I Can Do This!

You've probably noticed my new button to the side, the "I can do this" one. I got it from my dear friend's blog. She had the fabulous idea to have her hubby design a button to remind her of her 2011 goals. I love it, so, I'm using it too! My "I can do this" is...

• read through the Bible in one year
• be consistent in my daily time with God - reading and prayer
• get healthy! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
• win in my battle of my mind - no more negative thoughts
• love my husband. Of course, I love my husband and I'm madly in love with him and my love grows for him every day, but I'm talking about sacrificial love and loving him like Christ loves us. Some days I'm just plain selfish...
• know my identity in Christ, and who that makes me.
• the infamous 5K! Yes, I registered for the 5K in February. I probably will power walk most of it, since training for the run would require actual running, which would cause me to lose weight. And weight loss is not my goal. But, I am excited to do it, especially with a couple of dear friends. We are all walking/running for various reasons, and it will be exciting to do it together. 

So there you have it. I CAN DO THIS!!!

Identity?

Lately, my mind has been battling with questioning who I am, why I am here, and who God really is. I found myself thinking, "If all we do is live and die, what is the point? Why not just be in Heaven with God now?" What does God have for me? What does it mean for my identity to be in Christ? Honestly, some of these thoughts and questions have scared me. For years, I have acted like I know the answers to all of these questions, at least I know the "right" and "taught" answers. But have I found the answers for myself? Have I allowed God to reveal to me my purpose and identity in Him? I don't think so. For so long, I have been acting like I have it all together, but a major trial has come, revealing my true self. And I don't like what I see. It's scary. Through all of this, I have discovered, for myself and without someone telling or teaching me, that I need God. I really need God. I can't do it without Him.

I know I am a child of God, but I am discovering what that actually means. I am learning about my inheritance in Christ, about what I have already been given. And I am trying to look at the Bible in a new and fresh way. I have been raised memorizing Scripture, knowing the stories, and I am afraid that that is what they have become - stories. The Bible is real, living, and truth. The Bible doesn't tell just mere stories about abnormal people, these are accounts of what happened to normal, simple people, just like me. I am asking God to reveal these stories to me in a new and fresh way, with a perspective that doesn't say "Oh, I've heard this story before. I know what happens." That is complacency, and I have been guilty of it for too long.

I recently read a teaching out of my new devotional "Longing for a Child" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I would highly recommend it to anyone dealing with infertility. This teaching was called "Stolen Identity." Here's an excerpt of what she said,

"As a victim of life's circumstances, you may feel as if a part of who you hoped to become - in a sense, your identity, has been taken. Even though you may cry out, seek help, and try to make the most of your life, at times you may feel incomplete, as if the thief has ransacked your life."

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I had woven that into my identity of who I was going to be. So yes, I do feel like a major part of my identity has been stolen. I was to be daughter (which I am), wife (which I also am) and mother. I feel like my anticipated role as a parent has been snatched out from under me. I wonder if I have become so obsessed with becoming a mother that I have lost track of my identity. I was reminded by my devotional that I am - 

1. A child of God...1 John 3:1
2. A member of the body of Christ...1 Cor. 12:27
3. A carefully crafted creation of God in Christ...Eph. 2:10
4. The bride of Christ...Rev. 19:7
5. A letter from Christ...2 Cor. 3:3

Now I am just scratching the surface as to what all of that really means for me, and what it means for my identity to be in Christ. I am asking God to reveal to me what my identity is and means, and what my purpose is. I know this won't happen overnight, but I am expecting God to reveal these things. I know He desires only good for me. And I know that He loves me. 

Happy Christmas...

Christmas, SDFA, Ensure, and expectation...

Well, hello blog. I haven't written in two weeks. I had a goal that I would blog at least once a week, but December has taken its toll. Things have been going non-stop, with teaching, meetings at church, leading worship, and making time for family and friends. I am looking forward to Christmas break - I get two whole weeks off! We will be up north in WI/IA for most of those two weeks, so I'm not really considering it a "break." But, I am making sure that we come home before my break is completely up so we can have some relaxing days at home before back to work.

Like I said, there have been so many things going on. Here is just a glimpse...

• Work has been crazy! The kids get all geared up for Christmas, and I suppose I encourage it with my entire lesson plans being centered around Christmas music. They love it, but I need a break.
• I came down with a cold over the weekend that has now manifested itself into a full-blown cold, so that is making me tired. I am claiming healing!
• I finished all of my fertility testing with my RE at NewLIFE. It is a relief. I felt like I just should've camped out there...I had four ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and the HSG procedure. We did Michael's SDFA test, which stands for Sperm DNA Fragmentation Assay. Basically, it looks at the DNA of the sperm, to make sure everything is genetically ok. And it also tells you if you are a candidate for the various forms of ART (assisted reproductive technology, for example, IVF or IUI). We got the results today, and everything came back normal! Which is great news for us. We now know that the sperm's DNA is fine and that if needed, we can proceed with ART. The motility is still considered low or abnormal, but at least we know that genetically, everything is okay. Now we just wait for early January to come so we can sit down with the RE to discuss our treatment plan and options.
• I am loving Joyce Meyer's teachings! I listen to her podcast every day, and I have been getting so much out of it. I feel like she is speaking right to me, especially since her topics have included "God our Peace, God our Healer, What do You Want Out Of Life?, This is Just a Test." I highly recommend that you look her up.
• I have been at a spiritual crossroads. I got to a point where I felt that I had to either dive in and choose God, or walk away completely. Let me tell you, I have been in a battle between my flesh and my spirit. My flesh has told me to walk away, and has left me questioning life and purpose. But I know that that is not what I must do. I must choose God. So I am making a daily choice for God. I am digging into the Bible, I am praying, I am claiming His promises over my life. There are times where I really don't want to, but I know I must. I think God rewards persistence, and if you force yourself, soon your heart and spirit will follow. Whew! Heavy, I know. 
• I just started reading "Hannah's Hope," a book on infertility from a Christian perspective. I am only through chapter two, and I must say "wow!" This book verbalizes the things that I have been feeling and going through in a way that I could never have put to words. It reassures me that I am not alone in this journey, I am not going crazy, and what I am feeling as I go through this is "normal."
• I love Christmas, but this year is going to be more challenging. Last Christmas, I was convinced that we would be celebrating "baby's first Christmas" this year. My two brothers both had their first children this past year, and one is already preggers with their second. I am excited to see them, it is just bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for them and love them dearly. It's just hard when I am at the place I am in right now. And, this will be the first year without Michael's stepfather...
• I started drinking Ensure. Haha, don't laugh at me. I just have been so nauseated that I haven't been eating very much, which has caused me to lose weight. I realized the other day that although my nausea is likely caused by the hormones and meds, that some of it may be caused by what's called "grief nausea." This makes sense to me now. Going through infertility is like going through a grief process. 
• I am waiting on the Lord. Not passively! Waiting means expecting! I am expecting God to move in my life. Every day, I say things similar to this out loud- "God, I am expecting You to heal my body. I am expecting You to reveal Yourself to me. I am expecting You to do great things in my life. I am expecting You to move like never before. I am expecting You to comfort. I am expecting You to heal my mind. I am expecting to see You like never before!!!" What a way to go through the day, in expectation of God's promises, instead of just passively "waiting on God." 

Merry Christmas...

Hysterosalpingogram

It's such a long and fancy medical term - I don't think I can even pronounce it. So let's go by the abbreviation, HSG.

Today I went to Sacred Heart Hospital to get a HSG done. I was pretty nervous about it, because I had done some research on it, and they all said that it was pretty uncomfortable. I checked in and was given some paperwork and then sat and waited to be admitted. As I was looking through the paper work, I saw the order for the procedure that my RE sent to the hospital. On it was some basic information, my name, date of birth, and then there was a slot labeled "diagnosis." It said "unexplained infertility." Those words hit me like a brick. I know and have known for a while that we are dealing with infertility, but the whole term with "unexplained" written on paper just made it so final for me. So I sat and cried. I broke. In a hospital waiting room. I honestly didn't care what other people saw or what they were thinking. I took out my phone and meditated on Psalm 91...

My name was called by a very nice nurse, and she prepped me for the procedure. She was a God-send for me. She wanted to know about me and my TTC journey so far, and she was genuinely interested. She told me about her sister going through a similar thing, and that she ended up preggers (via IVF) with twins. Those stories always give me hope. To know that I am not the only one in this, and that many others have successfully had babies.

The doctor came in and started the procedure. He inserted a catheter into my cervix, inflated a balloon inside, and administered the dye. It sounds painful, and yes, it was. Thank God it was short. I was able to watch the scan that they were doing, and I watched the dye fill my uterus and then flow freely through my right fallopian tube and into my ovary. That was very good news - my right was clear! The dye flowed into my left fallopian tube, but would not flow into my ovary. The doctor increased the amount of dye, and then finally, the dye flowed through the tube into my left ovary. The doctor told me that I probably had a blockage in my left, but that the dye cleaned it all out, and everything is flowing the way it should. This happens to many women who have this procedure done - it clears out the blockage and several get pregnant after the HSG.

So, it was good news in a sense. We can rule out any blockage. Now we just need to find out why my hormones have flat-lined and why I have no cycle. We will do another ultrasound and blood work next Wednesday, and all of my testing will be almost done!

So after the HSG was done, I decided not to go back to work because I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I decided instead to go through the drive through at Chick-fil-A and go home and rest and relax with my heating pad. And my puppy, Ginger.

Please continue to pray for me.