Back in June, I had a great conversation with a dear friend about the place I am in regarding more babies. It is my hearts desire, and sometimes I get discouraged in the wait. She told me that I need to be in a place of joy and thanksgiving, for my womb, for who God is, for His completed work. And I listened, I was convicted. I asked the Lord to bring me to that place. I thought it would be hard, but His grace has been more than sufficient.
About a month later, I was talking with Michael about my prayers for more children. And through our conversation, I realized I had been begging God for my heart's desire. And I never thought the Lord would tell me this, but He told me "stop praying for it." Because I need to rest in Him, and know that He knows my heart, my desires, my tears. I need to destroy the lie that "if I pray more and more, God will hear me." That only created striving on my part. Once again, I thought it would be nearly impossible to stop praying for this, but He has made it seem easy. I feel I am in His rest, in His hand, that He has taken me under the shelter of His wing. And I am able to worship out of a place of joy and thanksgiving, for who He is, and for the fact that our God is a God of completion. That even if I only feel thirty percent healed, that I rejoice, because He is big, He is complete, and the seventy percent remaining is on its way. Amen!
My mind hasn't been clouded, and my heart is secure.
My soul has grasped and held on to the love of the Father,
and I have been able to worship from a place like never before.
A couple days ago, I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I had been feeling some different symptoms. Usually I hype myself up to the point of panic before I take a test, because I've been so used to so many negatives. But as I got ready and took the test, peace and rest was all over my bathroom. I set the test on the counter, and got ready to hop in the shower.
On my way to the shower, I looked, and it was negative.
My heart didn't even sink, like so many previous times.
I didn't question God.
I didn't even ask "why?"
In fact, I felt a song rising up out of my heart, like warm liquid worship; I didn't even think, and I felt utterly in His Spirit, almost outside of myself -
and I found myself singing out from my heart and soul
"Great is thy faithfulness, Lord God my Father.
There is no shadow of turning with thee.
Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not.
As thou hast been, thou forever wilt be.
Great is thy Faithfulness. Great is thy Faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."
And my heart sang it, over and over, and it overflowed to a roaring, intense melody
coming out of my lips.
It was loud, and strong, and my ears heard it and my eyes saw it.
And I thanked the Lord. For a failed test. So my heart could sing His praise in thanksgiving and joy for who He is, and who I am in Him.
