Reflections

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially on this past year. I honestly feel like this has been the most challenging year of my life. So much has happened physically, mentally, and spiritually. If I could go back a year ago and tell myself what to prepare for, here is what I would say...

Get ready. Arm yourself. Get your prayer life in order. Be consistent in meeting with God every day. Clothe yourself daily with the Word of God and His promises. Guard your mind - don't let the devil get a foothold in your mind. Cling to the verse "do not be anxious about anything."

But the reality is is that I cannot go back in time. I can only imagine if I had done all the above things, I would be so much stronger right now...

Enough of dwelling on the past. I will never move forward if I focus on it. 

Just in the past couple of weeks, I have been praying and reading my Bible a lot more. Which leads me to ask, "God, are You bringing me through all of this for the sole purpose of drawing me closer to You?" I have fully realized that I cannot make it without my Abba. For so long, I have put God on the back burner of my life, and I am caught in between what I want for my life and what God's will is for my life. I believe that I have lived a good Christian life - I have done and said all of the right things. I have lived acknowledging God as my Lord and Saviour, but I have not pursued Him with everything that I am. 

My dear friend blogged the other day, and I needed to hear it. Here's what she said...

HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. 

Psalm 91:1

This is what became clear to me: Whoever makes a genuine effort and sets aside real-time to dig deeper into (meditate on) the Word of God (instead of the self-help section at Barnes & Noble) will live a life of stability, one that is not shaken by a let down, or knocked over by the trials of life.  I will not make it if unless I fill my heart with the truth from God's Word, I just won't make it!!!  I've been fooling myself for too long into thinking that I can make it through any given day off a couple cups of good coffee and a #6 from whataburger.  I desire patience & self-control in my life, but the truth is: those things have already been given to me as a daughter of Christ.  They are fruits of the spirit. But the older I get the more I realize those things are given as seeds, and they will not grow in my life if not lived out.  I have to KILL (literally kill) the things that take precedence over the fruits of the spirit.

Although my situation is different from what my dear friend is going through, I feel like she was inside of my mind and eloquently wrote down on paper what was jumbled in my head. She is so right - I have to fill my heart with God's word, there is no other way. The fruit of the spirit that I desire most right now is peace, and the only way I will get peace is if I fill my life constantly with the things of the Lord, so I am filled to overflowing. Nothing else will fill me to overflowing - not my job, not my family, not my church, not my husband, and for too long, I have been putting my everything into those things. 

Tennessee Extravaganza 2010

Michael and I took a well needed vacation to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. We drove up Wednesday with our BFFs (The Moore's) and met up with our other BFFs (The Cutler's) at a cabin in the hills that we rented. We stayed through Sunday, and had many great adventures! 

The view from the cabin was breath-taking, and the cabin itself was gorgeous, with a game room and a hot tub. We were able to make breakfast every morning, too! 

Enjoying a popcorn break with my buddy, Isaak. 

We spent our first afternoon in Gatlinburg. The main street was full of shops, attractions, and lots of food! We all decided to ride the lifts up to the top of one of the mountains. It was so much fun, and a little scary, because only one small bar was holding you in. 

 The boys at the top!

 Taking a walk with my sweet, sweet bubby. I love him!

The next day, we went to Smoky Mountains National Park, where we drove the famous Cade's Cove. The drive brought you through the mountains and the valleys of the Smoky's, where you could stop along the way at different look-outs and old cabins and churches. We had a great time. Our first stop was a picnic by a beautiful river. 

If you look closely, you will see our lumberjack husbands exploring the banks of the river. 

We stopped at many different points along the way to take pictures. Amick brought his snazzy camera, and was able to take our Christmas photos. His turned out a lot better, especially with his incredible editing, but as you will see, my camera took some okay ones! 

I love these girls!!!

So sweet!

Along the drive, we saw a lot of wildlife, including turkeys, deer, and this huge black bear!

The next day, we went to the Apple Barn Cider Mill. The place was awesome - it was an apple orchard with all these different country buildings with a general store, restaurant, apple cafe, bakery, and winery. It was gorgeous. We enjoyed apple pie. apple cider, and bottled coke. YUM!!!

Jessica and Christy saw an apple tree for the first time ever! 

And then... we found a pecan tree! I had never seen one before. So, we sat under the tree for a while, eating a ton of pecans!

Later that night, we rode go carts and went mini golfing. Fun!

Isaak even went on some rides - all by himself for the first time! He is such a big boy!

The boys showing off their golfing skills...

On our final morning, we woke up to snow on the mountain tops. It was gorgeous. I didn't want to leave at all.

We had such a great vacation, and we even said that we should make it an annual trip! We had an incredibly relaxing time, and I left feeling refreshed and encouraged. 

Am I Going Out Of My Mind?!

One year... One year ago, I was convinced that I would be holding a newborn by now. So much has happened in one short, yet long, year...

Michael's stepfather was killed in a tragic accident. It left me questioning God. I have witnessed my close friends go through tragedies of their own, and I am again left questioning God. I have struggled with our diagnosis of infertility, and I am questioning God. I feel numb, and I find myself questioning my purpose, human purpose in general, God's will, God's sovereignty, and it sometimes leaves me incredibly depressed. But through all of this, I have found myself seeking God more, praying more, and reading my Bible more. I have found that the only thing that will get me out of my swings of depression is to read Scripture, mostly Psalms. 

For the past couple of months, I have been experiencing these crazy feelings of anxiety and depression. I really can't explain it, it comes in waves. And when I am feeling well, I dread the next time I will feel bad. It has become a vicious cycle. I started doing some research about what I am feeling, because my entire life I have been such an upbeat, positive person. And I found that many other women who are in my shoes experience the same thing, and that it is usually caused by a hormonal imbalance (which I definitely have), as well as the stress of infertility. I honestly feel like I am going out of my mind.

Pastor Josh's message on Sunday brought me to my knees. It was all about maintaining a healthy heart through our thought lives. We are to saturate our thoughts with God's truth and identify and reject dominating thoughts that compete with God's truth. So I have taken on the challenge of taking every thought captive and to guard my thoughts. When the depression and anxiety creeps in triggering negative and fearful thoughts, I stop them in their tracks and remind myself of a truth about God and what God says about me. I am on day three of doing this, and I hope to form it into a habit. I am already seeing the benefits. During his message, Pastor Josh said that our minds become so focused on the negative or the problem that we block out the good and what God has done. That is what I have been doing. I also have allowed my circumstance to rule my life, and that leads to no joy and no peace, all of which I confess to feeling. And so, I am doing my best to focus on this...

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. 

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

Last month, Michael and I, after setting aside time to pray and seek God, decided to go ahead and see the  reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist) at NewLIFE (New Leaders in Fertility and Endocrinology). After going nowhere in our fertility for a year, and me not getting a period on my own in over a year, we decided it was time to seek the specialist's treatment. I think the receptionist noticed my desperation in wanting to immediately see the doctor, so she got us in very quickly. We sat down with the doctor and went over everything in detail. I was very impressed with him, he was kind and compassionate, sensitive and encouraging. Basically, we know things are not right.  And he immediately saw that things were not right, and that we were in the right place and would receive the right help. The doctor explained that in order to get to the source of our infertility, we would have to go through a month of lots of testing. He put me on progesterone to induce a period, and then the testing begins. I did get my period yesterday, so I will be doing blood work tomorrow to run my hormone levels. Over the next couple of weeks as I go on clomid once again to induce ovulation, I will have blood work, a couple of ultrasounds, and a test where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes. Michael will also be tested again, this time more thoroughly. All of these tests will show the doctor what exactly is going on, and then we will be able to go from there. After the tests are completed and the results are in, we will once again sit down with the doctor and he will create a treatment plan for us, which I am guessing will be in early January. 

Please pray for us as we go through this month of testing. Please pray for my spirit, that the anxiety and depression will cease. Pray that the tests will show clear results. Pray that I physically will feel better - the nausea, dizziness, and fatigue has taken a toll. Pray for my husband, that he will have the strength to put up with me as I am incredibly hormonal, and that he will be uplifted and encouraged in his day to day life. 

Fighting For Our Babies

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs where a mommy-to-be was giving an update about her pregnancy. She wrote about defeating the enemy in carrying a healthy baby to full term. If you go back and read her story from the beginning, you will find that she lost her first baby.  Her post reminded me of a conversation that I had with hubby a while back. We had just been told that Michael's analysis was abnormal, and that I also was having issues with my own body in the area of fertility. I clearly remember my husband saying "I guess we are going to have to fight for our kids."

And it really hit me today. We truly are going to have to fight for our children. The enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy, and I firmly believe that Satan does not want Michael and I to have children. The moment we have our children, we will give them right back to God. I pray that our future children will be mighty warriors for God, and Satan does not want to see that happen. I hear the enemy daily whispering lies, saying "God has left you" or "He won't give You children." And some days, I listen to those lies and completely question God. 

Then I heard a song today that said "In all things we know that we are more than conquerors." The battle has already been won! The enemy has already been defeated, and I will claim that I am victorious, and I will keep singing of victory! 

And so we will not give up! We will fight and we will see victory, for it has already been won. 

Thank you Jesus!

Amen and amen!

Trust

I love this song by Kristene Mueller...actually, the whole album is awesome. This song, Trust, has been speaking to me in so many ways. I hope it blesses you as well.