I Did It

I did it.

I submitted my resignation letter.

As of June 5 2012, I will be a full time stay at home mommy.

It is a relief, feels like I can breathe, like a weight is lifted.

My husband and I have spent much time weighing both sides, and really seeing what is best for us. And the reasons to stay home outweighed to reasons to keep working for the school district.

Little reasons, like...

           It's a 45 minute drive to work.

           I don't feel safe in the community where work is.

           What about childcare? I have a great friend who does it now, but that's not long term.

            Daycare is expensive.

           I feel more like I'm babysitting that teaching.

           Music in the public schools is slowly dying, on it's way out...

And then the biggest reason of all...

          I want to have no regrets. 

          I need to be home with her.

          She is worth it.

It will be a financial adjustment, but we can do it. I am committed to stop my ridiculous spending habits, (more on that to come later...) because she is worth it.

In these early years, early months, I don't want to be away from her. I feel like I'm missing too much. 

As she grows and becomes of school age, I would love to go back to teaching! 

This decision is for me, and for me alone. God has led me in this decision. I am not going to sit here and preach that every mommy needs to stay home with their children - because that is a lie. God leads each and every one of us differently, and He leads us in different decisions and different lifestyles. And He has His divine reasons for it. So staying home with Evelyn is best for me and is where God is leading, but it may not be best for you and it may not be where God wants you to be.

And those of you who do work outside of the home, I am proud of you. I applaud you. It is a task that is certainly not easy or for the faint of heart. Not everyone can do it or is meant to do it.

So here's to a new adventure! Six weeks left of the school year!!!

I Would Rather Be...

I so needed to hear this...

"I would rather be what God chose to make me

than the most glorious creature that I could think of;

for to have been thought about, born in God's thought,

and then made by God,

is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking."

-George MacDonald

Blessings!

So Many Firsts...

(So, I had this all typed up, with all of the pictures. I posted it, and then I accidentally deleted it. Grr....So I will do my best to remember what I wrote about.)

Evelyn has been growing so much lately.  I't's amazing watching her grow, change, and develop.

She is now 5 months old, and the other day, she rolled from her back to her belly! It is quite the feat for a baby - it's hard work rolling that little body over! So now she is rolling and rolling like crazy. She is definitely more mobile! She still hasn't been able to sit up on her own. Every time I try to get her to practice it, she pushes up on her legs and only wants to stand!

Evelyn is grabbing at everything! My hair, Daddy's beard, Ginger's ears. She loves grabbing her little giraffe and her paci. She picks up her paci, puts it in her mouth, and chews on it!

The other day, I noticed that her poor little ankles were all scratched up. I couldn't figured out why until I watched her grab her ankles and feet when she is laying on the floor. She loves playing with and holding her feet, so she scratches them accidentally. I guess if it hurt she would stop. 

She is still sleeping through the night, which is absolutely wonderful. We had to stop swaddling her because she would roll over onto her tummy and then not be able to roll back over because her arms were swaddled in. It was a bit scary to wake up to her screaming face down, so we decided to try and stop swaddling, and she did great! 

Michael and I decided that we wanted to instill in her at an early age that dinner time is family time, and that we all sit together. So, we've been putting her in her high chair at the table with us with some toys to play with as we eat. I think she's got it figured out - she watches us eat and opens her mouth and "begs." I think she is definitely ready to start eating food. We are going to wait until her 6 month check up, so her doctor can instruct us in what to do. I don't want to give up breastfeeding yet, I love it. 

Evelyn sure is talking a lot more, too! She loves looking at pictures, and she even talks to Ellen on TV. It's pretty darn cute. And, she is finally taking longer and more consistent naps throughout the day.

As for me, I can honestly say that I am feeling physically better. I never realized that it could take 6 months post-partum for me to start feeling better. I know my hormones have been crazy because of being pregnant and giving birth, but I was getting tired of feeling exhausted and dizzy all of the time. I was even feeling anxious and overwhelmed at times, but that has lessened, thank God. And here is something HUGE HUGE HUGE - I got my period, naturally. For those of you who have been following our story from the beginning, you know how amazingly huge this is. I have not had a natural period, one on my own, for 11 years. It was a major cause of my infertility. So perhaps this period means that my body may get a cycle! 

It is a little glimmer of hope...

We've been enjoying so many firsts together! Enjoy the pictures, get ready for mega adorable-ness and cuteness!!!

We love going for family walks, and now Evelyn goes big-girl style! She loves being able to see everything....and sometimes fall asleep.

 We took Evelyn to the beach for the first time!! She loved the feel of the sand, but thought it was for eating!

The water was a little chilly, and she didn't appreciate a big wave splashing up on her.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

There is a beautiful park near our house, so we took her to see if she would like it. She loved it!

Stylin' in our shades

Ready to go down the slide!

Lovin' the swings

Swinging with Daddy

Happy Easter!

My loves...

Our first Easter as a family of three...

A Season of Rest

Rest.

Stillness.

Quiet.

Words that God has been speaking to me. I wrote previously about my land inbetween, and this is definitely a major part of it. I am in this new season, one that I've never experienced before.  And I am having a difficult time understanding and knowing what rest really means. I definitely understand physical rest, and I do that well. I can easily sit and watch my favorite show on Netflix, take a nap, read a book, spend time on my iPad. But God is leading me to rest - spiritually, mentally. To breathe in, breathe out, and rest in Him. But because I've been so busy doing this and that for so long, I really don't know what rest really is, what it should look like, and what it should be. I just know that He is teaching, He is leading in at all.

God led me to step down from leading worship and being involved and serving, and now I am standing here asking "now what?" And His answer is "Rest. Be still. Be quiet."

I'm having a really hard time with feeling insignificant. I day in and day out take care of a most precious gift, but I feel as if at some point, I've lost my dream. I couldn't even tell you a dream that I have or a calling that I feel has been placed over my life. I ask "What is my purpose?" and again I hear "Rest. Be still. Be quiet."

After a conversation with my dear friend and a conversation with my hubby, God has shown me that I cannot not rely on any one person, one church, one friend, one worship leader, to be my connection to Christ. No matter how great the pastor, how intimate the worship, how excellent the service, how beautiful the conversation - I have access to a direct relationship with Him. And I need to work on that. I can have those intense worship moments in my car, in my living room, just me and Him. I cannot rely on anyone else to do it for me.

As I grapple and struggle with all of these things, I receive confirmation after confirmation, and I hear God telling me to rest in Him. And He speaks rest through other daily things - a text with a verse from a friend, a blog post, a Jesus Calling devotion, a conversation with a worship leader.

And I know that as He teaches me how to rest, He will give me renewed dreams and callings. He will give me significance. He will fill me up. I will have direct relationship with Him. He will...

I do not know how long this time of rest will last, but I do know that it is going to be huge thing for me, and I am claiming that it is life-changing.

So it's time to dig deep in this season of rest, to pray that it is fruitful, to seek Him directly, to let Him work...

"...In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." Isaiah 30:15

Sacrificial Giving

You know those people in your life that happily give? They love to wrap up presents, give gifts when it's not even a special occasion. They love to pay for lunch, give a few dollars to the bum on the side of the road. They give without strings attached. They give to the church with a smile on their face. It is one of their spiritual gifts, love languages, to be a giver.

I'm not a giver in that sense. I will cheerfully give my time, but I have a hard time giving material things or money.

I'm trying to develop that form of giving in my life.

Tithing has always been a challenge for me. I will faithfully give that ten percent, but most times, I do not give cheerfully. I pray that God uses the money in a great way, and I know He does. It's just really hard at times to drop that money in the bucket with a smile on my face. I'm working on it...

I'm trying to be an "intentional giver," picking up the lunch bill, giving gifts, etc.

Recently I heard God's voice very clearly about giving away an item to an incredible ministry that I have recently been blessed by. God spoke it to me, and I said "oh, I'll pray about it to make sure He really wants me to give that away." So I waited a week. I honestly did not pray about it at all. I just wanted to "wait a week" to hopefully forget about it, and hope that God would, too. Then again, on a Sunday night, God told me that I needed to give it away. So I approached the person and offered it to him, and discovered that they really need this item.

What is it?

My precious keyboard.

For those of you who know me, you know what I am talking about. It is my Roland RD-700 stage grand keyboard, with all of the bells and whistles (it's the one Michael W. Smith plays at his concerts.) I purchased it (well, financed it) years ago. I faithfully made the payments and paid it off. I used that keyboard to lead worship in Wisconsin and Florida, week in and week out. It was my baby, my musical workhorse. For those of you with nice music equipment, you understand. I had become so attached to it, it has such sentimental value! It has been my faithful music companion.

After I had committed to giving it to this ministry, I have struggled with wanting to "keep" it, wanting to go back on my word, tell them, "oops, I didn't mean to give that away!" I've even thought about just selling it to make some quick cash.

But I know that I am meant to give the keyboard. God has called me to do it. And I am committed to giving it.

I think I understand the meaning of sacrificial giving now. To me, it feels like I am really sacrificing to part with this beautiful instrument. But I am listening to God. He knows what He is doing. I trust that this is just another way that He is continually working in my life, to mold me, shape me, into what He wants me to be. He fills me up, so He can pour me out.

Please hear me out and understand that I am not blogging about this to pat myself on the back. I just want to share how God is moving in my life, and perhaps encourage you in your walk. I think we all can learn to become better at giving - sacrificially, intentionally, and cheerfully.

I said goodbye to my keyboard on Sunday. I wanted to show the new owners how it all worked and tell them all about it, but I just let it go. And I can honestly say that it was difficult, but when I heard it being played, I smiled. It can now be played by people who have wanted to lead worship but did not have an instrument. It can now be used to lead people into worship, to change lives! It is going to a ministry that has been HUGE, a blessing, incredible, instrumental in my life. If it can be used to be huge in someone else's life, then it is worth it.