Happy Six Months!

My dear Evelyn is six months old. 

I know it is SO cliche, but...

Where did the time go?

How did we go from this...

to this???

Evelyn has been doing very well! She went in for her six month check up, and now is 27 inches long and weighs 15 pounds - she finally doubled her birth weight.

She's been drooling like crazy, and has all the signs of teething. No teeth yet, but they are slowly coming. Getting teeth is such a huge milestone. I should be excited, but it seems bittersweet. I am going to miss those gummy smiles. 

After those several weeks of short, infrequent naps, we've finally seen improvement. She naps after her morning and afternoon feedings, for about an hour at a time - HUGE improvement!!! As soon as she's asleep, I scramble to get as much done around the house as I can in an hour, because I know that is all I will get! 

She's got lots of new tricks. She loves grabbing her feet, and even chews on her toes. She even tries to sit up by clenching those stomach muscles and lifting her head and feet off the floor - she's such a strong child. While she's nursing, she does this thing with her hand where she anchors her thumb on my chest and then sways her hand back and forth. I'm not sure why she does it, but it's one of those cute little things! 

She's been developing that beautiful voice of hers with lots of new sounds, and she's discovered that she can make sound while gasping air in and breathing out. It scared me the first time she did it! She's quite the chatterbox, and loves to "talk" when she wakes up in her crib. 

She's so strong. Her doctor even said so, and thought that she will be an early crawler and walker. 

Uh oh. 

It's been so fun to see her little personality come out, too! She's definitely got a lot of sass and spunk, and still doesn't want to miss anything, just like her daddy. She wants to be on the go all the time. I think she has a great balance of sassiness and sweetness. 

One of my favorite times of the day is when we snuggle. Michael has never been a snuggler, and I definitely am, so I wanted to make sure that Evelyn is a snuggler. I soak up the quiet moments together where we just sit...

We brought her to the zoo for the first time, and she actually seemed to enjoy it. It was interesting to see how animals are more curious about babies than they are adults. All of the petting zoo animals just wanted to sniff her and be by her. We had a lot of fun there!

We went to build-a-bear to make her first bear! She "picked" out this one, which we've affectionately named "Pink Bear"

And here's big news...she is now eating rice cereal once a day! Today was the third day doing it, and I'm not really sure how she feels about it....

Happy Weekend, everyone!!!

Be blessed.

I Did It

I did it.

I submitted my resignation letter.

As of June 5 2012, I will be a full time stay at home mommy.

It is a relief, feels like I can breathe, like a weight is lifted.

My husband and I have spent much time weighing both sides, and really seeing what is best for us. And the reasons to stay home outweighed to reasons to keep working for the school district.

Little reasons, like...

           It's a 45 minute drive to work.

           I don't feel safe in the community where work is.

           What about childcare? I have a great friend who does it now, but that's not long term.

            Daycare is expensive.

           I feel more like I'm babysitting that teaching.

           Music in the public schools is slowly dying, on it's way out...

And then the biggest reason of all...

          I want to have no regrets. 

          I need to be home with her.

          She is worth it.

It will be a financial adjustment, but we can do it. I am committed to stop my ridiculous spending habits, (more on that to come later...) because she is worth it.

In these early years, early months, I don't want to be away from her. I feel like I'm missing too much. 

As she grows and becomes of school age, I would love to go back to teaching! 

This decision is for me, and for me alone. God has led me in this decision. I am not going to sit here and preach that every mommy needs to stay home with their children - because that is a lie. God leads each and every one of us differently, and He leads us in different decisions and different lifestyles. And He has His divine reasons for it. So staying home with Evelyn is best for me and is where God is leading, but it may not be best for you and it may not be where God wants you to be.

And those of you who do work outside of the home, I am proud of you. I applaud you. It is a task that is certainly not easy or for the faint of heart. Not everyone can do it or is meant to do it.

So here's to a new adventure! Six weeks left of the school year!!!

I Would Rather Be...

I so needed to hear this...

"I would rather be what God chose to make me

than the most glorious creature that I could think of;

for to have been thought about, born in God's thought,

and then made by God,

is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking."

-George MacDonald

Blessings!

So Many Firsts...

(So, I had this all typed up, with all of the pictures. I posted it, and then I accidentally deleted it. Grr....So I will do my best to remember what I wrote about.)

Evelyn has been growing so much lately.  I't's amazing watching her grow, change, and develop.

She is now 5 months old, and the other day, she rolled from her back to her belly! It is quite the feat for a baby - it's hard work rolling that little body over! So now she is rolling and rolling like crazy. She is definitely more mobile! She still hasn't been able to sit up on her own. Every time I try to get her to practice it, she pushes up on her legs and only wants to stand!

Evelyn is grabbing at everything! My hair, Daddy's beard, Ginger's ears. She loves grabbing her little giraffe and her paci. She picks up her paci, puts it in her mouth, and chews on it!

The other day, I noticed that her poor little ankles were all scratched up. I couldn't figured out why until I watched her grab her ankles and feet when she is laying on the floor. She loves playing with and holding her feet, so she scratches them accidentally. I guess if it hurt she would stop. 

She is still sleeping through the night, which is absolutely wonderful. We had to stop swaddling her because she would roll over onto her tummy and then not be able to roll back over because her arms were swaddled in. It was a bit scary to wake up to her screaming face down, so we decided to try and stop swaddling, and she did great! 

Michael and I decided that we wanted to instill in her at an early age that dinner time is family time, and that we all sit together. So, we've been putting her in her high chair at the table with us with some toys to play with as we eat. I think she's got it figured out - she watches us eat and opens her mouth and "begs." I think she is definitely ready to start eating food. We are going to wait until her 6 month check up, so her doctor can instruct us in what to do. I don't want to give up breastfeeding yet, I love it. 

Evelyn sure is talking a lot more, too! She loves looking at pictures, and she even talks to Ellen on TV. It's pretty darn cute. And, she is finally taking longer and more consistent naps throughout the day.

As for me, I can honestly say that I am feeling physically better. I never realized that it could take 6 months post-partum for me to start feeling better. I know my hormones have been crazy because of being pregnant and giving birth, but I was getting tired of feeling exhausted and dizzy all of the time. I was even feeling anxious and overwhelmed at times, but that has lessened, thank God. And here is something HUGE HUGE HUGE - I got my period, naturally. For those of you who have been following our story from the beginning, you know how amazingly huge this is. I have not had a natural period, one on my own, for 11 years. It was a major cause of my infertility. So perhaps this period means that my body may get a cycle! 

It is a little glimmer of hope...

We've been enjoying so many firsts together! Enjoy the pictures, get ready for mega adorable-ness and cuteness!!!

We love going for family walks, and now Evelyn goes big-girl style! She loves being able to see everything....and sometimes fall asleep.

 We took Evelyn to the beach for the first time!! She loved the feel of the sand, but thought it was for eating!

The water was a little chilly, and she didn't appreciate a big wave splashing up on her.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

There is a beautiful park near our house, so we took her to see if she would like it. She loved it!

Stylin' in our shades

Ready to go down the slide!

Lovin' the swings

Swinging with Daddy

Happy Easter!

My loves...

Our first Easter as a family of three...

A Season of Rest

Rest.

Stillness.

Quiet.

Words that God has been speaking to me. I wrote previously about my land inbetween, and this is definitely a major part of it. I am in this new season, one that I've never experienced before.  And I am having a difficult time understanding and knowing what rest really means. I definitely understand physical rest, and I do that well. I can easily sit and watch my favorite show on Netflix, take a nap, read a book, spend time on my iPad. But God is leading me to rest - spiritually, mentally. To breathe in, breathe out, and rest in Him. But because I've been so busy doing this and that for so long, I really don't know what rest really is, what it should look like, and what it should be. I just know that He is teaching, He is leading in at all.

God led me to step down from leading worship and being involved and serving, and now I am standing here asking "now what?" And His answer is "Rest. Be still. Be quiet."

I'm having a really hard time with feeling insignificant. I day in and day out take care of a most precious gift, but I feel as if at some point, I've lost my dream. I couldn't even tell you a dream that I have or a calling that I feel has been placed over my life. I ask "What is my purpose?" and again I hear "Rest. Be still. Be quiet."

After a conversation with my dear friend and a conversation with my hubby, God has shown me that I cannot not rely on any one person, one church, one friend, one worship leader, to be my connection to Christ. No matter how great the pastor, how intimate the worship, how excellent the service, how beautiful the conversation - I have access to a direct relationship with Him. And I need to work on that. I can have those intense worship moments in my car, in my living room, just me and Him. I cannot rely on anyone else to do it for me.

As I grapple and struggle with all of these things, I receive confirmation after confirmation, and I hear God telling me to rest in Him. And He speaks rest through other daily things - a text with a verse from a friend, a blog post, a Jesus Calling devotion, a conversation with a worship leader.

And I know that as He teaches me how to rest, He will give me renewed dreams and callings. He will give me significance. He will fill me up. I will have direct relationship with Him. He will...

I do not know how long this time of rest will last, but I do know that it is going to be huge thing for me, and I am claiming that it is life-changing.

So it's time to dig deep in this season of rest, to pray that it is fruitful, to seek Him directly, to let Him work...

"...In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." Isaiah 30:15

Sacrificial Giving

You know those people in your life that happily give? They love to wrap up presents, give gifts when it's not even a special occasion. They love to pay for lunch, give a few dollars to the bum on the side of the road. They give without strings attached. They give to the church with a smile on their face. It is one of their spiritual gifts, love languages, to be a giver.

I'm not a giver in that sense. I will cheerfully give my time, but I have a hard time giving material things or money.

I'm trying to develop that form of giving in my life.

Tithing has always been a challenge for me. I will faithfully give that ten percent, but most times, I do not give cheerfully. I pray that God uses the money in a great way, and I know He does. It's just really hard at times to drop that money in the bucket with a smile on my face. I'm working on it...

I'm trying to be an "intentional giver," picking up the lunch bill, giving gifts, etc.

Recently I heard God's voice very clearly about giving away an item to an incredible ministry that I have recently been blessed by. God spoke it to me, and I said "oh, I'll pray about it to make sure He really wants me to give that away." So I waited a week. I honestly did not pray about it at all. I just wanted to "wait a week" to hopefully forget about it, and hope that God would, too. Then again, on a Sunday night, God told me that I needed to give it away. So I approached the person and offered it to him, and discovered that they really need this item.

What is it?

My precious keyboard.

For those of you who know me, you know what I am talking about. It is my Roland RD-700 stage grand keyboard, with all of the bells and whistles (it's the one Michael W. Smith plays at his concerts.) I purchased it (well, financed it) years ago. I faithfully made the payments and paid it off. I used that keyboard to lead worship in Wisconsin and Florida, week in and week out. It was my baby, my musical workhorse. For those of you with nice music equipment, you understand. I had become so attached to it, it has such sentimental value! It has been my faithful music companion.

After I had committed to giving it to this ministry, I have struggled with wanting to "keep" it, wanting to go back on my word, tell them, "oops, I didn't mean to give that away!" I've even thought about just selling it to make some quick cash.

But I know that I am meant to give the keyboard. God has called me to do it. And I am committed to giving it.

I think I understand the meaning of sacrificial giving now. To me, it feels like I am really sacrificing to part with this beautiful instrument. But I am listening to God. He knows what He is doing. I trust that this is just another way that He is continually working in my life, to mold me, shape me, into what He wants me to be. He fills me up, so He can pour me out.

Please hear me out and understand that I am not blogging about this to pat myself on the back. I just want to share how God is moving in my life, and perhaps encourage you in your walk. I think we all can learn to become better at giving - sacrificially, intentionally, and cheerfully.

I said goodbye to my keyboard on Sunday. I wanted to show the new owners how it all worked and tell them all about it, but I just let it go. And I can honestly say that it was difficult, but when I heard it being played, I smiled. It can now be played by people who have wanted to lead worship but did not have an instrument. It can now be used to lead people into worship, to change lives! It is going to a ministry that has been HUGE, a blessing, incredible, instrumental in my life. If it can be used to be huge in someone else's life, then it is worth it.

10 Things

1. Evelyn is now five months old. And is full of smiles and giggles. She is a happy baby, when she's not tired or hungry.

2. Nine weeks left in the public school year, which means 18 working days, which means only 108 pre-k music classes to teach!!!! The end is in sight!!!!!!!!

3. Evelyn hasn't quite gotten the roll from your back to your belly down yet. She gets her legs over and can lay on her side, but she hasn't flipped all the way over. But I do know that she moves a lot during the night. When she wakes up and I go in to get her, she usually is laying the opposite way than where she started. She scoots herself down to one side, too. And I've found that she is a side sleeper, when she's in her crib. She has recently discovered that she can put her legs in the air and grab her feet with her hands. It's so cute. And she is still in love with her paci, and can even pick it up and put it in her mouth herself (usually upsidedown). 

4. I read this in Jesus Calling this morning - "Nothing is as important as spending time with Me...if you skimp on this time with Me, you may plunge headlong into the wrong activities, missing the richness of what I have planned for you." Harsh reality - I think I've missed out big time on the richness that He has planned due to this. It's so hard - why do I not do the things that I know I should? Why do I find myself not even wanting to spend time with Him??? It's such a fleshly battle. I often look with disdain at those people who cheerily go on and on about how their amazing early morning time with God is just perfect. And then I heard a pastor, yes, a pastor, say that he even struggles with not wanting to spend time with Him. That for every single person, because of humanity, it is a struggle of the flesh. I love this blog post about it - true. authentic. real. Intentional time with God - It is not easy, but it is worth it!

5. As I stated before, Evelyn is now 5 months old, and I thought this morning "That means that Michael and I have not been on a date alone in five months." This will need to change, for the sake of our relationship. It's hard, sometimes, as new parents, to adjust to balancing time with Evelyn and time for our marriage. Most everything, our conversations, our actions, our decisions, revolve around her. I firmly believe marriage first, children second. We have received a few babysitting offers, so we will definitely have to take people up on that! 

6. I realize the frozen-yogurt-shop-with-a-billion-flavors-and-toppings is most likely a fad, but it is a fad that I LOVE!

7. I don't know if I've been healed of infertility. Yes, we have a miracle baby. But my mind has started to wander down the ugly path of worrying about the future...what if? What if I don't get a cycle? No sign of it yet...What if we can't conceive on our own again? What if... I am still infertile? I cringe and have tears at the thought. I was talking to my dear friend about this the other day, and she warned me against that thinking, telling me that I cannot go down that path of thinking and I cannot do that to myself. And I agree. I cannot rob the joy and thankfulness that I feel from my Evelyn. I need to enjoy every single moment with her, and not worry about the future. That negative and worry thinking is only the enemy sneaking in and attacking me where he knows it hurts.

8. My parents are moving away, back north. I know God is leading them, and I fully and lovingly support them in wherever God leads. But it is going to be a hard adjustment for me. Honestly, I am doing my best to not even think about it. I just want to enjoy these last couple of weeks of having them live just down the road. 

9. Evelyn had her very first beach visit a couple of weeks ago. She did so well! We bought one of those pop-up canopies to keep us all out of the sun. She loved the feel of the sand, and I did dip her toes in the water. She seemed to like it until a large wave washed up and soaked her up to her little booty. That she did not appreciate! So, I'm sure that will be the first of many beach trips with her this summer. She is going to be my little beach bum! We took a lot of cute pictures, I will post them soon! Speaking of the beach - I need a new suit. Something young and hip but something that covers everything (ahem, the tummy and larger booty) that needs to be covered. I dread that day when I have to go suit shopping. This post baby body aint ever going to be what it used to! But, I am okay with that! To me, a mommy's body is much more beautiful than those stick-thin models on the runway. I just need to find the right-fitting swimsuit to flatter this mommy's body. 

10. A beautiful quote - "The sun climbs the horizon. I throw back the covers, take another breath, and begin. I GET to. I GET to live..." -Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts. (incredible book I am currently reading.)

I'm Working On It...

Psalm 131 (MSG)

God, I'm not trying to rule the roost,

I don't want to be king of the mountain.

I haven't meddled where I have no business

or fantasized grandiose plans.

I've kept my feet on the ground,

I've cultivated a quiet heart.

Like a baby content in its mother's arms,

my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.

Hope now; hope always!

Oh, how I want this to be true of my heart, to fully release the control that I feel like I have to have over my life! To not want to be king of my life! To relinquish all control to Him who is able, to Him who truly is in control of it all! To cultivate a quiet heart, for my soul to be content! 

Can you relate?

Healing

Finding out "why?" doesn't guarantee healing. Pursue the Healer, and let Him handle the "why?"

My dear, wise friend said this the other day. 

Wow. 

If anything, that was for me, to pierce my heart.

Struggling with chronic physical pain is awful, especially when it's a back injury that won't heal - the doctor's tried everything and wrote me off as "permanent injury that may or may not heal."  The pain forces its ugly self into every part of life - physical, mental, spiritual...EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It makes me exhausted. It makes me depressed.

I'm tired of it all, fed up.

How can I fully and presently be the wife, mother, friend that I truly want to be when this pain gets in the way?

Everyday for the past eleven years, my focus (when it comes to my injury) is:

Lord, heal my back.

Lord, heal my back.

Lord, heal my back.

I ask God to heal me daily, but it hasn't happened. I certainly want it. I know He can do it. - We have a miracle baby to prove that nothing is impossible!

It has been a long haul.

So then my focus shifts to
Lord, if I can just understand why, then I will be okay. All of the pain, exhaustion, depression will be worth it if I can just understand why! Just show me it's purpose, then I can move on with my life, and perhaps healing in its own way will come! 

And then I read her quote:

Finding out "why?" doesn't guarantee healing. Pursue the Healer, and let Him handle the "why?"

I am not guaranteed healing. I am most likely not going to understand the purpose of it all. All I need to do is pursue Him. It is so hard for me, I grasp control - tightly, with both hands.

Thank you Lord, for Your grace that I so desperately need.

Thank you that with each new day comes new mercy. 

Check Up

Earlier this week, my sweet baby girl had her four month pediatrician visit. We were told that she is perfect and healthy. So, we must be doing something right! 

She had another round of shots, one in each leg. It was hard for me, again, to see her in pain and crying, but daddy was there and calmed her down in under a minute! 

She now weighs 13 pounds, 6 ounces, and is 25 inches long. My tall, thin girl!

She is grabbing and grasping more and more at things, and loves snuggling with silky edges on blankets. She wants EVERYTHING in her mouth, and if it's not a toy or her paci, its her hands. It's pretty funny when she tries to shove her entire hand or fist into her mouth...
She loves looking at pictures of Michael and I. It's so sweet - she just stares at them and smiles. So I made a little photo book for her! And, I discovered that Evelyn is very ticklish and loves to giggle! The other day, she laughed the longest laughs that I have ever heard come from her! She LOVES buzzing her lips/blowing air through her lips. She does it on the changing table, when she wakes up, through her paci, and when she's falling asleep. She is always full of smiles, all day long! And she doesn't want to miss a beat - lately, when we eat out, she is not content being in her car seat. So she usually ends up sitting in my lap as I eat. Soon, when she's able to sit up, she'll be able to join us at the table in a highchair, and I think she will be so happy about that! In my last update, I said that she hadn't been napping at all. Well, that has changed! She takes a couple hour long naps now, which is a huge improvement. But she still won't nap in the crib - she prefers her swing or my arms.
Evelyn is such a happy baby ( when she's not hungry or tired!)

And she is now cuter than ever. See for yourself...

All dressed up

Yesterday, we went on her first "big girl" walk, front-facing, not in the car seat! 

She loved it. 

Sweet Smiles

Isn't she amazingly beautiful???