A Thorn In My Flesh

At age 16 I was in a one-car car accident. It seemed pretty minor, and no one was visibly injured. The weeks that followed did bring back pain, and the testing and treatments began. Over a course of two years, I was poked, prodded, sent to this doctor and that specialist, had multiple x-rays, MRI's CT scans, given the latest pain medications, steroid injections, had physical therapy, massage therapy, and chiropractor appointments. Nothing helped. Nothing. My doctors got to the point where there was nothing more that they could do. I had micro tears in my lower lumbar muscles and ligaments that refused to heal.

It has now been ten years since the accident that caused my back injury, and I have seen no improvement, no healing. 

I live in daily pain.

Most people would not guess that I live with this. I hide it really well.

Chronic pain is something that I would wish on no one. It limits what I can and cannot do. It makes me exhausted every day. And it even makes me depressed at times. And the majority of people do not really understand how it impacts day to day life, unless they themselves have experienced chronic pain or illness.

I spent two years of my life on heavy duty drugs, including Vioxx, celebrex, skelaxin, hydrocodone, and  muscle relaxers. I got to a point where I was relying on those drugs to make me feel better, and they physically did make me feel better. They gave me some relief. But, I decided that it was not healthy to be on all of these drugs, and they really were just masking the pain. So I slowly weaned myself off of them, and learned to live with the pain. I now occasionally will take tylenol or aleve when it is really bad. 

I still to this day ask God why a healthy 16 year old had to go through this. I ask Him why I still have to go through this. Isn't ten years enough? 

And I don't know the answer. God has not given me an answer. 

I remember talking to my father about that. I was crying "Why me?" and expressing to him that I just didn't understand why I couldn't life a normal, pain-free life. He could not give an explanation to my whys, but he did remind me of Paul.

In 2 Corinthians 12, we are told that Paul was given a thorn in his flesh. We do not exactly know what that thorn was, but most biblical scholars agree that it was some sort of physical ailment. Paul says that three times, he begged the Lord to take it away. But the Lord did not take it away. 

I have begged the Lord, much more than three times, to take away my back pain. I have begged Him to heal it. I have claimed healing over myself, and others have prayed healing over me. But I have not been healed. I have not received any form of an answer or explanation. God has remained silent. 

How I so long for a normal life. Where I could enjoy simple things that most take for granted, like standing for a while; sitting for a while; running; bowling; horseback riding; lifting children; laundry; cleaning; vacuuming; my list could go on and on... 

And now, as my miracle is growing and thriving, the thorn in my flesh is becoming larger and larger. My pain seems to be worsening. It is hard to find relief. That is one of the major fears that I have had since that car accident - how my body would do during a pregnancy. I am praying that my back would grow strong, and that my pain would lessen as my pregnancy progresses. 

My back pain is the thorn in my flesh.

Someday it may be removed.

Or I may have this pain for the rest of my life. 

And there is no fancy, spiritual reason that I can give as to why. I do not believe that means that I have little faith or that I do not believe that God can heal. I know He can heal. I've seen it with my own eyes - all I have to do is look at my growing belly. Our two year storm with infertility was painful. God seemed silent. As we were in the thick of our treatments, diagnosis, I could not see at all how God was working through it. In my mind, in my life, where was God? In my body, where was God? As I reflect back over those years of heartache, I can see how I've grown, what I've learned, how my hubby and I have been drawn closer together, how I've been drawn closer to God. For the most part, He was silent, allowing me to struggle, to grapple, to cry out. It was painful. But all along, I know He never left. He never stopped loving me.  And now as we rejoice for our miracle child, everything that we went through is still so fresh. I still do not fully understand why we had to go through such heartache to finally be able to carry a child, and why God seemed silent. Perhaps it was so I could grow, so I could come to a place with God like never before, so I could be a testimony to others...

As for my back pain, I find myself in a similar place. But I have to trust God and know that ultimately it is His choice and His plan, and that His ways are higher than mine. I have to believe that! He has the final say in whether He is going to deliver me or not. As my dear friend says, "I believe life can be hard; and not every storm brings immediate sunshine." God, You are God and I am not. Even though it seems like You are silent, I will trust. I have to.