10 Things

1. Evelyn is now five months old. And is full of smiles and giggles. She is a happy baby, when she's not tired or hungry.

2. Nine weeks left in the public school year, which means 18 working days, which means only 108 pre-k music classes to teach!!!! The end is in sight!!!!!!!!

3. Evelyn hasn't quite gotten the roll from your back to your belly down yet. She gets her legs over and can lay on her side, but she hasn't flipped all the way over. But I do know that she moves a lot during the night. When she wakes up and I go in to get her, she usually is laying the opposite way than where she started. She scoots herself down to one side, too. And I've found that she is a side sleeper, when she's in her crib. She has recently discovered that she can put her legs in the air and grab her feet with her hands. It's so cute. And she is still in love with her paci, and can even pick it up and put it in her mouth herself (usually upsidedown). 

4. I read this in Jesus Calling this morning - "Nothing is as important as spending time with Me...if you skimp on this time with Me, you may plunge headlong into the wrong activities, missing the richness of what I have planned for you." Harsh reality - I think I've missed out big time on the richness that He has planned due to this. It's so hard - why do I not do the things that I know I should? Why do I find myself not even wanting to spend time with Him??? It's such a fleshly battle. I often look with disdain at those people who cheerily go on and on about how their amazing early morning time with God is just perfect. And then I heard a pastor, yes, a pastor, say that he even struggles with not wanting to spend time with Him. That for every single person, because of humanity, it is a struggle of the flesh. I love this blog post about it - true. authentic. real. Intentional time with God - It is not easy, but it is worth it!

5. As I stated before, Evelyn is now 5 months old, and I thought this morning "That means that Michael and I have not been on a date alone in five months." This will need to change, for the sake of our relationship. It's hard, sometimes, as new parents, to adjust to balancing time with Evelyn and time for our marriage. Most everything, our conversations, our actions, our decisions, revolve around her. I firmly believe marriage first, children second. We have received a few babysitting offers, so we will definitely have to take people up on that! 

6. I realize the frozen-yogurt-shop-with-a-billion-flavors-and-toppings is most likely a fad, but it is a fad that I LOVE!

7. I don't know if I've been healed of infertility. Yes, we have a miracle baby. But my mind has started to wander down the ugly path of worrying about the future...what if? What if I don't get a cycle? No sign of it yet...What if we can't conceive on our own again? What if... I am still infertile? I cringe and have tears at the thought. I was talking to my dear friend about this the other day, and she warned me against that thinking, telling me that I cannot go down that path of thinking and I cannot do that to myself. And I agree. I cannot rob the joy and thankfulness that I feel from my Evelyn. I need to enjoy every single moment with her, and not worry about the future. That negative and worry thinking is only the enemy sneaking in and attacking me where he knows it hurts.

8. My parents are moving away, back north. I know God is leading them, and I fully and lovingly support them in wherever God leads. But it is going to be a hard adjustment for me. Honestly, I am doing my best to not even think about it. I just want to enjoy these last couple of weeks of having them live just down the road. 

9. Evelyn had her very first beach visit a couple of weeks ago. She did so well! We bought one of those pop-up canopies to keep us all out of the sun. She loved the feel of the sand, and I did dip her toes in the water. She seemed to like it until a large wave washed up and soaked her up to her little booty. That she did not appreciate! So, I'm sure that will be the first of many beach trips with her this summer. She is going to be my little beach bum! We took a lot of cute pictures, I will post them soon! Speaking of the beach - I need a new suit. Something young and hip but something that covers everything (ahem, the tummy and larger booty) that needs to be covered. I dread that day when I have to go suit shopping. This post baby body aint ever going to be what it used to! But, I am okay with that! To me, a mommy's body is much more beautiful than those stick-thin models on the runway. I just need to find the right-fitting swimsuit to flatter this mommy's body. 

10. A beautiful quote - "The sun climbs the horizon. I throw back the covers, take another breath, and begin. I GET to. I GET to live..." -Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts. (incredible book I am currently reading.)

I'm Working On It...

Psalm 131 (MSG)

God, I'm not trying to rule the roost,

I don't want to be king of the mountain.

I haven't meddled where I have no business

or fantasized grandiose plans.

I've kept my feet on the ground,

I've cultivated a quiet heart.

Like a baby content in its mother's arms,

my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.

Hope now; hope always!

Oh, how I want this to be true of my heart, to fully release the control that I feel like I have to have over my life! To not want to be king of my life! To relinquish all control to Him who is able, to Him who truly is in control of it all! To cultivate a quiet heart, for my soul to be content! 

Can you relate?

Healing

Finding out "why?" doesn't guarantee healing. Pursue the Healer, and let Him handle the "why?"

My dear, wise friend said this the other day. 

Wow. 

If anything, that was for me, to pierce my heart.

Struggling with chronic physical pain is awful, especially when it's a back injury that won't heal - the doctor's tried everything and wrote me off as "permanent injury that may or may not heal."  The pain forces its ugly self into every part of life - physical, mental, spiritual...EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It makes me exhausted. It makes me depressed.

I'm tired of it all, fed up.

How can I fully and presently be the wife, mother, friend that I truly want to be when this pain gets in the way?

Everyday for the past eleven years, my focus (when it comes to my injury) is:

Lord, heal my back.

Lord, heal my back.

Lord, heal my back.

I ask God to heal me daily, but it hasn't happened. I certainly want it. I know He can do it. - We have a miracle baby to prove that nothing is impossible!

It has been a long haul.

So then my focus shifts to
Lord, if I can just understand why, then I will be okay. All of the pain, exhaustion, depression will be worth it if I can just understand why! Just show me it's purpose, then I can move on with my life, and perhaps healing in its own way will come! 

And then I read her quote:

Finding out "why?" doesn't guarantee healing. Pursue the Healer, and let Him handle the "why?"

I am not guaranteed healing. I am most likely not going to understand the purpose of it all. All I need to do is pursue Him. It is so hard for me, I grasp control - tightly, with both hands.

Thank you Lord, for Your grace that I so desperately need.

Thank you that with each new day comes new mercy. 

Check Up

Earlier this week, my sweet baby girl had her four month pediatrician visit. We were told that she is perfect and healthy. So, we must be doing something right! 

She had another round of shots, one in each leg. It was hard for me, again, to see her in pain and crying, but daddy was there and calmed her down in under a minute! 

She now weighs 13 pounds, 6 ounces, and is 25 inches long. My tall, thin girl!

She is grabbing and grasping more and more at things, and loves snuggling with silky edges on blankets. She wants EVERYTHING in her mouth, and if it's not a toy or her paci, its her hands. It's pretty funny when she tries to shove her entire hand or fist into her mouth...
She loves looking at pictures of Michael and I. It's so sweet - she just stares at them and smiles. So I made a little photo book for her! And, I discovered that Evelyn is very ticklish and loves to giggle! The other day, she laughed the longest laughs that I have ever heard come from her! She LOVES buzzing her lips/blowing air through her lips. She does it on the changing table, when she wakes up, through her paci, and when she's falling asleep. She is always full of smiles, all day long! And she doesn't want to miss a beat - lately, when we eat out, she is not content being in her car seat. So she usually ends up sitting in my lap as I eat. Soon, when she's able to sit up, she'll be able to join us at the table in a highchair, and I think she will be so happy about that! In my last update, I said that she hadn't been napping at all. Well, that has changed! She takes a couple hour long naps now, which is a huge improvement. But she still won't nap in the crib - she prefers her swing or my arms.
Evelyn is such a happy baby ( when she's not hungry or tired!)

And she is now cuter than ever. See for yourself...

All dressed up

Yesterday, we went on her first "big girl" walk, front-facing, not in the car seat! 

She loved it. 

Sweet Smiles

Isn't she amazingly beautiful???

Shutterfly

I just wanted to quickly share with you a new product (new to me) that I absolutely love. 

I had been wanting to print and scrapbook all of my pregnancy, birth, and newborn photos. As a new mommy, I honestly do not have the time or energy to do it! So I came to the sad realization that it probably would never get done. 

Until I remembered Shutterfly.com! I uploaded all of my photos to their website, edited, captioned, designed everything, and ordered the photo books. And I love the way they turned out. They are pretty affordable, compared to the cost of buying a photo album, printing off all of the photos, and buying all of the scrapbooking accessories, not to mention all of the time it would take to scrapbook. All I had to do was sit at the computer, and it would save all of the progress I made, so I was able to do it over the course of a few weeks. The quality was really good, with thick pages and a hardcover. And, none of the pictures looked pixilated, no matter how big I made them. They seems to run free shipping regularly, and  I was able to find coupon codes for extra discounts! 

And, all of our professional photos taken by Amick Cutler Photography looked gorgeous in the books!

  

The first book is all of the pregnancy photos, and the second book is the birth and newborn photos. 

I will definitely be making more, as Evelyn grows!

Happy scrapping - or should I say - shutterflying! 

The Land Between

It's been some time since I've written about spiritual life. I in no way want to compartmentalize my life and put things into boxes, like "baby", "marriage", "God", etc, because ultimately, those things are all intertwined, are weaved into my every day, and are a part of every post that I write.

But I think it's time for a gut check, for me to be honest with myself, for me to be transparent about what God is doing and how He is working. I always have to remind myself that the way God is working in my life could make an impact in someone else's life. And hey, isn't that what it's all about?

Several weeks ago, I sat down for lunch with my dear friend. I expressed to her that I am in a place that is uncomfortable. I'm having a hard time seeing the horizon, seeing what God has for me. I know where I've come from, but I honestly do not know where I am going. Have you ever been there? I know God is leading us, but where? What is it going to look like? I feel like He is making all things new. We are on this journey that is our own, and right now, we are in the land between where we clearly came from to the unknown. We are in a time of transition where at times it is difficult to hear His voice, see His direction, and understand what is to come. We are in a land between. My friend told me that they were starting a small group centered around the topic "The Land Between," based on a book of the same title. It was no coincidence. 

I am in a new season, where I am really struggling with my identity. I've walked away from ministries that I previously poured everything into. I am now a mommy. We are a family. What does that mean for us? Who are we going to become? Where is God leading? He's leading us as a family now, and that is incredibly new for us. 

I have a terribly difficult time even articulating what is going on...

But the land between is fertile ground for God to plant seeds for things to come. 

And in this fertile ground, God is showing me many things, convicting me, moving me, and causing me to take an honest look...

He is showing me that I love Him, but am I in love with Him? There is a huge difference.

I believe in God, but do I believe Him? Again, huge difference.

I've allowed the enemy to whisper lies to me. My thought life is in need of an emergency room. The enemy knows our weaknesses, and he kicks us when we are down.

And how can I expect change and expect God to move when my flesh takes over? There is a constant battle between the spiritual and the flesh, and honestly, my flesh does not want to spend time with Him. My flesh doesn't want to pray, it doesn't want to read His word. 

And another big thing that God has revealed in this land between?

I've used ministry and serving as my crutch. I faithfully served every week, and that was becoming my god. I told myself "I put in my time this week, served Him, worshipped Him, connected with Him on an emotional level, tried to create and conjure up some sort of encounter with Him, so that means God and I are good - our relationship is great!" But it wasn't until I was told to walk away from those ministries and serving that God revealed that to me. And it is a painful reality. Now I am left standing here with no ministry, no form of service to use as a crutch. It's just me and God. I can clearly see how my relationship with Him really is, at it's core. And it hurts. 

So that is a small glimpse into where I am at. I did my best to articulate and explain, but I am still being shown these things...

This is my land between. 

Counting Weeks

If one counts weeks, it has been sixteen weeks today since Evelyn was born. That means she is four months old! Goodness, how time doesn't slow down. At all.

So, now that I am coming to terms with the fact that I have a four month old (really???), I will share some of her latest and greatest...

Her hair is growing in (as mine is falling out from post-preggers hormones). And it is so beautiful. It is still that strawberry blonde color!

We are still happily and successfully breastfeeding. 

She's got little rolls on her thighs and the cutest dimples in her butt!

She has discovered her voice. And she is a chatty girl! She "talks" all day long! She's discovered that she can be loud, and that her voice can go up high. It is adorable!

Evelyn loves her fingers! They are constantly in her mouth, if her paci isn't in it.

Some of her favorite things - the paci, Albert the frog, and Ollie the octopus. 

She is so kissable!!!!!

When she nurses, she will stop, turns her head, and starts talking to me. Then she turns her head back and starts nursing again. It is one of the cutest things ever. 

She loves to stand.

Evelyn is not good at naps. Since she was born, she only takes quick 10 minute cat naps here and there. And lately, the cat naps have not even been happening. She doesn't want to miss a thing! It makes for one tired mommy, though.

She is so stinkin cute. I know I'm a little biased, okay, a lot biased, but you have to admit that she is one of the cutest babies ever.

She loves loud music.

She already is scared of strangers, and just wants her mommy. When random people approach her and talk to her, she sticks out her bottom lip and starts to cry, like she is scared. 

And finally,

She is the light of my life. A precious gift from the Lord. And I am thankful.

Back to Work...

I've been back to work now for a month. 

And I don't like it.

Keep in mind that I only work two days a week.

The first morning that I worked and dropped her off at Grammie and Grampie's was horrible. I cried, more like sobbed, the entire way to work.

It has been good for me in a sense, that I am able to get out of the house.

But I really don't like it.

I have a new and huge appreciation for mommies who do it full time. It is hard enough for me doing two days a week, I can't imagine doing it five days a week. So working-full-time-mommy, I salute you and have a whole new respect for you.

Maybe when she's older it will be easier to leave her, but for now, it is very difficult.

I know my calling is to be a stay at home mommy (at least during these early years), so I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen.

It's just really hard when I am with all of these other children all day, when I know I could be at home with mine. 

And the pumping, cleaning bottles, packing her things, it's just a lot of hassle for a teeny tiny paycheck. 

I'm going to finish out the rest of the school year, and I'm going to finish strong. God has me here for a reason, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. But come fall...

I just don't want to miss a single moment with my sweet Evelyn. I want to have no regrets as she grows, and as our future children join our family. 

I really just want to follow God's plan, because He ultimately knows what's best and will lead us in the decision that is right for us. 

Road Trip!

This past week, we took our first family road trip. Michael had some business to do for work in Atlanta, so we decided to go along and spend a weekend there. 

I was amazed at all of the things we had to bring along. This was our first trip with Evelyn! 

We rented a minivan, loaded it up, and we were off!

Evelyn did great on the five hour drive. We only had to stop once to feed her, and she slept most of the way. 

We got to our hotel in Buckhead, Atlanta, and crashed. 

Daddy had to work the next day, so Evelyn and I had some relaxing time together in the hotel. We eventually ventured out on our own, going out to lunch and doing a little shopping.

Silly, sleepy girl!

Michael only had to work on Friday, so Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were ours to explore together!

We headed to the Georgia Aquarium, which is the largest aquarium in America. I loved every minute of it! Evelyn did too. She was so alert that we put her in the Bjorn so she could see everything. And she loved watching all of the fish, sea creatures, and dolphins!

After the aquarium, we went across the street to The World of Coke. Since Coke is the drink of choice in our house (for Michael - I prefer water), we had a lot of fun there. All the coke you could ever want to drink was at our disposal. Mmmm....but I drank TOO much and had a belly ache!

I was excited to sit on the American Idol couch. Remember when they used to use that? I think it was several seasons ago. 

She is so cute! Evelyn loves being on the go, so she seemed to really enjoy herself!

We also visited Stone Mountain Park. I had no idea that this even existed, and I was pretty surprised that a place like this was close to Atlanta. It was a huge park with camping, biking, trails, and several chains of lakes. And the really cool part was this huge mountain of granite. Someone at some point decided to carve into the side of the mountain. It was really impressive. 

Because we were staying in the upscale part of Atlanta, we were able to indulge in some incredible restaurants. We went to a French place called Bistro Niko, and it was the fanciest dining I've ever experienced. All of the waiters called us by name (Mr. and Mrs. Swift), and my glass was never empty. Seriously. Every time I took a sip of water, a waiter was there immediately to fill it back up. It was very formal, and I loved it. We also ate at another really cool place called Brick Tops, which was also pretty fancy, and we had Sunday lunch at Maggiano's. 

We decided to visit Lenox Square mall. I had never been to a Tiffany's before, and I really wanted to go and check it out. Audrey Hepburn made it so famous, and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. We got to this mall, and every store was a brand that you would see on the runway - Jimmy Choo, Valentino, Gucci, etc. It was crazy. Recession? What recession? Let's just say that Atlanta has a lot of wealth. And fancy cars. I've never seen so many Rolls Royce and Bentley cars in one place...

We had a great time, and our first family vacation/roadtrip was successful! It was so good to just get a way for a bit. And Evelyn was so good, too! Good food, good sight seeing, good quality time together. 

I Have A Three Month Old!

It's hard to believe, but little miss Evelyn is three months old already!

Last week, we had her 2 month check up (a few weeks late), and she is growing beautifully. She now weighs a whopping 11 pounds and is 23 inches long. 

She received her shots, one in each leg. I hated it. She cried, and I cried. Thankfully we had daddy there to calm us both down.

My little girl is now grabbing at and reaching for things. She loves her little frog that is attached to her carseat. We've affectionately named him Albert, and it lights up and plays music and she hits it and grasps it. 

She is a little chatterbox! For some reason, she loves laying on her changing pad. As soon as I put her down on it, she is smiling and cooing. She loves making vowel sounds, especially "oo." I love watching her try to imitate my voice and the shape of my lips. She is my favorite person to have conversations with! 

The drooling has not slowed down at all, which has required me to get more bibs! I had read that at this stage, the salivary glands are stimulated, which causes more drool. So thank God, it's not teeth. I don't think I'm ready for that!

Sweet Evelyn has incredible neck control. She is moving it side to side and keeps it up when she is on her tummy. She is so strong, and she has been since she was born. She never had that floppy newborn neck. 

I can definitely see a little stubborn streak in her. When she's not getting her way or doesn't want to do something, she arches her back and throws her head back. She even yells at me. Yes, yells. They're not cries, they sound more like complaints. It is pretty funny!

The past month has actually been pretty rough for me, health wise. I came down with a UTI (ugh) and had to go on antibiotics and lots of rest. Then, I developed mastitis. It is an ugly, ugly thing. So painful! The infection was in my left boob, and it looked like I had gotten a boob job just on that one side! So, antibiotics were in order again, and a lot of rest. 

So, every day I'm claiming health, speaking against any sickness, infection, and headaches. 

I will end by saying that mommyhood is the best thing. Ever. 

I believe that it truly is a calling, a God-given gift.

There are rough days, believe me. Days where you don't think you are going to make it, days where your eyes are heavy and body weak. There are frustrating days and lonely days. Days filled with spit up, endless diaper changes, heaps of laundry and mounds of dishes. 

But it is all worth it, because those days are also filled with smiles, cuddles, laughs, coos, snuggles, kisses, love, baths, dancing, rocking, singing, playing. It is hard work, but it is incredible. Some days, all I want to do is just look at her sweet face, into those big blues, and rejoice over her and thank God for her, for this gift. 

I love you, my sweet Evelyn.