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God, if you are a God of love, then You need to show me, because I certainly don't feel it at all right now. How is allowing a tragic accident to take a man's life love? How is an incredible, godly woman becoming a widow twice love? How is allowing my BFF Christy to go through 4 miscarriages love? How is allowing my BFF Jessica and her hubby to go through infertility love? And how is allowing Michael and I to go through infertility love? If all of these things are in Your ultimate plan, what good purpose could they serve? You could've stopped the tree from falling on Jim. You could've healed Christy's babies. You could breathe life into Jessica's womb. And you could breathe life into mine. But You chose not to - how is that love? It just doesn't make sense. 

Happy Anniversary!!!

Happy six year anniversary to us!!! We celebrated by going to The Fish House here in Pensacola. It was drizzly, so we couldn't eat out on the patio. It reminded us of the drizzles on our wedding day!

We started out with the volcano roll...and yes, it was awesome. We love sushi!

Main course! I had the mahi mahi with garlic whipped potatoes and cheese grits. I normally don't like grits, but I was told that these are the best in the area. And I am doing my best to be a southern girl! I actually really enjoyed them! Michael had the filet mignon....I'm drooling just looking at these pictures!

He is such a cutie!

I love my hubby!!!

This dessert was phenomenal - triple chocolate cheesecake with oreo cookie crust. We had no problem eating it all. :)

Has it really been six years???

And we ended dinner with the best dessert ever - each other! :)

Surrender

Things are changing. I can feel it everywhere, in my church, in my relationships, in my hubby, in my family, in our worship team, in my innermost being. God is moving in an incredible way that I have never seen before. God is tearing everything down - He is doing something radical. And I am honored, and to be honest, scared, to be a part of it.


The theme of surrender has been popping up in my life non-stop lately. First, I attended the Jesus Culture Conference in Atlanta. It was life changing. I went with my two best friends, and it was incredible to be able to share that experience with them. The worship was some of the most intimate worship time with God that I have ever experienced. I asked for the anointing of the Holy Spirit and a love encounter with God, and I definitely got it. Many breakthroughs for me were made at the conference. Opening night, the speaker's topic was complete surrender. He spoke on it again the next morning. It was an amazing message looking at putting our entire lives and everything in it on the altar for God to come consume and burn. I was convicted of the many times that I give God a certain situation or a certain thing, but I hang on to other areas in my life. After the conference, I wrote this in my journal about surrender:
"I want to surrender. I know I need to surrender. But God, can I just hang onto my crap for a little longer?"

The next nudging of surrender came when we arrived home from the conference. As I was playing keys one Sunday morning, Amick was moved by the Spirit to address surrender and how so many of us just need to completely surrender. Once again, I was convicted. 


The theme of surrender came to me in many songs. After the conference, I downloaded a Misty Edwards album, and the very first song that I heard was called "Finally I Surrender." Talk about another smack in the face from God. I love how the song says "FINALLY I surrender." I have heard countless times to "just surrender, give everything to God!" They make it sound so easy - to me it sounds like a daunting task. I have come to the realization that you don't just surrender a situation or areas in life once. It is a daily decision to surrender. Every morning, when my feet hit the floor, I must surrender my desire and longing for a baby. Every afternoon, I must surrender my life's plans and my relationships. Every evening, I must surrender the areas in my life that I put in place of Christ. 

Then Amick preached one Sunday. He did amazing, and I see God's anointing in His life - I am honored to call him a brother in Christ. So, guess what he preached on? You guessed it, total surrender. At that point, I said "Okay, God. I hear You now. You want me to surrender." Well, duh!!! 

I have been worshipping God. I have been praising Him. But all the while, I have been worshipping Him with my hands clenched and closed. I need to pry off the hardness and resentment and open my hands to God, held high and reaching out to Him. It is okay to worship and praise Him out of my pain, but honestly, God should be worshipped because He is worthy, not because I need to feel Him or because I really want something or because I'm hurting. God deserves our worship simply because He is the Great I AM - that's it. 

I recently saw a video showing Kim Walker give a message on a lifestlye of worship. She touched on many areas of worship, but the part that hit me between the eyes was when she talked about the offended heart. This is the offended heart - when we say "God, You haven't given me what I think I want or what I think I need, so I am going to withhold my true worship from You." Wow. I have had an offended heart. I want a baby so bad that I have begun to resent God for not giving it to me. I resent the fact that my husband and I are considered an infertility case. And that has affected my worship. My worship has consisted of crying out to God, asking "why?" and "heal us." But my worship needs to praise God for who He is. I am clinging to the promise that He makes all things work together for my good. 

So I need to surrender every area of my life every day. This is not a one time prayer of surrender. This is a life of surrender. 

Once we step in to surrender, God can come in and move. And I am expecting Him to move in ways that I have never seen or felt before. I am expecting to grow and really see God and to understand Him - to understand what my identity in Christ really means, to feel truly loved by Him, to commune with the Holy Spirit and know His voice. I am claiming the promises over my life that have already been given to me, in Jesus' name! 

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane

I am a tree - bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us so. Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us so

So He is our portion and we are His prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves. 

And the Next Step Is?

I am a planner. And I like to be in control of any and every situation. I also find great satisfaction when I do something myself or get something done, or do everything in my power to accomplish something. Throughout my week, I find myself thinking "Just let me do it!" This happens at work, home, when I am at the cash register, and even at church. Knowing that I can do something well and watching someone struggle with it drives me crazy. So, I often think "Just let me do it!"

I've found myself thinking "Just let me do it!" in our efforts to have a baby. I have read all the books on infertility and trying to get pregnant, I have followed all the expert's (and non-expert's) advice, I have followed my doctor's orders, I am taking my vitamins, and I have researched online like crazy. We have done EVERYTHING right in trying to get pregnant. I have done everything in my power to get pregnant. But it's almost a year into it, and we still aren't pregnant.

When we received Michael's diagnosis on top of my diagnosis, Dr. S referred us to a fertility specialist. Everything within me wanted to immediately make the appointment (once again, do everything in my power to get pregnant). But, I have never been able to pick up the phone and make the appointment. And I honestly had no idea what's stopping me. But I then realized - where have I factored God into this situation? Yes, I pray every day, every hour, that God will bless us with a child. I ask for His ultimate will and desire for our lives. But, I believe in a God who heals, and He still heals today! The Jesus of the New Testament is alive and well today!!! So yes, God can heal us. He can heal my body, and He can heal my husband's body. So I am claiming healing over us in Jesus' name! No doctor has that ability. No matter what the doctor says or what he tells us we need to do, the doctor cannot heal us - only God can. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not ruling out medical expertise. I believe that God gives doctors wisdom, medical knowledge, and discernment to treat patients, and I value what doctor's say.

So, Michael and I have decided to set aside the next two months to fervently pray and seek God in our situation. We are going to wait to go to the fertility specialist until we clearly hear from God that that is our next step in our journey to parenthood. God may tell us to pursue the specialists. Or He may tell us not to. I just know that whatever He tells us will be what we do.

Over the next eight weeks, we are still going to be "trying", but we are not going to put pressure on ourselves in any way - including the timing of my cycle. I am going to go off all medications and give my body a breather.

I am anticipating to hear God speak and move in a great way in our lives, and not just in the area of trying to conceive. I am praying that God will draw us closer as a couple. I am praying that I fully surrender this situation (which to me seems so difficult and daunting). I am committing to being immersed daily in His word. I am praying that I draw nearer to God in this time, and that I fully feel His love and His presence in my life. I am praying that God will clearly speak to us, and that I am in tune to His voice.

Please pray with us.

XOXO

Little Did We Know...

 I can't believe we are entering a new school year. This past year has just flown by. At this time last year, two of our friends were in their last trimester of their pregnancies. November rolled around, and both babies came within 24 hours of each other. Michael and I went up to the hospital to visit  - it was so incredible to once again witness one of life's greatest miracles. I was so thankful to spend some sweet moments cuddling with new baby Benjamin. A few days later, Michael and I decided to have a date night. I remember every detail about our night - the restaurant, where we sat, what we ate, our conversation. That night became very important to us, because that night, we decided we were ready to start our own family. I remember asking Michael, as I have in the past, if he wanted to have a baby. I expected his normal response of "someday," but that night, he answered "maybe." I was shocked. I asked again, "really?" And he answered with a definite yes! As we talked about it, we realized that God had been revealing to us individually that we were ready. I had started to feel that desire in my heart, and that desire grew daily. And my husband was having that same desire! I remember thanking God for revealing that to both of us at the same time. After dinner, we even stopped at the store and bought the book "What To Expect Before Your Expecting." And, I stopped birth control immediately and made my first appointment with my new OB/GYN, Dr. S.

I was so excited. I started dreaming about our future babies, what they would look like, how exciting a pregnancy would be. My appointment with Dr. S went great. I absolutely loved him. He was very confident that I would be pregnant within three months. This was great news for us! We seemed like the healthiest, most perfect couple to be able to conceive quickly.

Little did we know....

The three months passed. My cycle was so irregular, with no sign of ovulation and no period. This concerned Dr. S, so he ran some tests, and found that my hormone levels were not where they should be. Basically, my ovaries were not releasing an egg. So the fertility treatments began. At this point, I didn't feel like I was dealing with infertility. I was confident that my body had to just hormonally adjust after going off of the pill. And the fertility drugs would aid in that. So, being the planner that I am, I researched clomid like crazy, and found it to be one of the most successful fertility drugs with a high percentage of success!

Again, little did we know...

I did three cycles on clomid. It was successful in the sense that I was ovulating and I was getting a period. But I was not getting pregnant. And then on the third cycle of treatments, ovulation never occurred and I once again did not have a period. So I would do a fourth round on a very high dose - my last cycle on clomid, for now. My body needs a break. The side effects, physical and emotional, have been exhausting. We then decided to have Michael tested. I just wanted to either rule him out of the situation, or rule him in. The analysis was a simple, easy test. I had full confidence and reassurance in my own spirit that the results would come back completely normal.

Once again, little did we know...

I remember getting the phone call. It was from Dr. S's personal line. The minute I answered the phone, I knew that something was wrong. The tone of his voice said it all. My head was spinning as I listened to Dr. S explain that Michael's sperm motility is abnormal, that they aren't swimming like they should, and that this would cause difficulty in the sperm reaching the egg. He said that at this point, our case is out of his hands and he was referring us to a fertility specialist. I never imagined in a million years that both my husband and I would each have fertility issues. I researched "poor sperm motility" like crazy. And I didn't find much. There aren't a whole lot of treatments available. Basically, the sources said that the male should take a vitamin and eat healthier. Many who deal with this issue turn to IUI or IVF. And there are those who do end up getting pregnant on their own. So there is definite hope, but I still felt utterly hopeless, defeated and crushed. Telling hubby was one of the worst things I have ever had to do. I in no way wanted him to feel that I was upset with him, or that I resented him because of it. He had no reason to apologize or say "sorry." It is out of our hands. The weeks that have followed have been difficult, to say the least. I have been struggling with feeling angry at God, for allowing this to happen to us. I have been angry at the fact that so many drunk teenagers can get pregnant from a one night stand and then end the pregnancy. I even have had feelings of anger when I saw a random pregnant woman. But I can no longer be angry. I felt like I had the right to be angry. But I cannot live like this - it will consume me and turn me into a bitter person. So, I have to choose to praise God, no matter what. And believe me, I have to purposely make the choice every day to praise God despite the circumstances.

I never thought that we would be struggling with this issue. This is the way it is supposed to work - you get married, enjoy just each other for a while, and when you decide to have children, you have children. It shouldn't have to be this difficult. Countless couples decide to have children, and boom! - they are pregnant. Through all of this, I have found such a great understanding of those of us who struggle with infertility. And believe me, you have no idea what it is like unless you walk in the shoes of a couple dealing with infertility or someone who has lost a baby.

We are now in our 9th month of "trying."

So, we are praying.

XOXO

Six Years!!!

I was looking at the calendar today, and I realized that August 28 is only two weeks away! Hubby and I will be celebrating our six year anniversary. I cannot believe it has been six years. The time has gone by so fast. It doesn't feel that long ago....

It seems like just yesterday I was in high school. I played keys in the youth band, and along came Michael. He was a youth leader and played guitar in the band. Our eyes would meet as we played and led worship, and for weeks I thought that he would never be interested in me. He was seven years older than me and I was still in high school! But, he was interested. After I graduated, we dated. And I just knew. I knew on our first date! I remember thinking "I'm going to marry this man." And two months later, we were engaged. Seven months later, married. He was my first date, my first kiss - my one true only. He was sent from heaven.

I love my husband dearly. As I've stated before, he keeps me grounded. We have grown and changed a lot over the past six years, but we have changed for the better. He has made me a better person. So here's to many more years together, and may God continue to bless us!

XOXO!!!

Random Things

So, I have finally decided to start this blogging adventure. I have always loved reading my friends' blogs, so I was inspired! So, I figured a good first post would be some random things about  me:

1. My middle name is Jo. I think it is so cute.

2. I love lip gloss and chapstick. When I was younger, I had a Lip Smackers wall in my room. Although I don't have lip smackers any more, I have a huge collection of various balms, glosses, and chappies.

3. My favorite color is blue. Most of the tops that I wear are some shade of blue.

4. I am a very social person - a people person! I love being around people. But, I only have a couple close friends. And my mom is one of them.

5. Music is my passion. Enough said.

6. I have finally come to terms with an issue that I have. I am a shopaholic. Now that I've admitted it and have surrendered our finances to God, I am a recovering shopaholic.

7. I love Jesus. I am feeling a stirring in my heart about great things that are happening in my personal relationship with him. After all these years doing "church" because it's just what we do as good born-again believers, I am ready for more. I am beginning to understand what God is really all about. It took about 20 years to get here. I don't want to waste another day being a lazy Christian. More to come on that topic...

8. I love kids. And I think they love me. I'm not sure why, but kids just seem drawn to me. I've had many encounters with kids in public that I don't even know, but they still approach me and ask me to tie their shoes or tell me about their favorite toy.

9. My husband keeps me grounded. I am a free spirit.

10. People still mistake me for a high-schooler.

11. Just in the past months, God has brought two amazing women into my life. We have grown so close in such a short time, and I have never had such closer friends before. They mean more to me than they will ever know. We are walking through our trials together, bearing each other's burdens. I love them dearly.

12. I dream in song. I usually wake up hearing a song in my head....sometimes its a worship song, sometimes its classic rock! You never know!

13. I love to eat. I am not a picky eater at all. But I really don't enjoy eating junk food...wait, except fruit roll ups and puffy cheetos.

14. One of my most recent "guilty" pleasures is Twilight. The books were awesome and I love the movies. I know, I know. I am in my 20s, but it is so good!

15. I LOVE pictures! It drives hubby crazy...I am always pulling out my camera.

16. I am in love with a sweet, sweet little boy named Isaak. He is my best friend's child. He brightens my day and makes me smile every time I see him. He even has a special name for me - Zah Zoo. He has me wrapped around his little two year old finger.

17. I grew up in the north. But I have realized that I am a southern girl at heart. Florida has become my favorite place - I love the beaches, the people, and of course the weather. No, I do not miss snow. At all. It always made me crabby anyways.

18. I struggle with weight. No, I don't have an eating disorder. I just have a hard time keeping weight on.  No matter what I eat or how much, my high metabolism just keeps me so thin. People probably roll their eyes at reading that, thinking I should be grateful. But, being underweight is just as unhealthy as being overweight.

19. I can sleep like no other! I can easily sleep a 12 hour night, anywhere. But, I am not a morning person. It takes me about 2 hours to really wake up.

20. I love Chick-fil-A. I could eat it every day. Really, I could. I daily crave a sweet tea and a chick fil a sandwich with extra pickes. Mmmmmm.....

21. I love ducks. I really want one. I love all animals, really. When I was a little girl, my dad always told me that I should've been Noah's wife. :)

XOXO!!!