I Can Do This!

You've probably noticed my new button to the side, the "I can do this" one. I got it from my dear friend's blog. She had the fabulous idea to have her hubby design a button to remind her of her 2011 goals. I love it, so, I'm using it too! My "I can do this" is...

• read through the Bible in one year
• be consistent in my daily time with God - reading and prayer
• get healthy! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
• win in my battle of my mind - no more negative thoughts
• love my husband. Of course, I love my husband and I'm madly in love with him and my love grows for him every day, but I'm talking about sacrificial love and loving him like Christ loves us. Some days I'm just plain selfish...
• know my identity in Christ, and who that makes me.
• the infamous 5K! Yes, I registered for the 5K in February. I probably will power walk most of it, since training for the run would require actual running, which would cause me to lose weight. And weight loss is not my goal. But, I am excited to do it, especially with a couple of dear friends. We are all walking/running for various reasons, and it will be exciting to do it together. 

So there you have it. I CAN DO THIS!!!

Identity?

Lately, my mind has been battling with questioning who I am, why I am here, and who God really is. I found myself thinking, "If all we do is live and die, what is the point? Why not just be in Heaven with God now?" What does God have for me? What does it mean for my identity to be in Christ? Honestly, some of these thoughts and questions have scared me. For years, I have acted like I know the answers to all of these questions, at least I know the "right" and "taught" answers. But have I found the answers for myself? Have I allowed God to reveal to me my purpose and identity in Him? I don't think so. For so long, I have been acting like I have it all together, but a major trial has come, revealing my true self. And I don't like what I see. It's scary. Through all of this, I have discovered, for myself and without someone telling or teaching me, that I need God. I really need God. I can't do it without Him.

I know I am a child of God, but I am discovering what that actually means. I am learning about my inheritance in Christ, about what I have already been given. And I am trying to look at the Bible in a new and fresh way. I have been raised memorizing Scripture, knowing the stories, and I am afraid that that is what they have become - stories. The Bible is real, living, and truth. The Bible doesn't tell just mere stories about abnormal people, these are accounts of what happened to normal, simple people, just like me. I am asking God to reveal these stories to me in a new and fresh way, with a perspective that doesn't say "Oh, I've heard this story before. I know what happens." That is complacency, and I have been guilty of it for too long.

I recently read a teaching out of my new devotional "Longing for a Child" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I would highly recommend it to anyone dealing with infertility. This teaching was called "Stolen Identity." Here's an excerpt of what she said,

"As a victim of life's circumstances, you may feel as if a part of who you hoped to become - in a sense, your identity, has been taken. Even though you may cry out, seek help, and try to make the most of your life, at times you may feel incomplete, as if the thief has ransacked your life."

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I had woven that into my identity of who I was going to be. So yes, I do feel like a major part of my identity has been stolen. I was to be daughter (which I am), wife (which I also am) and mother. I feel like my anticipated role as a parent has been snatched out from under me. I wonder if I have become so obsessed with becoming a mother that I have lost track of my identity. I was reminded by my devotional that I am - 

1. A child of God...1 John 3:1
2. A member of the body of Christ...1 Cor. 12:27
3. A carefully crafted creation of God in Christ...Eph. 2:10
4. The bride of Christ...Rev. 19:7
5. A letter from Christ...2 Cor. 3:3

Now I am just scratching the surface as to what all of that really means for me, and what it means for my identity to be in Christ. I am asking God to reveal to me what my identity is and means, and what my purpose is. I know this won't happen overnight, but I am expecting God to reveal these things. I know He desires only good for me. And I know that He loves me. 

Happy Christmas...

Christmas, SDFA, Ensure, and expectation...

Well, hello blog. I haven't written in two weeks. I had a goal that I would blog at least once a week, but December has taken its toll. Things have been going non-stop, with teaching, meetings at church, leading worship, and making time for family and friends. I am looking forward to Christmas break - I get two whole weeks off! We will be up north in WI/IA for most of those two weeks, so I'm not really considering it a "break." But, I am making sure that we come home before my break is completely up so we can have some relaxing days at home before back to work.

Like I said, there have been so many things going on. Here is just a glimpse...

• Work has been crazy! The kids get all geared up for Christmas, and I suppose I encourage it with my entire lesson plans being centered around Christmas music. They love it, but I need a break.
• I came down with a cold over the weekend that has now manifested itself into a full-blown cold, so that is making me tired. I am claiming healing!
• I finished all of my fertility testing with my RE at NewLIFE. It is a relief. I felt like I just should've camped out there...I had four ultrasounds, lots of bloodwork, and the HSG procedure. We did Michael's SDFA test, which stands for Sperm DNA Fragmentation Assay. Basically, it looks at the DNA of the sperm, to make sure everything is genetically ok. And it also tells you if you are a candidate for the various forms of ART (assisted reproductive technology, for example, IVF or IUI). We got the results today, and everything came back normal! Which is great news for us. We now know that the sperm's DNA is fine and that if needed, we can proceed with ART. The motility is still considered low or abnormal, but at least we know that genetically, everything is okay. Now we just wait for early January to come so we can sit down with the RE to discuss our treatment plan and options.
• I am loving Joyce Meyer's teachings! I listen to her podcast every day, and I have been getting so much out of it. I feel like she is speaking right to me, especially since her topics have included "God our Peace, God our Healer, What do You Want Out Of Life?, This is Just a Test." I highly recommend that you look her up.
• I have been at a spiritual crossroads. I got to a point where I felt that I had to either dive in and choose God, or walk away completely. Let me tell you, I have been in a battle between my flesh and my spirit. My flesh has told me to walk away, and has left me questioning life and purpose. But I know that that is not what I must do. I must choose God. So I am making a daily choice for God. I am digging into the Bible, I am praying, I am claiming His promises over my life. There are times where I really don't want to, but I know I must. I think God rewards persistence, and if you force yourself, soon your heart and spirit will follow. Whew! Heavy, I know. 
• I just started reading "Hannah's Hope," a book on infertility from a Christian perspective. I am only through chapter two, and I must say "wow!" This book verbalizes the things that I have been feeling and going through in a way that I could never have put to words. It reassures me that I am not alone in this journey, I am not going crazy, and what I am feeling as I go through this is "normal."
• I love Christmas, but this year is going to be more challenging. Last Christmas, I was convinced that we would be celebrating "baby's first Christmas" this year. My two brothers both had their first children this past year, and one is already preggers with their second. I am excited to see them, it is just bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for them and love them dearly. It's just hard when I am at the place I am in right now. And, this will be the first year without Michael's stepfather...
• I started drinking Ensure. Haha, don't laugh at me. I just have been so nauseated that I haven't been eating very much, which has caused me to lose weight. I realized the other day that although my nausea is likely caused by the hormones and meds, that some of it may be caused by what's called "grief nausea." This makes sense to me now. Going through infertility is like going through a grief process. 
• I am waiting on the Lord. Not passively! Waiting means expecting! I am expecting God to move in my life. Every day, I say things similar to this out loud- "God, I am expecting You to heal my body. I am expecting You to reveal Yourself to me. I am expecting You to do great things in my life. I am expecting You to move like never before. I am expecting You to comfort. I am expecting You to heal my mind. I am expecting to see You like never before!!!" What a way to go through the day, in expectation of God's promises, instead of just passively "waiting on God." 

Merry Christmas...

Hysterosalpingogram

It's such a long and fancy medical term - I don't think I can even pronounce it. So let's go by the abbreviation, HSG.

Today I went to Sacred Heart Hospital to get a HSG done. I was pretty nervous about it, because I had done some research on it, and they all said that it was pretty uncomfortable. I checked in and was given some paperwork and then sat and waited to be admitted. As I was looking through the paper work, I saw the order for the procedure that my RE sent to the hospital. On it was some basic information, my name, date of birth, and then there was a slot labeled "diagnosis." It said "unexplained infertility." Those words hit me like a brick. I know and have known for a while that we are dealing with infertility, but the whole term with "unexplained" written on paper just made it so final for me. So I sat and cried. I broke. In a hospital waiting room. I honestly didn't care what other people saw or what they were thinking. I took out my phone and meditated on Psalm 91...

My name was called by a very nice nurse, and she prepped me for the procedure. She was a God-send for me. She wanted to know about me and my TTC journey so far, and she was genuinely interested. She told me about her sister going through a similar thing, and that she ended up preggers (via IVF) with twins. Those stories always give me hope. To know that I am not the only one in this, and that many others have successfully had babies.

The doctor came in and started the procedure. He inserted a catheter into my cervix, inflated a balloon inside, and administered the dye. It sounds painful, and yes, it was. Thank God it was short. I was able to watch the scan that they were doing, and I watched the dye fill my uterus and then flow freely through my right fallopian tube and into my ovary. That was very good news - my right was clear! The dye flowed into my left fallopian tube, but would not flow into my ovary. The doctor increased the amount of dye, and then finally, the dye flowed through the tube into my left ovary. The doctor told me that I probably had a blockage in my left, but that the dye cleaned it all out, and everything is flowing the way it should. This happens to many women who have this procedure done - it clears out the blockage and several get pregnant after the HSG.

So, it was good news in a sense. We can rule out any blockage. Now we just need to find out why my hormones have flat-lined and why I have no cycle. We will do another ultrasound and blood work next Wednesday, and all of my testing will be almost done!

So after the HSG was done, I decided not to go back to work because I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I decided instead to go through the drive through at Chick-fil-A and go home and rest and relax with my heating pad. And my puppy, Ginger.

Please continue to pray for me.

Reflections

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially on this past year. I honestly feel like this has been the most challenging year of my life. So much has happened physically, mentally, and spiritually. If I could go back a year ago and tell myself what to prepare for, here is what I would say...

Get ready. Arm yourself. Get your prayer life in order. Be consistent in meeting with God every day. Clothe yourself daily with the Word of God and His promises. Guard your mind - don't let the devil get a foothold in your mind. Cling to the verse "do not be anxious about anything."

But the reality is is that I cannot go back in time. I can only imagine if I had done all the above things, I would be so much stronger right now...

Enough of dwelling on the past. I will never move forward if I focus on it. 

Just in the past couple of weeks, I have been praying and reading my Bible a lot more. Which leads me to ask, "God, are You bringing me through all of this for the sole purpose of drawing me closer to You?" I have fully realized that I cannot make it without my Abba. For so long, I have put God on the back burner of my life, and I am caught in between what I want for my life and what God's will is for my life. I believe that I have lived a good Christian life - I have done and said all of the right things. I have lived acknowledging God as my Lord and Saviour, but I have not pursued Him with everything that I am. 

My dear friend blogged the other day, and I needed to hear it. Here's what she said...

HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. 

Psalm 91:1

This is what became clear to me: Whoever makes a genuine effort and sets aside real-time to dig deeper into (meditate on) the Word of God (instead of the self-help section at Barnes & Noble) will live a life of stability, one that is not shaken by a let down, or knocked over by the trials of life.  I will not make it if unless I fill my heart with the truth from God's Word, I just won't make it!!!  I've been fooling myself for too long into thinking that I can make it through any given day off a couple cups of good coffee and a #6 from whataburger.  I desire patience & self-control in my life, but the truth is: those things have already been given to me as a daughter of Christ.  They are fruits of the spirit. But the older I get the more I realize those things are given as seeds, and they will not grow in my life if not lived out.  I have to KILL (literally kill) the things that take precedence over the fruits of the spirit.

Although my situation is different from what my dear friend is going through, I feel like she was inside of my mind and eloquently wrote down on paper what was jumbled in my head. She is so right - I have to fill my heart with God's word, there is no other way. The fruit of the spirit that I desire most right now is peace, and the only way I will get peace is if I fill my life constantly with the things of the Lord, so I am filled to overflowing. Nothing else will fill me to overflowing - not my job, not my family, not my church, not my husband, and for too long, I have been putting my everything into those things. 

Tennessee Extravaganza 2010

Michael and I took a well needed vacation to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. We drove up Wednesday with our BFFs (The Moore's) and met up with our other BFFs (The Cutler's) at a cabin in the hills that we rented. We stayed through Sunday, and had many great adventures! 

The view from the cabin was breath-taking, and the cabin itself was gorgeous, with a game room and a hot tub. We were able to make breakfast every morning, too! 

Enjoying a popcorn break with my buddy, Isaak. 

We spent our first afternoon in Gatlinburg. The main street was full of shops, attractions, and lots of food! We all decided to ride the lifts up to the top of one of the mountains. It was so much fun, and a little scary, because only one small bar was holding you in. 

 The boys at the top!

 Taking a walk with my sweet, sweet bubby. I love him!

The next day, we went to Smoky Mountains National Park, where we drove the famous Cade's Cove. The drive brought you through the mountains and the valleys of the Smoky's, where you could stop along the way at different look-outs and old cabins and churches. We had a great time. Our first stop was a picnic by a beautiful river. 

If you look closely, you will see our lumberjack husbands exploring the banks of the river. 

We stopped at many different points along the way to take pictures. Amick brought his snazzy camera, and was able to take our Christmas photos. His turned out a lot better, especially with his incredible editing, but as you will see, my camera took some okay ones! 

I love these girls!!!

So sweet!

Along the drive, we saw a lot of wildlife, including turkeys, deer, and this huge black bear!

The next day, we went to the Apple Barn Cider Mill. The place was awesome - it was an apple orchard with all these different country buildings with a general store, restaurant, apple cafe, bakery, and winery. It was gorgeous. We enjoyed apple pie. apple cider, and bottled coke. YUM!!!

Jessica and Christy saw an apple tree for the first time ever! 

And then... we found a pecan tree! I had never seen one before. So, we sat under the tree for a while, eating a ton of pecans!

Later that night, we rode go carts and went mini golfing. Fun!

Isaak even went on some rides - all by himself for the first time! He is such a big boy!

The boys showing off their golfing skills...

On our final morning, we woke up to snow on the mountain tops. It was gorgeous. I didn't want to leave at all.

We had such a great vacation, and we even said that we should make it an annual trip! We had an incredibly relaxing time, and I left feeling refreshed and encouraged. 

Am I Going Out Of My Mind?!

One year... One year ago, I was convinced that I would be holding a newborn by now. So much has happened in one short, yet long, year...

Michael's stepfather was killed in a tragic accident. It left me questioning God. I have witnessed my close friends go through tragedies of their own, and I am again left questioning God. I have struggled with our diagnosis of infertility, and I am questioning God. I feel numb, and I find myself questioning my purpose, human purpose in general, God's will, God's sovereignty, and it sometimes leaves me incredibly depressed. But through all of this, I have found myself seeking God more, praying more, and reading my Bible more. I have found that the only thing that will get me out of my swings of depression is to read Scripture, mostly Psalms. 

For the past couple of months, I have been experiencing these crazy feelings of anxiety and depression. I really can't explain it, it comes in waves. And when I am feeling well, I dread the next time I will feel bad. It has become a vicious cycle. I started doing some research about what I am feeling, because my entire life I have been such an upbeat, positive person. And I found that many other women who are in my shoes experience the same thing, and that it is usually caused by a hormonal imbalance (which I definitely have), as well as the stress of infertility. I honestly feel like I am going out of my mind.

Pastor Josh's message on Sunday brought me to my knees. It was all about maintaining a healthy heart through our thought lives. We are to saturate our thoughts with God's truth and identify and reject dominating thoughts that compete with God's truth. So I have taken on the challenge of taking every thought captive and to guard my thoughts. When the depression and anxiety creeps in triggering negative and fearful thoughts, I stop them in their tracks and remind myself of a truth about God and what God says about me. I am on day three of doing this, and I hope to form it into a habit. I am already seeing the benefits. During his message, Pastor Josh said that our minds become so focused on the negative or the problem that we block out the good and what God has done. That is what I have been doing. I also have allowed my circumstance to rule my life, and that leads to no joy and no peace, all of which I confess to feeling. And so, I am doing my best to focus on this...

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. 

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

Last month, Michael and I, after setting aside time to pray and seek God, decided to go ahead and see the  reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist) at NewLIFE (New Leaders in Fertility and Endocrinology). After going nowhere in our fertility for a year, and me not getting a period on my own in over a year, we decided it was time to seek the specialist's treatment. I think the receptionist noticed my desperation in wanting to immediately see the doctor, so she got us in very quickly. We sat down with the doctor and went over everything in detail. I was very impressed with him, he was kind and compassionate, sensitive and encouraging. Basically, we know things are not right.  And he immediately saw that things were not right, and that we were in the right place and would receive the right help. The doctor explained that in order to get to the source of our infertility, we would have to go through a month of lots of testing. He put me on progesterone to induce a period, and then the testing begins. I did get my period yesterday, so I will be doing blood work tomorrow to run my hormone levels. Over the next couple of weeks as I go on clomid once again to induce ovulation, I will have blood work, a couple of ultrasounds, and a test where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes. Michael will also be tested again, this time more thoroughly. All of these tests will show the doctor what exactly is going on, and then we will be able to go from there. After the tests are completed and the results are in, we will once again sit down with the doctor and he will create a treatment plan for us, which I am guessing will be in early January. 

Please pray for us as we go through this month of testing. Please pray for my spirit, that the anxiety and depression will cease. Pray that the tests will show clear results. Pray that I physically will feel better - the nausea, dizziness, and fatigue has taken a toll. Pray for my husband, that he will have the strength to put up with me as I am incredibly hormonal, and that he will be uplifted and encouraged in his day to day life. 

Fighting For Our Babies

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs where a mommy-to-be was giving an update about her pregnancy. She wrote about defeating the enemy in carrying a healthy baby to full term. If you go back and read her story from the beginning, you will find that she lost her first baby.  Her post reminded me of a conversation that I had with hubby a while back. We had just been told that Michael's analysis was abnormal, and that I also was having issues with my own body in the area of fertility. I clearly remember my husband saying "I guess we are going to have to fight for our kids."

And it really hit me today. We truly are going to have to fight for our children. The enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy, and I firmly believe that Satan does not want Michael and I to have children. The moment we have our children, we will give them right back to God. I pray that our future children will be mighty warriors for God, and Satan does not want to see that happen. I hear the enemy daily whispering lies, saying "God has left you" or "He won't give You children." And some days, I listen to those lies and completely question God. 

Then I heard a song today that said "In all things we know that we are more than conquerors." The battle has already been won! The enemy has already been defeated, and I will claim that I am victorious, and I will keep singing of victory! 

And so we will not give up! We will fight and we will see victory, for it has already been won. 

Thank you Jesus!

Amen and amen!

Trust

I love this song by Kristene Mueller...actually, the whole album is awesome. This song, Trust, has been speaking to me in so many ways. I hope it blesses you as well. 

A Lesson From Lazarus (part one)

I am in the middle of reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie is the wife of Todd, the lead singer in the music group Selah. Angie and Todd were pregnant with their fourth child when they were told that the baby was "incompatible with life" and would not live much past her birth. Angie carried baby Audrey to full term. After the baby arrived, she only lived for over two hours. This book is an incredible and true story of faith and grief. Throughout the book, Angie weaves the story of Lazarus (from the book of John) with her own story of grief and heartache. I have never before seen that story of Lazarus like I do now...

When Lazarus became sick, his sisters Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, saying "Lord, the one You love is sick" (John 11:3). Mary and Martha knew that Jesus could heal, but they never asked Him to. They simply stated what the problem was and waited to see what Jesus would do. I know that I have not asked for healing this way. I usually say, or more like beg "Lord, heal my body. Heal my husband's body. Give us a baby." Basically I am telling God what He should do. But what Angie pointed out in her book totally spoke to me - recognize who He is (sovereign), tell Him the problem, and leave the rest to Him. Talk about surrender!

Lord, my husband and I are infertile.

After Jesus received word from Mary and Martha about Lazarus, He waited two days before traveling to see them. I'm sure the sisters were beginning to feel impatient, wondering why the Lord did not come immediately. In John 11:14-12, Jesus tells the disciples that Lazarus is dead, but He is glad because they will be able to witness a miracle and believe. But Mary and Martha did not know this at the time - they wanted to know that He was coming. 

It has been almost a year, Lord. And no baby, not even any improvement in our fertility. Are You really coming? Are You allowing us to wait so our little baby will be a miracle and we and others will believe?

Lazarus died. After being buried for four days, Mary and Martha finally heard that Jesus was coming. The very first thing that Martha tells Jesus when he arrives is that her brother would still be alive if He had been there - John 11:21. But she continues by saying "But I know that even now God will give You whatever You ask" - John 11:22. Jesus did go on to tell her that Lazarus would rise, but Martha assumed He meant Lazarus' resurrection into heaven. Then Jesus said "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even if he dies; and whoever believes in me will never die." Then he asked Martha, "Do you believe this?" And Martha replied "Yes, Lord." 

I know that You are God, but I feel hurt that You haven't met me where I wanted You to be. But in this moment of hurt, I believe You are who You say You are. I believe. And I need to hear my own voice declaring that.

So Martha goes back to the house to tell Mary to go meet Jesus. Mary immediately got up and ran. Mary just buried her brother. But when she heard that Jesus was close by, she ran to Him, falling at His feet, saying "Kai nyn" - translated "even now." 

Even now, Lord, I believe You can heal. Even now, when the doctor's can't explain. Even now, a year later.

As Mary wept at Jesus' feet, He became "angry in spirit and very agitated." According to scholars, this emotion was directed at death itself, angry at the hurt that Mary and Martha were feeling. And Jesus wept. The Bible reveals that while Mary and Martha were wailing, Jesus was weeping. To paraphrase Angie, Mary and Martha's tears moved Jesus, causing Him to weep. He was not crying over Lazarus' death, but over the hurt He is experiencing with the people He loves. And to quote Angie, "He isn't crying because the situation is hopeless, but because He is an empathetic God. He knows they can't see hope."

Lord, I weep, I wail. You weep for my hurt. At times I can't see hope. But You know that there is hope. I cling to that.

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." II Corinthians 4:16-18 

More to come...

God uses us!

This morning, my alarm clock that plays KLOVE radio station went off at 5:45 like it does every day. I leaned over to hit the snooze, but I stopped when I heard what they were saying. The radio hosts were talking about how God uses us, despite our faults, despite our sin. There are many times when I question God and how he is using me. I often think, "How could God use me when..."

* I have a hard time trusting You

* I lack consistent time with You

* I have put other idols in Your place, such as shopping 

* I have been materialistic

* I'm not the greatest communicator

* At times, I just don't want to

* I feel stuck and broken

But then I looked at this list, and found incredible encouragement. The people listed below are known as great people of the Bible, who accomplished much for God. They, despite some great faults, were used incredibly.

Noah was a drunk; (Genesis 9:20-22).

Abraham was too old; (Genesis 17th chapter).

Isaac was a daydreamer; (Book of Genesis).
Jacob was a liar; (25th chapter of Genesis).
Leah was ugly, (Genesis 29:17).
Joseph was abused; (Genesis 37:24-36).
Moses stuttered; Exdodus 4:10).
Gideon was afraid; (Judges 8).
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer; (Judges 14th chapter).
Rahab was a prostitute; (Joshua 2:1).
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young; (Jere.1:6-7 and Ist Timothy).
David had an affair and was a murderer; (2nd Samuel 11:3-27).
Elijah was suicidal; (1 King 19th chapter).
Isaiah preached naked; (Isaiah 37th chapter).
Jonah ran from God; (The book of Jonah)
Naomi was a widow; (Ruth 1:3).
Job went bankrupt; (The Book of Job).
Peter denied Christ; (Matt.26:69-70).
The Disciples fell asleep while praying; (Matt.14:37).
Martha worried about everything; (Luke 10:40).
Magadalene was... well you know, (Mark 16:9).
The Samaritan woman was divorced more than once; (John:4:8).
Zaccheus was too small; (Luke 19:3).
Paul was too religious; (Acts 8:1).
Timothy had an ulcer; (1Timothy 5:23).
Lazarus was dead! (John 11 chapter).


WOW! XOXO!!!

  

     

You Raise Me Up

Can I just say how incredibly blessed I am by two amazing women in my life! They are godly women in every sense of the word. They mean more to me than they will ever know. They are my support, my strength, and God speaks to me through them. Today I received a word from my girl through texting. Five minutes later, I received another word from my other girl. Both of them had been given a word from God to give to me. And they obeyed. And my life is blessed because of it. Christy and Jessica, I love you beyond words. You are my sisters, given to me by God for such a time as this. I can't help but think of this song....

Stuck

This Sunday at church, I witnessed one of the most incredible sermons that I have ever personally heard. Nate Campbell, three time lightweight world champion boxer, preached. My BFF, Christy, summed it up so wonderfully...

God has placed a word inside of each and every one of us that we are called & expected to share.  Because of our unique life and individual circumstances, the word that we are called to give, can only come from us....and we are held responsible to do so.  We serve a God who is bigger than any short-coming or fear that we can muster up.  He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called.  We are all called - every single one of us.

 At one point in his message, Nate asked everyone to tell the person next to us a word that you felt had been given to you. I leaned over to my hubby and whispered the first thing that came into my mind. "He makes all things work together for my good." He whispered back "He is the Healer. And we will have babies."  This immediately brought me to tears. I honestly was not expecting to hear that that was hubby's word. That word was given to him by God, and I am clinging to that promise, and that God's word will not return void. 

Near the end of Nate's message, he asked "Who here feels stuck?" In my mind, I was screaming "I do!!!" He told those of us who were "stuck" to stand up. I refused. I stayed in my seat, knowing that I feel stuck, knowing that I need to acknowledge it, knowing that I needed to stand. But I didn't - I stayed in my seat. Nate then ministered to those people and their specific situations. I kept feeling a prompting - "Stand up! Join them!" Again, I refused. 

And now I regret it. I regret disobeying God and His promptings. I regret not experiencing the freedom that I know I need to experience. But, I am not lost - I can have the freedom from my life, my circumstances, my troubles, through a radical relationship with Christ. I cannot be changed over night - I can be changed through daily committing to God, and being daily in the word. And I can be changed through consistent surrender. 

As I've said before in previous posts, God is doing a work in my life. Because I still cannot cohesively explain everything, I will just tell you what I'm feeling - 

• My heart feels callused, hardened to God's voice and what He has for me. I have come to recognize this, and I am saddened by it.
• I realize the only way things will change in regards to the above is if I commit to daily time with Him. It is such a struggle for me!
• I know that I have a word to share with those around me. God has given me it to me through my experiences in life, and I no longer have no excuse to share it with those around me. How could I not share about God?! He has redeemed me from the pit, from the mud and the mire!
• I don't feel well - physically. I am exhausted. I am getting some blood work done to hopefully give some answers. I just physically want to be myself again...
• I am really struggling with our infertility right now. I've just had a rough last couple of weeks dealing with it. My heart just aches. 

So, I feel stuck. Stuck in my relationship with God, stuck in infertility. Stuck in knowing what I need to do and not doing it. I want this season of life to be over, but I am clinging to the promise that God has me here for a reason, and that I will look back at this time and say "Thank you, Lord, for that season in my life..." 

Back In the Saddle Again...

I love horses. I love everything that has to do with horses - the work involved, being outside, doing labor, the care required, and the persistence that riding demands. Most people don't know that I worked at a ranch all the way through high school and into my freshman year in college. I spent my summers and vacation time working with and training horses, leading trail rides, teaching riding lessons, and stocking the barn with hay. I love building a relationship with a horse, until the horse trusts the rider, and the rider trusts the horse. It is as if horse and rider become one, and it is an incredible feeling. I love working with the horses that aren't perfect, and doing my best to make them a great riding horse.

I drive by a ranch every day - it is about 2 miles from our house. I feel that longing to ride swell up inside of me. I hadn't been riding in three years...until Saturday. Our good friends, The Gollohers, knew that I love riding. We talk about it a lot, because their relatives own a few horses on some beautiful acreage. They called and invited me to go - I was absolutely delighted!

As soon as we pulled up to the farm, I felt instantly at home. The rolling fields were gorgeous, and the fresh fall smell was invigorating. I met Sweet Pea, the horse I would be riding that day. As I plopped down into the saddle, I felt so comfortable - I hadn't forgotten a thing. I took the reins in my hands, and off we went. Now Sweet Pea is not a perfect horse - just the way I like it. She is stubborn, clumsy, and didn't pay attention. But, she allowed me to work with her.

As we were riding through the fields, I noticed Sweet Pea's lack of focus on the trail ahead. She constantly moved her head from side to side, and even occasionally glanced behind her. She was easily distracted by the other horses and the donkeys in the nearby field. This caused her to trip and stumble over her own feet. At a few points, she tried to challenge my authority as rider, wanting to do her own thing. But I didn't budge - I wouldn't let her. Throughout our 3 hours of riding, I constantly had to pull Sweet Pea's head back to focus on the trail. A little tug on the reins reminded her to look ahead. By the end of our ride, I barely had to remind Sweet Pea! Success! And we were able to trot around and have a good time.

As I think back to my first ride with Sweet Pea, I can't help but think of our relationship with Christ. We are traveling down this trail in life, with so many distractions all around. Like Sweet Pea, we move our head from side to side and are not focused on the path ahead. When we are not focused, we become clumsy and stumble. Christ continually takes the reins and gives a little tug to remind us to keep our eyes set on the path before us. There are times when we rebel and want our own way, heading off of the trail and into the woods. But we are guided back to the trail by our Creator - sometimes gently, and sometimes forcibly. When we position ourselves to listen to Christ and to hear the cues that He gives, we are focused and travel down the path that He has set before us. The path is not straight and easy - there are potholes, rushing rivers, and twists and turns that we run unto along the way, but with our focus on the path ahead and as Christ as our leader, we will continue on.

XOXO

Do as I say, not as I do...

This is a common phrase that many of us are familiar with. We hear it from many of our elders and leaders, who show a bad example (such as smoking, drinking, or other unhealthy choices) and do not want us to follow them. It seems to be casually used, and no one really takes offense to it.

But think about this...when did it become acceptable for leaders in the Christian faith to use and live out this common phrase? Now, most of those leaders would never actually say the phrase, but their actions scream it loudly.

It seems that all around me, so many living this way. These people claim to know God. They can recite the Scriptures with eloquence, and they seem to know all the right answers. But that is just knowledge - and I can see right through that. Even many atheists know a  lot about the Bible. On the surface, these people say the right "Christian" things, seem to make the right "Christian" choices. But their actions speak of a religion that I want no part of. We are called to be like Christ - in like-mindedness, and in actions.

Now don't get me wrong - we all deal with sin issues in our lives. And it is only by God's grace that we are forgiven. But once we enter into God's grace, we cannot abuse it. It is like addiction - you succumb to the addiction, ask for forgiveness, only to go back to that addiction a couple days later, and again, and again, each time asking for God's grace and forgiveness. This, my friends, is abuse of God's grace. In this life, we will be tempted, but God ALWAYS provides a way out - we just have to be in tune to His voice to see that way out. (please understand that I am also speaking to myself in the above and the following...God is doing a work in my life, especially when it comes to this).

I think grace abuse is running rampant in our churches. We so desperately want to reach people and bring them to the Lord, that we dump all of our efforts into showing love and grace, and sometimes we push truth aside. Now, I wholeheartedly agree that showing God's love first to people is the most effective way to reach them. But after that love is shown and received, truth needs to be applied. The truth that says we are to lay down all of idols on the threshing floor. The truth that says we are to put off our former ways of living. The truth that says we are to radically pursue God - and that means destroying all sin patterns in our lives. Throughout the New Testament, Christ showed His love to people. But He also repeatedly rebuked the religious leaders, the elite, and the pharisees for their man-pleasing, man-made religiosity. And I fully believe that this "love and grace only" approach is a part of the watered-down Christianity of today. There is a time for love and grace, my friends, but there is a necessary time for God's truth and knowing what it really means to be a Christ-follower.

As I said before, our own leaders in the church of America are guilty. Many are modern day pharisees. They lead on a Sunday morning, with wholehearted worship, and are filled for the week. But then their personal lives throughout the week are full of sin. As leaders in the church, we are called to a higher standard. There is no arguing that. We are to lead by example, on Sundays and during the week, so that the body will see and know Christ. It doesn't matter how much Scripture we can quote, and if we can give the right answers. And if a member of the body, especially an individual, is sinning, that needs to be addressed. We are to firmly confront our brothers and sisters on their sin patterns. To me, this is an incredible demonstration of love - to be able to say "I love you enough to be able to tell you STOP IT!"

Consider this from Romans -

1:18-23 "But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over the truth. But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is!

What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat Him like God, refusing to worship Him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life."

Dying Star

I haven't blogged in a long time. Life has been so busy these past few weeks. Lots of worship practices, time with family and friends, and several other things have been going on. It seems like we have something happening every night of the week. But busyness is only half the reason why I haven't blogged in a while. 

There are so many life-changing things happening within the Swift family. God is doing a major work. And I'm not sure what is really happening. I have been grasping at words to explain what is going on, but I haven't found the words to describe. All I know is that I have had it with the fake in this world. Fake spirituality is running rampant. We all have been guilty of it. But I see it much more clearly, for some reason. God has been revealing so much to Michael and I, individually. And then when we talk about it, we find out that we are feeling the same thing. And then when we talk with our closest friends, we find out that they are feeling it too. And I feel that we have already been labeled the weird ones - labeled by the church! I feel as if I am standing, yelling at the top of my lungs "THIS IS TRUTH!!! THIS IS CHRISTIANITY! THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS!" and all the while, the church is staring at me saying that I am the weird one. The truth I speak of is plainly given in the Scriptures. So why has this truth become a watered down, man-pleasing version of Christianity???

I know that this is probably an odd blog post. I really have no main point. As I said before, I am searching for words to fully describe, but I cannot find them. When I figure it out, I will let you know. 

More to come....

The lyrics to this song are incredible. It describes a lot of what I am feeling.

Dying Star

by

Jason Upton 

You've got your best man on the front side

You always show your best side
And evil's always on the other side
You say this is your strategy
But son I hope you take it from me
You look just like your enemy
You're full of pride
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord
And the greatest idol is you and me,
We better get on the threshing floor
When will we learn that God's strategy
Is giving glory to the Lord?
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord


Star how beautiful you shine
You shine more beautiful than mine
You shine from sea to shining sea
World-wide is your strategy
But shinning star I hope you see
If the whole wide world is staring straight at you
They can't see me...


So rise, rise, rise
Live out your fantasy
Think that you're better than me
Rise, rise, rise
Live out your man-made religiosity
Rise, rise, rise
Live out your strategies
Rise, rise, rise
So the world can see
Just another dying star


Raise up an army, oh God!
In the army of the Lord
There's no room for idolatry
In the army of the Lord
Theres no room for man-pleasing
In the army of the Lord

Fun in Foley!

The girls and I had been talking about making a trip over to Foley together. We decided Saturday was the perfect day to go! The boys went to two Guitar Centers, and we headed to shop 'till we dropped!

So we loaded up Isaak, and off we went! Isaak was thrilled for a shopping day out with the girls. 

First stop - Old Time Pottery (and it was Jess' first time there)!

We love this place - so many unique things for a great price. With all that shopping, we took a little rest...Bubby really didn't want to rest. There were too many things to see.

When Isaak got tired of being in the stroller, I took him out to walk him around. There were just so many things that he wanted to see. He would point and say "oooo!" and run towards that item. So we put him on a leash. I laughed so hard.

We had to stop and wave and say "hi" to everything, including: The life size Santa, a little ceramic church, fish, pots and pans, and the deer...

Next stop - The outlet mall!!! The boys met us out there, and were able to entertain Isaak so Christy could get a little shopping done. Notice Jess, Jeremy, and Isaak all wearing Chucks. I need to get a pair! I am so excited they have made a come back. :)

Next stop - Lambert's Cafe! It was the Moore's first time eating there - we had a blast.

Watch out for the flying rolls!

Isaak entertained himself with the balloon.

We were stuffed! But, we all had enough leftovers to have lunch the next day.

We had such a great day with our best friends. I love them so much! I look forward to our many adventures to come.

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God, if you are a God of love, then You need to show me, because I certainly don't feel it at all right now. How is allowing a tragic accident to take a man's life love? How is an incredible, godly woman becoming a widow twice love? How is allowing my BFF Christy to go through 4 miscarriages love? How is allowing my BFF Jessica and her hubby to go through infertility love? And how is allowing Michael and I to go through infertility love? If all of these things are in Your ultimate plan, what good purpose could they serve? You could've stopped the tree from falling on Jim. You could've healed Christy's babies. You could breathe life into Jessica's womb. And you could breathe life into mine. But You chose not to - how is that love? It just doesn't make sense.