I Can Do This!

You've probably noticed my new button to the side, the "I can do this" one. I got it from my dear friend's blog. She had the fabulous idea to have her hubby design a button to remind her of her 2011 goals. I love it, so, I'm using it too! My "I can do this" is...

• read through the Bible in one year
• be consistent in my daily time with God - reading and prayer
• get healthy! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
• win in my battle of my mind - no more negative thoughts
• love my husband. Of course, I love my husband and I'm madly in love with him and my love grows for him every day, but I'm talking about sacrificial love and loving him like Christ loves us. Some days I'm just plain selfish...
• know my identity in Christ, and who that makes me.
• the infamous 5K! Yes, I registered for the 5K in February. I probably will power walk most of it, since training for the run would require actual running, which would cause me to lose weight. And weight loss is not my goal. But, I am excited to do it, especially with a couple of dear friends. We are all walking/running for various reasons, and it will be exciting to do it together. 

So there you have it. I CAN DO THIS!!!

Identity?

Lately, my mind has been battling with questioning who I am, why I am here, and who God really is. I found myself thinking, "If all we do is live and die, what is the point? Why not just be in Heaven with God now?" What does God have for me? What does it mean for my identity to be in Christ? Honestly, some of these thoughts and questions have scared me. For years, I have acted like I know the answers to all of these questions, at least I know the "right" and "taught" answers. But have I found the answers for myself? Have I allowed God to reveal to me my purpose and identity in Him? I don't think so. For so long, I have been acting like I have it all together, but a major trial has come, revealing my true self. And I don't like what I see. It's scary. Through all of this, I have discovered, for myself and without someone telling or teaching me, that I need God. I really need God. I can't do it without Him.

I know I am a child of God, but I am discovering what that actually means. I am learning about my inheritance in Christ, about what I have already been given. And I am trying to look at the Bible in a new and fresh way. I have been raised memorizing Scripture, knowing the stories, and I am afraid that that is what they have become - stories. The Bible is real, living, and truth. The Bible doesn't tell just mere stories about abnormal people, these are accounts of what happened to normal, simple people, just like me. I am asking God to reveal these stories to me in a new and fresh way, with a perspective that doesn't say "Oh, I've heard this story before. I know what happens." That is complacency, and I have been guilty of it for too long.

I recently read a teaching out of my new devotional "Longing for a Child" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I would highly recommend it to anyone dealing with infertility. This teaching was called "Stolen Identity." Here's an excerpt of what she said,

"As a victim of life's circumstances, you may feel as if a part of who you hoped to become - in a sense, your identity, has been taken. Even though you may cry out, seek help, and try to make the most of your life, at times you may feel incomplete, as if the thief has ransacked your life."

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I had woven that into my identity of who I was going to be. So yes, I do feel like a major part of my identity has been stolen. I was to be daughter (which I am), wife (which I also am) and mother. I feel like my anticipated role as a parent has been snatched out from under me. I wonder if I have become so obsessed with becoming a mother that I have lost track of my identity. I was reminded by my devotional that I am - 

1. A child of God...1 John 3:1
2. A member of the body of Christ...1 Cor. 12:27
3. A carefully crafted creation of God in Christ...Eph. 2:10
4. The bride of Christ...Rev. 19:7
5. A letter from Christ...2 Cor. 3:3

Now I am just scratching the surface as to what all of that really means for me, and what it means for my identity to be in Christ. I am asking God to reveal to me what my identity is and means, and what my purpose is. I know this won't happen overnight, but I am expecting God to reveal these things. I know He desires only good for me. And I know that He loves me. 

Happy Christmas...

Christmas, SDFA, Ensure, and expectation...

Well, hello blog. I haven't written in two weeks. I had a goal that I would blog at least once a week, but December has taken its toll. Things have been going non-stop, with teaching, meetings at church, leading worship, and making time for family and friends. I am looking forward to Christmas break - I get two whole weeks off! We will be up north in WI/IA for most of those two weeks, so I'm not really considering it a "break." But, I am making sure that we come home before my break is completely up so we can have some relaxing days at home before back to work.

Like I said, there have been so many things going on. Here is just a glimpse...

• Work has been crazy! The kids get all geared up for Christmas, and I suppose I encourage it with my entire lesson plans being centered around Christmas music. They love it, but I need a break.
• I came down with a cold over the weekend that has now manifested itself into a full-blown cold, so that is making me tired. I am claiming healing!
• I finished all of my fertility testing with my RE at NewLIFE. It is a relief. I felt like I just should've camped out there...I had four ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and the HSG procedure. We did Michael's SDFA test, which stands for Sperm DNA Fragmentation Assay. Basically, it looks at the DNA of the sperm, to make sure everything is genetically ok. And it also tells you if you are a candidate for the various forms of ART (assisted reproductive technology, for example, IVF or IUI). We got the results today, and everything came back normal! Which is great news for us. We now know that the sperm's DNA is fine and that if needed, we can proceed with ART. The motility is still considered low or abnormal, but at least we know that genetically, everything is okay. Now we just wait for early January to come so we can sit down with the RE to discuss our treatment plan and options.
• I am loving Joyce Meyer's teachings! I listen to her podcast every day, and I have been getting so much out of it. I feel like she is speaking right to me, especially since her topics have included "God our Peace, God our Healer, What do You Want Out Of Life?, This is Just a Test." I highly recommend that you look her up.
• I have been at a spiritual crossroads. I got to a point where I felt that I had to either dive in and choose God, or walk away completely. Let me tell you, I have been in a battle between my flesh and my spirit. My flesh has told me to walk away, and has left me questioning life and purpose. But I know that that is not what I must do. I must choose God. So I am making a daily choice for God. I am digging into the Bible, I am praying, I am claiming His promises over my life. There are times where I really don't want to, but I know I must. I think God rewards persistence, and if you force yourself, soon your heart and spirit will follow. Whew! Heavy, I know. 
• I just started reading "Hannah's Hope," a book on infertility from a Christian perspective. I am only through chapter two, and I must say "wow!" This book verbalizes the things that I have been feeling and going through in a way that I could never have put to words. It reassures me that I am not alone in this journey, I am not going crazy, and what I am feeling as I go through this is "normal."
• I love Christmas, but this year is going to be more challenging. Last Christmas, I was convinced that we would be celebrating "baby's first Christmas" this year. My two brothers both had their first children this past year, and one is already preggers with their second. I am excited to see them, it is just bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for them and love them dearly. It's just hard when I am at the place I am in right now. And, this will be the first year without Michael's stepfather...
• I started drinking Ensure. Haha, don't laugh at me. I just have been so nauseated that I haven't been eating very much, which has caused me to lose weight. I realized the other day that although my nausea is likely caused by the hormones and meds, that some of it may be caused by what's called "grief nausea." This makes sense to me now. Going through infertility is like going through a grief process. 
• I am waiting on the Lord. Not passively! Waiting means expecting! I am expecting God to move in my life. Every day, I say things similar to this out loud- "God, I am expecting You to heal my body. I am expecting You to reveal Yourself to me. I am expecting You to do great things in my life. I am expecting You to move like never before. I am expecting You to comfort. I am expecting You to heal my mind. I am expecting to see You like never before!!!" What a way to go through the day, in expectation of God's promises, instead of just passively "waiting on God." 

Merry Christmas...

Hysterosalpingogram

It's such a long and fancy medical term - I don't think I can even pronounce it. So let's go by the abbreviation, HSG.

Today I went to Sacred Heart Hospital to get a HSG done. I was pretty nervous about it, because I had done some research on it, and they all said that it was pretty uncomfortable. I checked in and was given some paperwork and then sat and waited to be admitted. As I was looking through the paper work, I saw the order for the procedure that my RE sent to the hospital. On it was some basic information, my name, date of birth, and then there was a slot labeled "diagnosis." It said "unexplained infertility." Those words hit me like a brick. I know and have known for a while that we are dealing with infertility, but the whole term with "unexplained" written on paper just made it so final for me. So I sat and cried. I broke. In a hospital waiting room. I honestly didn't care what other people saw or what they were thinking. I took out my phone and meditated on Psalm 91...

My name was called by a very nice nurse, and she prepped me for the procedure. She was a God-send for me. She wanted to know about me and my TTC journey so far, and she was genuinely interested. She told me about her sister going through a similar thing, and that she ended up preggers (via IVF) with twins. Those stories always give me hope. To know that I am not the only one in this, and that many others have successfully had babies.

The doctor came in and started the procedure. He inserted a catheter into my cervix, inflated a balloon inside, and administered the dye. It sounds painful, and yes, it was. Thank God it was short. I was able to watch the scan that they were doing, and I watched the dye fill my uterus and then flow freely through my right fallopian tube and into my ovary. That was very good news - my right was clear! The dye flowed into my left fallopian tube, but would not flow into my ovary. The doctor increased the amount of dye, and then finally, the dye flowed through the tube into my left ovary. The doctor told me that I probably had a blockage in my left, but that the dye cleaned it all out, and everything is flowing the way it should. This happens to many women who have this procedure done - it clears out the blockage and several get pregnant after the HSG.

So, it was good news in a sense. We can rule out any blockage. Now we just need to find out why my hormones have flat-lined and why I have no cycle. We will do another ultrasound and blood work next Wednesday, and all of my testing will be almost done!

So after the HSG was done, I decided not to go back to work because I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I decided instead to go through the drive through at Chick-fil-A and go home and rest and relax with my heating pad. And my puppy, Ginger.

Please continue to pray for me.

Reflections

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially on this past year. I honestly feel like this has been the most challenging year of my life. So much has happened physically, mentally, and spiritually. If I could go back a year ago and tell myself what to prepare for, here is what I would say...

Get ready. Arm yourself. Get your prayer life in order. Be consistent in meeting with God every day. Clothe yourself daily with the Word of God and His promises. Guard your mind - don't let the devil get a foothold in your mind. Cling to the verse "do not be anxious about anything."

But the reality is is that I cannot go back in time. I can only imagine if I had done all the above things, I would be so much stronger right now...

Enough of dwelling on the past. I will never move forward if I focus on it. 

Just in the past couple of weeks, I have been praying and reading my Bible a lot more. Which leads me to ask, "God, are You bringing me through all of this for the sole purpose of drawing me closer to You?" I have fully realized that I cannot make it without my Abba. For so long, I have put God on the back burner of my life, and I am caught in between what I want for my life and what God's will is for my life. I believe that I have lived a good Christian life - I have done and said all of the right things. I have lived acknowledging God as my Lord and Saviour, but I have not pursued Him with everything that I am. 

My dear friend blogged the other day, and I needed to hear it. Here's what she said...

HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. 

Psalm 91:1

This is what became clear to me: Whoever makes a genuine effort and sets aside real-time to dig deeper into (meditate on) the Word of God (instead of the self-help section at Barnes & Noble) will live a life of stability, one that is not shaken by a let down, or knocked over by the trials of life.  I will not make it if unless I fill my heart with the truth from God's Word, I just won't make it!!!  I've been fooling myself for too long into thinking that I can make it through any given day off a couple cups of good coffee and a #6 from whataburger.  I desire patience & self-control in my life, but the truth is: those things have already been given to me as a daughter of Christ.  They are fruits of the spirit. But the older I get the more I realize those things are given as seeds, and they will not grow in my life if not lived out.  I have to KILL (literally kill) the things that take precedence over the fruits of the spirit.

Although my situation is different from what my dear friend is going through, I feel like she was inside of my mind and eloquently wrote down on paper what was jumbled in my head. She is so right - I have to fill my heart with God's word, there is no other way. The fruit of the spirit that I desire most right now is peace, and the only way I will get peace is if I fill my life constantly with the things of the Lord, so I am filled to overflowing. Nothing else will fill me to overflowing - not my job, not my family, not my church, not my husband, and for too long, I have been putting my everything into those things. 

Tennessee Extravaganza 2010

Michael and I took a well needed vacation to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. We drove up Wednesday with our BFFs (The Moore's) and met up with our other BFFs (The Cutler's) at a cabin in the hills that we rented. We stayed through Sunday, and had many great adventures! 

The view from the cabin was breath-taking, and the cabin itself was gorgeous, with a game room and a hot tub. We were able to make breakfast every morning, too! 

Enjoying a popcorn break with my buddy, Isaak. 

We spent our first afternoon in Gatlinburg. The main street was full of shops, attractions, and lots of food! We all decided to ride the lifts up to the top of one of the mountains. It was so much fun, and a little scary, because only one small bar was holding you in. 

 The boys at the top!

 Taking a walk with my sweet, sweet bubby. I love him!

The next day, we went to Smoky Mountains National Park, where we drove the famous Cade's Cove. The drive brought you through the mountains and the valleys of the Smoky's, where you could stop along the way at different look-outs and old cabins and churches. We had a great time. Our first stop was a picnic by a beautiful river. 

If you look closely, you will see our lumberjack husbands exploring the banks of the river. 

We stopped at many different points along the way to take pictures. Amick brought his snazzy camera, and was able to take our Christmas photos. His turned out a lot better, especially with his incredible editing, but as you will see, my camera took some okay ones! 

I love these girls!!!

So sweet!

Along the drive, we saw a lot of wildlife, including turkeys, deer, and this huge black bear!

The next day, we went to the Apple Barn Cider Mill. The place was awesome - it was an apple orchard with all these different country buildings with a general store, restaurant, apple cafe, bakery, and winery. It was gorgeous. We enjoyed apple pie. apple cider, and bottled coke. YUM!!!

Jessica and Christy saw an apple tree for the first time ever! 

And then... we found a pecan tree! I had never seen one before. So, we sat under the tree for a while, eating a ton of pecans!

Later that night, we rode go carts and went mini golfing. Fun!

Isaak even went on some rides - all by himself for the first time! He is such a big boy!

The boys showing off their golfing skills...

On our final morning, we woke up to snow on the mountain tops. It was gorgeous. I didn't want to leave at all.

We had such a great vacation, and we even said that we should make it an annual trip! We had an incredibly relaxing time, and I left feeling refreshed and encouraged. 

Am I Going Out Of My Mind?!

One year... One year ago, I was convinced that I would be holding a newborn by now. So much has happened in one short, yet long, year...

Michael's stepfather was killed in a tragic accident. It left me questioning God. I have witnessed my close friends go through tragedies of their own, and I am again left questioning God. I have struggled with our diagnosis of infertility, and I am questioning God. I feel numb, and I find myself questioning my purpose, human purpose in general, God's will, God's sovereignty, and it sometimes leaves me incredibly depressed. But through all of this, I have found myself seeking God more, praying more, and reading my Bible more. I have found that the only thing that will get me out of my swings of depression is to read Scripture, mostly Psalms. 

For the past couple of months, I have been experiencing these crazy feelings of anxiety and depression. I really can't explain it, it comes in waves. And when I am feeling well, I dread the next time I will feel bad. It has become a vicious cycle. I started doing some research about what I am feeling, because my entire life I have been such an upbeat, positive person. And I found that many other women who are in my shoes experience the same thing, and that it is usually caused by a hormonal imbalance (which I definitely have), as well as the stress of infertility. I honestly feel like I am going out of my mind.

Pastor Josh's message on Sunday brought me to my knees. It was all about maintaining a healthy heart through our thought lives. We are to saturate our thoughts with God's truth and identify and reject dominating thoughts that compete with God's truth. So I have taken on the challenge of taking every thought captive and to guard my thoughts. When the depression and anxiety creeps in triggering negative and fearful thoughts, I stop them in their tracks and remind myself of a truth about God and what God says about me. I am on day three of doing this, and I hope to form it into a habit. I am already seeing the benefits. During his message, Pastor Josh said that our minds become so focused on the negative or the problem that we block out the good and what God has done. That is what I have been doing. I also have allowed my circumstance to rule my life, and that leads to no joy and no peace, all of which I confess to feeling. And so, I am doing my best to focus on this...

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. 

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

Last month, Michael and I, after setting aside time to pray and seek God, decided to go ahead and see the  reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist) at NewLIFE (New Leaders in Fertility and Endocrinology). After going nowhere in our fertility for a year, and me not getting a period on my own in over a year, we decided it was time to seek the specialist's treatment. I think the receptionist noticed my desperation in wanting to immediately see the doctor, so she got us in very quickly. We sat down with the doctor and went over everything in detail. I was very impressed with him, he was kind and compassionate, sensitive and encouraging. Basically, we know things are not right.  And he immediately saw that things were not right, and that we were in the right place and would receive the right help. The doctor explained that in order to get to the source of our infertility, we would have to go through a month of lots of testing. He put me on progesterone to induce a period, and then the testing begins. I did get my period yesterday, so I will be doing blood work tomorrow to run my hormone levels. Over the next couple of weeks as I go on clomid once again to induce ovulation, I will have blood work, a couple of ultrasounds, and a test where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes. Michael will also be tested again, this time more thoroughly. All of these tests will show the doctor what exactly is going on, and then we will be able to go from there. After the tests are completed and the results are in, we will once again sit down with the doctor and he will create a treatment plan for us, which I am guessing will be in early January. 

Please pray for us as we go through this month of testing. Please pray for my spirit, that the anxiety and depression will cease. Pray that the tests will show clear results. Pray that I physically will feel better - the nausea, dizziness, and fatigue has taken a toll. Pray for my husband, that he will have the strength to put up with me as I am incredibly hormonal, and that he will be uplifted and encouraged in his day to day life. 

Fighting For Our Babies

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs where a mommy-to-be was giving an update about her pregnancy. She wrote about defeating the enemy in carrying a healthy baby to full term. If you go back and read her story from the beginning, you will find that she lost her first baby.  Her post reminded me of a conversation that I had with hubby a while back. We had just been told that Michael's analysis was abnormal, and that I also was having issues with my own body in the area of fertility. I clearly remember my husband saying "I guess we are going to have to fight for our kids."

And it really hit me today. We truly are going to have to fight for our children. The enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy, and I firmly believe that Satan does not want Michael and I to have children. The moment we have our children, we will give them right back to God. I pray that our future children will be mighty warriors for God, and Satan does not want to see that happen. I hear the enemy daily whispering lies, saying "God has left you" or "He won't give You children." And some days, I listen to those lies and completely question God. 

Then I heard a song today that said "In all things we know that we are more than conquerors." The battle has already been won! The enemy has already been defeated, and I will claim that I am victorious, and I will keep singing of victory! 

And so we will not give up! We will fight and we will see victory, for it has already been won. 

Thank you Jesus!

Amen and amen!

Trust

I love this song by Kristene Mueller...actually, the whole album is awesome. This song, Trust, has been speaking to me in so many ways. I hope it blesses you as well. 

A Lesson From Lazarus (part one)

I am in the middle of reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie is the wife of Todd, the lead singer in the music group Selah. Angie and Todd were pregnant with their fourth child when they were told that the baby was "incompatible with life" and would not live much past her birth. Angie carried baby Audrey to full term. After the baby arrived, she only lived for over two hours. This book is an incredible and true story of faith and grief. Throughout the book, Angie weaves the story of Lazarus (from the book of John) with her own story of grief and heartache. I have never before seen that story of Lazarus like I do now...

When Lazarus became sick, his sisters Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, saying "Lord, the one You love is sick" (John 11:3). Mary and Martha knew that Jesus could heal, but they never asked Him to. They simply stated what the problem was and waited to see what Jesus would do. I know that I have not asked for healing this way. I usually say, or more like beg "Lord, heal my body. Heal my husband's body. Give us a baby." Basically I am telling God what He should do. But what Angie pointed out in her book totally spoke to me - recognize who He is (sovereign), tell Him the problem, and leave the rest to Him. Talk about surrender!

Lord, my husband and I are infertile.

After Jesus received word from Mary and Martha about Lazarus, He waited two days before traveling to see them. I'm sure the sisters were beginning to feel impatient, wondering why the Lord did not come immediately. In John 11:14-12, Jesus tells the disciples that Lazarus is dead, but He is glad because they will be able to witness a miracle and believe. But Mary and Martha did not know this at the time - they wanted to know that He was coming. 

It has been almost a year, Lord. And no baby, not even any improvement in our fertility. Are You really coming? Are You allowing us to wait so our little baby will be a miracle and we and others will believe?

Lazarus died. After being buried for four days, Mary and Martha finally heard that Jesus was coming. The very first thing that Martha tells Jesus when he arrives is that her brother would still be alive if He had been there - John 11:21. But she continues by saying "But I know that even now God will give You whatever You ask" - John 11:22. Jesus did go on to tell her that Lazarus would rise, but Martha assumed He meant Lazarus' resurrection into heaven. Then Jesus said "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even if he dies; and whoever believes in me will never die." Then he asked Martha, "Do you believe this?" And Martha replied "Yes, Lord." 

I know that You are God, but I feel hurt that You haven't met me where I wanted You to be. But in this moment of hurt, I believe You are who You say You are. I believe. And I need to hear my own voice declaring that.

So Martha goes back to the house to tell Mary to go meet Jesus. Mary immediately got up and ran. Mary just buried her brother. But when she heard that Jesus was close by, she ran to Him, falling at His feet, saying "Kai nyn" - translated "even now." 

Even now, Lord, I believe You can heal. Even now, when the doctor's can't explain. Even now, a year later.

As Mary wept at Jesus' feet, He became "angry in spirit and very agitated." According to scholars, this emotion was directed at death itself, angry at the hurt that Mary and Martha were feeling. And Jesus wept. The Bible reveals that while Mary and Martha were wailing, Jesus was weeping. To paraphrase Angie, Mary and Martha's tears moved Jesus, causing Him to weep. He was not crying over Lazarus' death, but over the hurt He is experiencing with the people He loves. And to quote Angie, "He isn't crying because the situation is hopeless, but because He is an empathetic God. He knows they can't see hope."

Lord, I weep, I wail. You weep for my hurt. At times I can't see hope. But You know that there is hope. I cling to that.

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." II Corinthians 4:16-18 

More to come...