to see my pain." Authenticity, raw and true, is deeply needed. 

I am no longer content with continuing to let the voiceless have no voice.


I am no longer content with how the generation before us "did" Christianity. It's time for revival and relevance. 

I am no longer content with labels and politics. I used to be passionate about politics, but frankly, I don't care if you sit on the left, right, or middle. We still need Jesus - no matter what your political statements are. 

I am no longer content with judging others solely based on appearance, first impressions, and life circumstances.

I am no longer content with people being in pain and us not doing a thing about it. So many are carrying hurt and are in pain.

I am no longer content with hearing "I'm praying for you" and then not following through. Let's stop and pray right now, not caring who is watching or listening, or how uncomfortable it may feel.

I am no longer content with the church being people-pleasers, critics, politicians, and gossipers. Where is the church that HE desires??


I am no longer content with my heart not breaking for what breaks His.


I am no longer content with not allowing my pain to help others, no matter how painful it is for me.


I am no longer content with allowing my joy to be robbed due to my insecurities about relationships, people pleasing, and constantly asking "is everyone okay with me right now? does everyone like me?"


I am no longer content with how society views the modern day church and modern day Christians, and what we've done and how we've failed to cause this. 

I am no longer content with relationships staying surface level. I want to know you, spend time with you, invest in you, grow with you, pray with you.

I am no longer content watching my days fly by without feeling any true purpose or calling.


I am no longer content with not letting the Spirit move past a 4 song set list and some short prayers. My heart desires and longs for deep, Spirit-led corporate worship and prayer, with no limitations.


I am no longer content with not seeing the Word as alive, in my day to day life. 


I am no longer content with the inability to be still before Him.


I am no longer content with being content. 

God is doing a work, a shifting, a changing of the seasons. I don't know what that is going to look like, but I know that things are changing, and I'm not just going to stand by and refuse to follow Him. God is speaking, guiding, directing, and I'm hanging on for dear life as He does - waiting, listening, ready to be moved.

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It seems like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly. 
(Sanctus Real)


Seasons change, God stays the same.
He is making everything I go through into something beautiful.
(summary of Ecclesiastes 3:1-11)

So Long 1st Trimester...You've Been Awesome!

I am officially out of my first trimester. I "turned" 14 weeks yesterday. I can't believe how fast it went, and if it's any indication as to how fast the rest of the pregnancy will go, I say "slow down!" I had an incredible first trimester, with everything being so new and fascinating. Every day brought new learning experiences and I truly enjoyed every minute of it. I know that I will never have this experience again - a first first trimester! So, I am trying every day to soak it all in. I'm a little sad about leaving the first trimester, but I am excited about the new things to come during the second. Let's just hope it doesn't go so fast!!!

I still am incredibly tired, but I can manage that with an afternoon nap and an early bedtime! My nausea seems to have disappeared for the most part, with a few occasional nauseous moments. Our nursery is coming together - all the furniture has been put together and set up as of last night. Now just on to decorating! To me, my belly seems to be getting larger by the day, but to everyone else, they can't believe that I am 14 weeks and "not showing." I've just been noticing all of those small changes! And, I've gained two pounds total, which puts me at 124. This pleases hubby greatly, and I'm sure Dr. Sontag will be pleased as well. We go in and see him on May 26th for our 16 week check up. 

Outside of all of the pregnancy news, our lives have been pretty quiet. I've always been one who loves to be out and about, doing something, but lately, I really have become a homebody. It's not that I don't want to do things, I'm just so exhausted, especially after work, that its hard to actually do the things I want to. I've also been feeling a little lonely - I have to attribute some of this to me being incredibly hormonal. But, our close friends have been very busy with their lives and families, and my parents have been up north for a month, and we don't have any other family down here. We just haven't had a lot of quality time with the ones we love, and I'm finding myself really missing that. I'm missing the deep conversations that we have, the accountability, and the fun. I'm feeling a little insecure about it - hoping it's nothing personal or nothing that I've said or done. I'm trying to not let my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I've always been a "people person," pouring a lot into relationships. I'm praying that this is just a short season. A couple days ago, I was talking to God about this, and being incredibly emotional. I heard His voice clearly say to me that during this season, instead of feeling sorry for myself, invest the extra  time that I have in Him, continually digging deeper and deeper, and let Him fill me up and fill that void that I may feel. Let's just say it is a daily work in progress....Work is going well, and summer is just a short 3 weeks away. I'm hoping to announce soon what my work plans are for the fall - things seem to be falling into place, by the grace of God. 

I have to share a little from Pastor Josh's sermon from this past Sunday. I'm loving the series that we are in, called "The Kingdom: Life Upside Down." If you get a chance, visit http://www.libertychurch.net/north-campus to listen to the first two in the series. This past Sunday, Josh's first point was "having a proper attitude toward circumstances." My blessings are not contingent on life's circumstances or happiness, regardless of my outward conditions. The blessings of God are more than what is temporary! And no matter what, no matter if things are going well or not, my need for God stays the same. This really spoke to me. Over the past year and a half, I have come to a place with God that I have never been before. I discovered my true need for Him. I prayed and prayed, constantly. I found for myself that I cannot do it without Him. And even now, when I am feeling blessed more than ever and my desperate prayers for a child have been answered, my need for Him stays the same, just as it did when I was in that deep pit of depression and longing. My heart still needs to hurt for Him. My mind still needs to cry out to Him. Because my circumstances have changed, my need and dependence on Him will not change. I am just as needy now as I was 6 months, 12 months, and 18 months ago. 

When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land He has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe His commands, His laws and His decrees that I am giving you today. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God. 

Deuteronomy 8:10-14

Love to you all...

13 Weeks...and pictures!!!

I am officially 13 weeks today, which means I am in the last week of my first trimester. I can't believe how fast it is going already. I have really enjoyed the first trimester, with everything and every day being a new and exciting experience. It seems that while we were on spring break, my belly popped out a little bit - not huge, but a little. People still won't be able to tell I'm pregnant just by looking at me, but I can definitely see my little bump and feel it - it feels pretty tight! 

I love reading all of the books and facts about our growing Swifty. At 13 weeks, the baby is about 3 inches long and weighs between 1/2 and 3/4 ounce. One book said it is the size of a peach. Incredible! The baby has doubled in length since week 7, and definitely looks human. 

We've had so much fun announcing to everyone, and it is so incredible to share our infertility story and speak of God's faithfulness. Every day, I feel like yelling it out, like the Jesus Culture song "So I'll shout out Your name, from the rooftops I'll proclaim that I am Yours, God, I am Yours." 

So here are my first official "belly" pictures. I've found that I have a little bump in the morning, but by the afternoon and evening, I look huge because of what I eat, being bloated, retaining water, etc. I read that this is very normal! So, my pictures are taken in the morning, so you can see the "real" bump. 

Enjoy!!!

March 2 - this was after my blood test at NewLIFE. Even though I had a positive blood test hours before, I had to see the two pink lines! I felt woozy with excitement!!! I was still shaking, and crying, and cheering...

March 4 - 4 weeks pregnant, 122lbs

April 1 - 8 weeks pregnant...no big change!

And, ta-da!!! May 4 - 13 weeks pregnant, 122.5lbs

I've popped a little!!!

Another 13 week photo

 March 30 - 8 weeks

I can't wait for our 20 week ultrasound so I can see how baby has changed!!!

And we can peek to see if it's a boy or girl!!

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. 

Love to you all...

Coming Out With Our Story

This is a huge step. I have been blogging privately since August of 2010 with only a few selected readers. I am now making my blog public, for anyone to read.

Over the last several months, my blog has chronicled my story. My story has been full of pain, anguish, joy, excitement, the good and the bad that life has had for us. My blog has also included inspiration from Scripture, songs, and other adventures that hubby and I have been on. 

You see, my husband and I had been battling an infertility diagnosis for a year and a half. Our "trying to conceive" story started in the fall of 2009, and led to many tests revealing great pain. I was diagnosed with anovulatory infertility, which means my body does not ovulate. My husband also had some slight abnormalities that were revealed in his testing. I was torn and crushed, and I felt as if my body was completely broken. I questioned God about everything - my life, my purpose, His existence and plan, and if He really was a loving God. I battled feelings of anxiety and depression. Everyday, the ache in my heart for a child grew and grew, and I continued to spiral downward. I got to the point of making a choice - walking away from God, or force myself to believe in Him and His plan. And I knew what my only choice was - give it to Him, and wait on our miraculous Healer. I forced myself every day to speak God's promises over me. I forced myself to dig into Scripture. I prayed and prayed like never before. A lot of times, my heart was not "in it," but I knew that if my mind would dwell on Him and Him alone, that my heart would have to soon follow. 

I was always the girl that everyone expected to be "fertile Myrtle." We were ready to have a baby and I expected it to happen in 2-3 months. But my world came crashing down, as if a wrecking ball came in and destroyed everything I thought I knew about life. A referral to a fertility specialist and several tests and procedures revealed our infertility problem. Our specialist promised treatments and put us on a treatment plan, which included a lot of hormone therapies and medication. These treatments turned me into a hormonal wreck! After five failed clomid treatments, various procedures and testings, and thousands of dollars later, our specialist recommended that we pursue IUI. I was excited, because IUI is a very effective therapy for couples like us. 

Our plan was to do a new treatment including the fertility drug femara and injections for one month, in preparation for IUI. After the new treatment cycle was complete (I felt like I lived at the clinic I was there so much), I went in to the clinic for a pregnancy blood test. It revealed that I was actually pregnant! I was shocked and not expecting a positive, and the doctors and nurses were equally shocked. Incredible!!! Due to the fertility treatments, our chance for multiples was extremely high, but we discovered that I am carrying one! And let me tell you, the shock is actually still there. I am almost out of my first trimester, and hubby and I are still asking "is this really happening?" We've waited so long, been through so much, prayed, begged, and pleaded with God, and now it is actually happening. Even as I type this, I still think "Wow! Incredible!" We are rejoicing. Praise God!!!

Many may ask, "Why did you wait this long to share your story? Why not let everyone know that you were battling infertility?" This was a decision that was made clear to us from the beginning. We were only going to share with our closest friends, knowing that they would support and pray for us. There were many reasons for us being "in the closet infertiles," and I will share a few. First of all, I did not want to constantly hear people's "advice" and have to answer those terrible questions like "How is it going?"  "Are you still trying?" I just did not want to deal with people who had no clue what we were going through. People can say such hurtful things when they cannot understand or relate to someone's situation. Secondly, infertility can feel like such a private, unspoken issue. It makes you feel like less of a person, like I've failed somehow and cannot live up to society's expectations of "family." I've said many times before, people have no clue what it is like to walk in the shoes of someone dealing with infertility. And to the general public who thinks it is okay to constantly ask couples "when are you going to have kids?", please please please understand that that is one of the most damaging things to ask someone who is trying. Every time someone asked that, it felt like a knife going through my heart. I know these people didn't mean any harm, but if they only knew at the time what we were going through...

So now we are sharing our story! My hope is to educate and inform people, and I would love to be able to reach and minister to others going through similar situations. I know how you feel, I've been there, and it will forever be fresh in my mind and spirit. I will never forget. I pray that God uses our story for great purpose, and it is my ultimate goal to convey the truth that God and God alone is the Healer. It is only because of Him that I am pregnant. Yes, treatments and doctors were "successful," but it is only by the grace of God and His healing will that we are able to celebrate new life. I want to give people hope. Medically speaking, without assistance, my body is unable to produce children. But, through incredible doctors, procedures, and treatments, and by knowing that with God all things are possible and He still works miracles, I am living proof that it can and does happen!!! Amen and amen!!!

I encourage you to go back and read our story from the beginning. You can read the details about our journey as they were happening. Just click on the blog archives to the right to read the posts from the beginning. I have poured my heart over this blog. You can see the pain, the sorrow and the anguish in each one, but you can also see hope and expectation of God to move like never before. 

This is our story, our song. 

12 Weeks

This morning I had my 12 week check up with Dr. Sontag. Hubby came with again, much to my delight, and will be joining me at all of my prenatal appointments. He was just as excited as I was this morning to go! Doc said everything looks perfect - all of my bloodwork, urine samples, blood pressure, and we heard the beautiful heart beating today at 160 bpm. Michael has been so concerned about me not gaining any weight yet, so he made sure to bring it up. It is so sweet to have such a concerned and involved hubby! Michael is a blessing! Anyway, Dr. Sontag said I'm just fine as far as weight goes, but now I should start putting on about a half a pound per week. I think that's doable, especially since I've only been nauseated at night now, and I actually do want to eat! So, after my appointment, I took advantage of being on spring break and had chick fil a breakfast and got a pedi....a perfect thing to do with my morning!

Love to you all! 

Spring Break is FINALLY Here!!!!

It's here! I've been waiting so long! Since January, actually. For some crazy reason, the Escambia County School district thought it would be a great idea to go from January 4th to April 22 with NO break, NO days off. Obviously, the people making this decision have never step foot into a classroom and do not understand what it is like to teach students for 16 weeks straight. Most teachers, myself included, have been going out of our minds anticipating spring break. Even the students were getting antsy and sick of their teachers and of each other. But, our week long break has finally arrived!!!

I have a few goals for spring break 2011:

• take baths
• give my immune system a break from all of the germs I come in contact with - hopefully my body can make a full recovery and I will be so healthy to finish out the year!
• get a pedicure
• sleep in as much as I can
• go on a mini vacation with hubby - Jacksonville, St. Augustine, Orlando all in 5 days!

Monday and Tuesday I have completely free - so the sleeping in and baths will surely occur. Wednesday I have my 12 week OB appointment - hooray!!! I think I am having the doppler done at this appointment, so I am thrilled to be able to hear the most beautiful sound in the world again! After my appointment on Wednesday, we head out on our mini vacation! We do have some plans in place - we will stay with Michael's sister in Jacksonville. On Thursday, Michael and I will head down to Sea World! We went there on our honeymoon, so it is going to be so much fun going back. I love that place! On Friday, we are going to spend the day in St. Augustine. It is such a beautiful and historic city, and I am so thrilled that we are finally going to take a horse drawn carriage ride through the city. I have always wanted to do that - we've been there over 10 times and have never done it. Saturday and Sunday we are going to chill with the family in Jacksonville. I hope to do a little shopping and hit up some maternity stores - Jacksonville has some great shopping! My jeans are getting tight, to the point where I unbutton them by around 2pm every afternoon. I'm fine in the morning, it's just that by the afternoon, I'm so bloated that my pants dig into my belly. So, I'm thinking I'll need to invest in some belly bands. Yay! I've been waiting so long to be able to shop for maternity clothes!  

I will do a post when we get back all about our adventures and with photos. I hope that you are able to find some time to rest over the next week, and enjoy time with family as we reflect on what Christ did for us that day on the cross! He is Risen! He is risen indeed!

I'm officially on break! Can you tell I'm excited???

MAF Cereal

Not too long ago, I made my first batch of home-made cereal. We've had this cereal before, at a youth camp that Michael and I played music at once a year early on in our marriage. We both LOVE the cereal, and my first batch was eaten in about one week. The recipe is extremely easy, with only a few ingredients. The hardest part of the recipe is that it has a long bake time, but you can get it done in just a couple of hours. The cereal is actually a missionary's recipe, from Mission Aviation Fellowship. Enjoy!!!

Ingredients:

6 cups dry quick oats

1 cup white sugar

1 cup margarine, melted

1 teaspoon cinnamon (I prefer a stronger cinnamon flavor, so I double that)

Mix above ingredients by spoon. 

(I actually used my hands when I added the melted margarine to knead it in)

Spread mixture on a cookie sheet/jelly roll pan. Bake at 200-250 degrees for 2 hours, stirring every 15 minutes (I set the timer every 15 min). Mixture should be golden brown and dry. 

You can add dried fruit AFTER baking. If you want nuts or coconut, add BEFORE baking. I doubled the recipe and this is how much it made.

It is delicious and high in protein and fiber - a great cereal! And, you can add whatever you want to it. It also is a great snack to have a handful of on the go. 

10 Weeks and 5 Days

First of all, I am so sorry that I have not blogged in a while! I have so many ideas for posts floating around in my head, but I am either too tired or too busy to sit down and type them out.

You guessed it! From the title, I am 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I am feeling very good. The nausea seems to have let up a bit, but there are still times where I am just not feeling well. I have thrown up 3 times - not that bad! I would give you my weight updates, but there is nothing to update - I haven't gained a pound. And yes, I do have the teeniest, tiniest little bump starting to show. It actually looks huge at night time, I am assuming because of bloating and eating. 

My boobs are starting to bust out of my largest bras, so it looks like I may have to hit up some clearance sections or Ross to find something that works for now. And they are definitely still sore. I had a student (remember they either have a behavioral disorder or are autistic, this one had a BD) that for some reason, decided to run at me full force and punch both of my boobs. I definitely was not expecting it and didn't have time to protect myself, and it hurt so bad. It took everything within me to not spank this child. But believe me, I verbally went off on him and he went to "time out" for the remainder of music- I was pretty crabby that day, too. Oh dear, the hazards of teaching pre-k. As long as they don't touch my belly, I am fine! And I keep telling myself "only 5 more weeks and then summer!!!"

We ordered a crib from Storkland expecting it to take a long time to come in. But, it came in on Friday, so Michael and I set it up on Saturday! Well actually, hubby set it up and I watched. It is gorgeous. I am thrilled! And, we already got our sweet Chicco travel system. My parents gifted it to us, and we are so grateful! It is so cute! I will post pictures of all of our new baby things soon. And maybe I will even post some "growing" belly photos, too! :)

We told my parents the day after my 8 week ultrasound. I wanted to be able to show them the photo of their growing grandchild. The moment that we shared was so sweet - we wept together, rejoiced together, and thanked God together. It was a moment I will never forget. Next up, tell my brothers, extended family and friends, and then it will be public! 

I have my 12 weeks appointment a week from Wednesday, and it cannot come soon enough! I just want to hear the heartbeat again. There are some days where fear just consumes me, and all I want to do is bust into the doctor's office and demand an ultrasound so I can see the baby, healthy and growing. And some days, I am confident that everything is fine! It is such a roller-coaster. The past few weeks have been especially hard, because I have received devastating news about my dear friend and other friends and acquaintances. First and foremost, my heart is breaking for my dear friend. I feel helpless. I just love her so much and don't want to see her hurting. Everything within me wishes I could just take it away... And secondly, I become so incredibly fearful when I receive news of that nature. I have to trust that God has a plan. I have to say that "no matter what" it is in Your hands, Lord. It is definitely a challenge to my faith. Upon learning that I was pregnant, my dear friend shared with me prayers and promises to speak over me and baby. I cling to those every day, and she may never know the impact of sharing those with me. They are precious.

As I said before, I have several blog ideas that I would like to write about. I hope that if I tell you what they are, I will hold myself accountable to do them. Here they are...

• Authenticity as a Christ-follower - from church to our personal lives, authenticity seems to be lacking in the modern church and believers.
• I made AMAZING homemade cereal - I'll give you the recipe and photos to help you make it!
• Our dear friends are in an incredible adoption journey. Learn how you can help!
• My blog is going to go public soon - reasons why and reasons why we waited this long, and why we were "in the closet" about our infertility journey.

I covet all of your prayers for me, baby, and hubby. Love to you all...

Romans 8:28

And we know (we know it even if we don't feel it)

that in all things (even the ones we can't even fathom being used for good)

God works for the good (He works for the good. Our job is to walk with Him day by day. His job is to work the good.)