Two Ultrasounds in One Week!!!

Yesterday I had my first "baby" ultrasound at NewLIFE. Michael met me there and during the entire 35 minute drive to the clinic, my heart was racing and I could barely breathe. The night before was restless; I was up every couple of hours - I was just too excited!

The ultrasound tech called me back to the room. YAY!!! Dr. Ripps came in and they started! First, they did a belly ultrasound, and I didn't see anything. - they were just checking everything out. Then, they did a vaginal ultrasound, where I immediately saw a dark circle with a small baby! As they zoomed in, I saw the heart beating. I was completely speechless. Tears streamed down my face as I watched the screen in awe. I looked over at Michael, and he had the same awe-struck look on his face. All I could manage to say was "Incredible." My nurse Kendall came in; she was so excited to see, too! All of those nurses and doctors in that room never thought that it was only going to take one treatment cycle with one mature follicle. But it did! And I know that it was all God. They printed off a picture of baby Swift for us to take home, and said that everything looked perfect. The baby's heart rate was 157, and they estimated my due date to be November 9th! It's all so real now! I saw it! I saw the baby living and growing inside of me!!!

As we exited NewLIFE, I got hugs from my nurses and Dr. Ripps. They told me to make sure to stop by periodically so they could see my growing belly! My experience at NewLIFE was incredible. The nurses and Dr. Ripps were so caring and sensitive the entire time, as well as incredibly knowledgeable and were able to diagnose and treat me quickly. I am so thankful and forever grateful for them. I know their job must be difficult, so it was fun to see some good news around the clinic. After my NewLIFE appointment, I went to the spa and got an amazing pedi where I literally was doing head bobs because I was falling asleep. Then I met Christy for lunch at Panera so I could share all of my excitement!!! 

So now I am sent to my OB, Dr. Sontag.

I called Dr. Sontag, and they got me in today, this morning! Because I am already almost 8 weeks, they wanted to see me as soon as possible. Michael came with me again, and we filled out a ton of paperwork. They called us back, and we sat down in Dr. Sontag's office and discussed EVERYTHING. I absolutely love him. He takes whatever time needed to cover all of the information and all of our questions. I am so excited that he will be delivering our baby. Thank you Christy for the recommendation! We then were sent into the ultrasound room...Ultrasounds two days in a row!! I was elated at the chance to see our baby again. We saw our baby and its beautiful heart beating away at 163.  But this time, we heard the most incredible sound in the world - the heartbeat. It was simply gorgeous. I could've listened to that all day. We got even more ultrasound pictures to take with us! After the ultrasound, we sat down with Dr. Sontag again and he said that everything looks perfect, that we are in great health, and that our chance for miscarriage is now under one percent, which was a relief to hear. Then I did some bloodwork, actually, a lot of bloodwork - 6 tubes full!!!

So, needless to say, we've have an incredible last two days. My next appointment is on April 27th at 12 weeks. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was definitely showing signs and symptoms of pregnancy, such as swollen and tender boobs, cramps, and fatigue. Let me tell you that they are in full force now! I didn't think that I could feel any more tired, but I definitely am. I am exhausted. I just sneak in a nap here and there whenever I can. My boobs are even more sore, and I'm started to outgrow my bigger bras! And the nausea...I am experiencing it for sure. I haven't thrown up at all, but I get waves of nausea throughout the day. I get hungry and want to eat, but nothing at all ever sounds good to eat, especially any red meat. I saw a burger commercial last night and thought I was going to hurl! But, I've been managing to get enough nutrition - whatever I am going to eat, I look at it and think "This is amazing. This is going to be so delicious," and that seems to help. The mind does wonders. :) And, I've been relying on my Ensure. 

Never once during this pregnancy will you hear me complain about anything. That is a promise I've made to Michael and myself. Every cramp, every moment of nausea, every time my boobs feel sore, every time exhaustion sets in, I am thankful.  I am thankful for the miracle growing inside of my causing all of these symptoms. We've waited so long and prayed so hard for this, so you will not find me complaining. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!

Spring

Today is the first official day of Spring! I love this season! To me, the smell of spring is intoxicating, especially when we lived in Wisconsin and you could literally smell the snow melting and the grass peeking through. The days become longer and driving to and from work in the light is incredible!

I love spring for what it represents. We are exiting death that winter brings and entering new life in spring. It is so symbolic of what it means when you give your life to Christ. You put off the old, dead self, and become a brand new creation in Christ! What an incredible change! I often think of Narnia, and how they were stuck in a frozen winter for hundreds of years. Spring came and melted everything with the return of Aslan. I have been reminded of this in my own life, so much! 

There are periods in every Christian's life where we go through transformations and molding that may seem like long, frozen, wintery periods. But be encouraged! What comes after that period is a warm, lush, and beautiful spring! And when the springtime comes, we may be expecting tulips and daisies, but end up with roses and lilies. Even though we may have wanted a different flower or outcome, we discover that they all are beautiful.  

Look! The winter is past, and the rains are over and gone. The flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fill the air. -Song of Songs 2:11-12

Oh that we might know the Lord! Let us press on the know Him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn, or the coming of rains in early spring. - Hosea 6:3

Rejoice, you people of Jerusalem! Rejoice in the Lord your God! For the rain He sends demonstrates His faithfulness. Once more the autumn rains will come, as well as the rains of spring.  - Joel 2:23

Ask the Lord for rain in the spring, for He makes the storm clouds. And He will send showers of rain so every field becomes a lush pasture. - Zechariah 10:1

Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord. Consider the farmer who waits patiently for the rains in the fall and spring. They eagerly look for the harvest to ripen. You, too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near. - James 5:7-8

Blessed Assurance

The following is from one of my favorite blogs, Bowen's Heart. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. I and so many that are close to me are going through so many struggles, so I know you will be encouraged by it today, too.

Perfect submission, all is at rest

I in my Savior am happy and blessed.

Watching and waiting, looking above,

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

-Frances J. Crosby

"When you realize you are not in control, it becomes clear how important it is to know who is. I've come to hold a high view of the sovereignty of God through my struggles. In simple words, I believe that God is in control and do my best to submit my worries into His care."

So today, I will sing at the top of my lungs, "Blessed Assurance! Jesus, You are mine!" The chorus of the song is actually where I got my blog title. Oh, the rich words of this old classic have become so fresh!

Blessed assurance! Jesus is mine!

Oh what a foretaste of glory divine! 

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

born of His spirit, washed in His blood. 

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long!

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long!

Perfect submission, all is at rest.

I in my Savior am happy and blessed.

Watching and waiting, looking above

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long!

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long!

Battling Worry

Well, today I am 5 weeks and 3 days, I think. I have not had my "official" appointment yet where they tell me my actual due date and such, but my nurse told me over the phone last week how far along they thought I was, according to my calendar and blood work.

I am still so shocked, and excited, but I still feel like reality hasn't set in yet - that yes, I am actually pregnant! Christy and Amick told us that it will sink in when you see the baby on the ultrasound, hear its heartbeat, and start showing a little bit. I can't wait! I look at my belly every day, thinking that maybe there will be a bump, but none yet! I suppose it is too early. 

I have been feeling okay. I am completely exhausted and feel like I could sleep 12 hours a night! My boobs are incredibly sore, and I do feel a little bloated. I also have been craving a lot of salt - I read that is because your fluid volume increases so you need more sodium. I'm still waiting for the nausea to come...I know it's on its way!

My appointment is on March 29th, two weeks from tomorrow. And it can't come fast enough. We've been pretty busy, and we will be, but at times it seems like the time is just dragging. It always seems to be that way when I have to wait for something. 

I just want to be able to have the ultrasound and be told that everything is perfect, that the baby is perfect in every way, and that we have no reason to worry. 

Oh, worry. 

I feel like I shouldn't have to think these worrisome thoughts, and that I should be rejoicing and on cloud nine all day long. I just know too many people close to me who have been through horrible tragedies and wonder if it could be me as well. We've just been through so much to even get pregnant, and I fear that it could be taken away from us in an instant. I worry about every little pain and every little cramp. I worry that when I go to the bathroom, I might see red.

I am battling worry. 

Some days I feel like I have nothing to worry about, and other moments, my mind fills with fearful thoughts. 

But, I know that God has only good planned for us. 

Michael and I are praying over our baby, speaking God's promises over him, and we are claiming health over him. 

I know I will continue to win this battle, because I have God on my side. When worry and fearful thoughts creep in, I pray. I ask God for help, for blessings, for health, for wisdom. At times I plead, I beg. And every single time that I seek God, my worries are put down, and I am drenched in peace that only comes from HIM. 

I am learning what it means to completely put my trust in Him...

Once again, I am asking you to please pray with us and for us, especially as I battle worry. 

Jesus Calling

A couple of weeks ago, as I was driving home from work, the radio DJ's on KLOVE read an excerpt from a devotional. I loved the way it was written. I got home and after some research, I found out that they were reading from "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence" by Sarah Young. These short, daily devotionals have been incredible. They are perfect for the beginning of the day, mid-day, or the end of the day. I highly recommend this book!

March 8th really jumped out at me:

Save your best striving for seeking My face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes and idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the light of My presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece.  

1 Chronicles 16:11

Matthew 6:33

Desperate Dependence

"Desperate dependence is where you surrender, not to the circumstances or loss, but to God. Max Davis says 'desperate dependence is the place where we can stop living by our own power.' It's where we discover God's strength in and through us." (From Proverbs 31 devotional)

Have you come to a place of desperate dependence? I certainly have. I came to my place when there was nothing left that I could do. I wanted to live by my power, I wanted to be independent and be responsible for my decisions regarding the way in which my life was going. I thought my ways and my wants and my desires were better than God's ways, wants, and desires for me. I finally came to that place when I was brought me to my knees, and I realized that I need to be desperately dependent on Him, and Him alone. I cannot control my life. I cannot control the when's, the why's, the why not's. Only God can. Coming to that place of desperation is not easy - it is painful and full of heartache. But God is working. Still. 

Recap: The Day We've Been Praying For

So, from my previous two posts, you will see that yes, I am pregnant! I am about 4 weeks and 4 days. I can honestly say that it doesn't seem real at all. We've been waiting for this for so long and have been through so much testing and treatments that I find myself constantly asking "is this really happening?" I have to pinch myself every minute of every day.

I wanted to give you all a recap as to what happened over the days that we found out, and so that I can remember everything since it is fresh on my mind. 

On Wednesday, March 2nd, early in the morning, I went in to NewLIFE for a blood pregnancy test. I was so worried that it was too soon, and that perhaps I could get a false positive or negative. I voiced my concerns to the nurses, and they reassured me that there was no way that I could get a false positive. If it came back positive, it definitely was. I felt better, but I just "knew" I wasn't pregnant. 

I went back to work and waited for the phone to ring. My phone did ring, around 11:20, but I couldn't answer it because I was teaching a class. My class ended at 11:30, and I immediately went to my car and called NewLIFE back. My nurse Kendall was in lunch, but she still was able to take my call, thank God! She said "Just a minute let me get your chart." During the pause, I once again told myself to expect a negative. She came back on the phone and said "It's positive." Short pause, and finally I said "Are you serious?" She said "yes!" I replied, "I just wasn't expecting that!!!" Then she proceeded to tell me that I needed to come back in Friday morning for the same blood test, to make sure my hCG levels were increasing. My head was spinning as I hung up the phone. Tears were streaming down my face and my hands were shaking. I even looked in the mirror and saw that my chest was broken out in red hives! I immediately called my husband. I truly wanted to be able to tell him in person so I could see his face and revel in the moment, but he had been waiting for the news, too. He answered the phone, and I played it really cool until I finally said, "Well..." and then my voice broke into sobs as I barely got out "It's positive!" I wish I could've seen his reaction. Just hearing it was incredible, something I'll never forget. The tone of his voice immediately changed and he said things like "Wow, really? Oh my goodness! Oh babe, I have tears in my eyes!" It was such a sweet time over the phone together. After I got off the phone with him, I then called Christy and Jessica to deliver the news that they had been waiting on all morning, too! We rejoiced together, and I thanked them for their constant prayers and asked them to keep praying for that little miracle. 

I couldn't go back to work. I had finished teaching all of my classes anyways, so I stayed in my car and left. On the way home, I stopped at Target to get some at home pregnancy tests. I wanted to see those pink lines! And, two pink lines I did see later that afternoon! 

Michael was committed to doing the youth worship that night, so I waited at home for him, watching the clock move so slowly. I couldn't wait to see him! He finally came home, walked through the door and said "Hi, Mommy." It was such a sweet moment for us. As a side note, some of the sweetest moments that I absolutely love is when hubby puts his hands on my belly and talks to the baby. I love it so much! We have been praying for this for so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went in again to NewLIFE on Friday. The wait from Wednesday to Friday actually wasn't that bad, but those days were spent pretty much begging God for my hCG numbers to shoot way up! Once again, after the blood was drawn, I got a phone call from Kendall about 4 hours later. She said my levels looked awesome! She also told me that none of them at the clinic were expecting a positive either, so they were all very surprised!

 I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt a weight off of my shoulders and felt that I truly could celebrate now! 

Later that night, we did celebrate! We went to Shark Fin with our closest friends. I was so excited to see them! They are so wise, and I pretty much hung on every word that they had to say about pregnancy. I love then dearly and I am so thankful for them! 

So now, I go back in to NewLIFE on March 29th at 9am, where we will be able to see the baby via ultrasound and hear the heartbeat! From there, NewLIFE will send us to my OB/GYN, Dr. Sontag. Three weeks to go! I pray it goes fast! Our March is insane, so I think it will go fast, and the 29th will be here quickly! 

We definitely are not telling anyone right now. Only a handful of people know, and we want to keep it that way for a while. 

I have been feeling a few symptoms. On Wednesday, I was exhausted. On Thursday, I had cramps all day. This worried me, but apparently that is completely normal. On Saturday, my sense of smell went through the roof and at church on Sunday, I thought I was going to pass out with all of the perfumes I was smelling. And today (Monday), my boobs are really sore. Oh, and I did come down with a cold (brought on by my horrible allergies) on Sunday night. Not fun at all. Be praying that I heal quickly!

On Sunday to kill some time, Michael and I walked around the baby aisles at Target. We had some fun and went through a little sticker shock as far as the pricing goes! We bought a baby names book and have found it to be really fun reading material, especially the names that you would NEVER name your child. 

So it has been a fun, seemingly unreal past week. As I stated before, I still have a hard time believing that this is all happening! Perhaps it will sink in when we see the baby, hear the heartbeat, and see a little growing baby bump. 

On a different note, I don't feel like we "conquered" infertility just because I am now pregnant. Michael and I talked about this yesterday. Infertility is something that we will always carry. It is a part of who we are. It is a journey that we never signed up to be on, but it is our journey nonetheless. It has drawn us together as a couple and challenged our relationship on many levels. I will always be able to relate to couples and know exactly what they are going through. I understand the depression, anxiety, and ugly path that infertility has to offer. But I can look and see that God is using this horrific experience of infertility for good. It has changed my relationship with Him - It has brought me closer to Him. I came to the end of my rope and I realize that I need Him. 

 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God turned it into good.

Conversation With God

I have been so thrilled since finding out on last Wednesday that I was "positive" and words cannot even describe my excitement. It is surreal. But there has been this nagging voice inside my head saying "Don't celebrate too early. Wait until your blood draw results on Friday to really make sure that you are pregnant." And I sadly have to admit that I have been containing my excitement, saving it for when I am completely assured that my hCG levels are rising. I think I am guarding myself against disappointment.

I was on my way to NewLife on Friday morning to get my blood drawn again to make sure my hCG levels are rising and that I am indeed pregnant. My mind was nowhere really, it was early and I was still waking up. 

And then, I clearly heard God say "Why are you hesitating to worship me for this (pregnancy)?"

I was caught off guard. I thought, and replied, "I just want to make sure. After this blood draw result, then I can."

God said, "Worship me for who I AM. Rejoice for what I have given you." 

Talk about a smack in the face to wake me up. I don't need reassurance from the tests, doctors, or myself. My hope comes from Him, and no matter what, I worship, praise, and rejoice in Him.

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my impenetrable shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him.
Psalm 29:2 Give to the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the beauty of His holiness.
Psalm 33:2-3 Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre; sing praises to Him with the harp of ten strings. Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully with a loud and joyful sound.
Psalm 36:5-7 You mercy and loving kindness, O Lord, extend to the skies, and Your faithfulness to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mountains of God, Your judgements are like the great deep. O Lord, you preserve man and beast. How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.

Who I Am

I am a daughter of the King.

I am a child of God.

I am a co-heir with Christ.

I am a wife.

I am a daughter.

I am a grand-daughter.

I am a sister.

I am an aunt.

I am a friend.

I am a worshipper. 

I am a teacher.

I am a musician.

This is who I am. I am proud to be all of the above and to have all of these roles in life. God has blessed me richly!

Oh wait, there's one more! I almost forgot!

I am...

A mommy!!!

After infertility diagnoses, consultations with my Reproductive Endocrinologist, countless visits to the fertility clinic, and several fertility treatments, I am pregnant!

It truly is a miracle. God is the Healer.


(SHHHH we aren't telling ANYONE for several weeks)

Idols

Our Pastor started a new sermon series last week. He kicked it off by speaking about idols in our lives. Since hearing the message, it has constantly been on my mind.

Pastor defined an idol as anything we seek to give us what only God can give us. 

Exodus 2:4 says "You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath of in the waters below." 

As I sat in church and processed all of this, I realized that my idol has been the pursuit of pregnancy. I pray every day for it to happen, ask God for strength and guidance, read my Bible, and all the while, I have been chasing after what God can do. I know He can give us babies, I know He is the healer, I know He is the miracle worker. And I have been hanging on to that - knowing He can do it, but yet He doesn't. My confidence needs to come from the LORD, not from what the Lord can do.

We all have idols in our lives. Ask yourselves these questions:

If I had ______ then I would be truly happy?

If I lost ______ then I would be in despair?

I'm controlled by _______?

I sacrifice for ________?

My answers were: if I had a baby, then I would be truly happy. If I lost any chance of conceiving, then I would be in despair. I'm controlled by efforts to get pregnant. I sacrifice for my fertility. 

How could the pursuit of something so miraculous and beautiful become an idol? It is often the things that we think are good that become idols. 

Jeremiah 17:12

This is what the LORD says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will  dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no on lives. But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Fear

For the past several months, I have been living in fear and worry. I fear that I will not have a good job in the future. I fear the loss of the ones I love. I fear letting go. I fear that I will never fully trust Him. I fear that I will lose my identity as a child of God. I fear people's judgement. And right now, my biggest fear is that we will never have biological children.

Michael and I talked the other night about how we both are feeling and dealing with infertility. Michael is so strong and confident, and he said that life is never easy. He also said that he fully trusts God in all of this and that he fully believes that God will give us children. As I sat there listening, I thought "I wish I could say in confidence that God will give us children, but I just don't know. " And then Michael said "and if He doesn't, we will still have kids." I admire and love him so much for his faith and unwavering confidence in Christ, but I have not been able to come to that place of confidence that he has. Every day, I question everything. I battle my fear of not having my own children, and I ultimately battle the fear of God's plan for us. I know that sounds terrible, but think this way...what if God's plan for us does not include children? That is the question that I struggle with every day. I know God's plan is the best plan, and that everything in His plan is ordained and holy. But this fear of children not included in His plan is painful and crippling. 

I searched "fear" at biblegateway.com and page after page of verses came up. Here are some about not fearing.

Psalm 3:6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil. For You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 112:17 They will have no fear of bad news, their hearts are steadfast, trusting the Lord.

Isaiah 43:1 Do not fear for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. 

Then I read these verses:

Psalm 31:19 How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear You.

Psalm 33:18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, who hope in His unfailing love. 

Psalm128:1 Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to Him.

Psalm 145:19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.

What if I turned all of my fears and worry into the holy fear of God? Meaning, instead of accomplishing nothing by worrying, I trust and put my hope in God, knowing that His plan is pure and the best thing for me. 

I truly believe that this is a daily process for me. Laying down my fears and in turn fearing God by completely trusting and finding hope in Him. Some days I let my fears get the best of me. But I must, I have to, I have no other choice but to trust in Him. And when I do trust Him, all of my other fears will be calmed and laid to rest.