This is a huge step. I have been blogging privately since August of 2010 with only a few selected readers. I am now making my blog public, for anyone to read.
Over the last several months, my blog has chronicled my story. My story has been full of pain, anguish, joy, excitement, the good and the bad that life has had for us. My blog has also included inspiration from Scripture, songs, and other adventures that hubby and I have been on.
You see, my husband and I had been battling an infertility diagnosis for a year and a half. Our "trying to conceive" story started in the fall of 2009, and led to many tests revealing great pain. I was diagnosed with anovulatory infertility, which means my body does not ovulate. My husband also had some slight abnormalities that were revealed in his testing. I was torn and crushed, and I felt as if my body was completely broken. I questioned God about everything - my life, my purpose, His existence and plan, and if He really was a loving God. I battled feelings of anxiety and depression. Everyday, the ache in my heart for a child grew and grew, and I continued to spiral downward. I got to the point of making a choice - walking away from God, or force myself to believe in Him and His plan. And I knew what my only choice was - give it to Him, and wait on our miraculous Healer. I forced myself every day to speak God's promises over me. I forced myself to dig into Scripture. I prayed and prayed like never before. A lot of times, my heart was not "in it," but I knew that if my mind would dwell on Him and Him alone, that my heart would have to soon follow.
I was always the girl that everyone expected to be "fertile Myrtle." We were ready to have a baby and I expected it to happen in 2-3 months. But my world came crashing down, as if a wrecking ball came in and destroyed everything I thought I knew about life. A referral to a fertility specialist and several tests and procedures revealed our infertility problem. Our specialist promised treatments and put us on a treatment plan, which included a lot of hormone therapies and medication. These treatments turned me into a hormonal wreck! After five failed clomid treatments, various procedures and testings, and thousands of dollars later, our specialist recommended that we pursue IUI. I was excited, because IUI is a very effective therapy for couples like us.
Our plan was to do a new treatment including the fertility drug femara and injections for one month, in preparation for IUI. After the new treatment cycle was complete (I felt like I lived at the clinic I was there so much), I went in to the clinic for a pregnancy blood test. It revealed that I was actually pregnant! I was shocked and not expecting a positive, and the doctors and nurses were equally shocked. Incredible!!! Due to the fertility treatments, our chance for multiples was extremely high, but we discovered that I am carrying one! And let me tell you, the shock is actually still there. I am almost out of my first trimester, and hubby and I are still asking "is this really happening?" We've waited so long, been through so much, prayed, begged, and pleaded with God, and now it is actually happening. Even as I type this, I still think "Wow! Incredible!" We are rejoicing. Praise God!!!
Many may ask, "Why did you wait this long to share your story? Why not let everyone know that you were battling infertility?" This was a decision that was made clear to us from the beginning. We were only going to share with our closest friends, knowing that they would support and pray for us. There were many reasons for us being "in the closet infertiles," and I will share a few. First of all, I did not want to constantly hear people's "advice" and have to answer those terrible questions like "How is it going?" "Are you still trying?" I just did not want to deal with people who had no clue what we were going through. People can say such hurtful things when they cannot understand or relate to someone's situation. Secondly, infertility can feel like such a private, unspoken issue. It makes you feel like less of a person, like I've failed somehow and cannot live up to society's expectations of "family." I've said many times before, people have no clue what it is like to walk in the shoes of someone dealing with infertility. And to the general public who thinks it is okay to constantly ask couples "when are you going to have kids?", please please please understand that that is one of the most damaging things to ask someone who is trying. Every time someone asked that, it felt like a knife going through my heart. I know these people didn't mean any harm, but if they only knew at the time what we were going through...
So now we are sharing our story! My hope is to educate and inform people, and I would love to be able to reach and minister to others going through similar situations. I know how you feel, I've been there, and it will forever be fresh in my mind and spirit. I will never forget. I pray that God uses our story for great purpose, and it is my ultimate goal to convey the truth that God and God alone is the Healer. It is only because of Him that I am pregnant. Yes, treatments and doctors were "successful," but it is only by the grace of God and His healing will that we are able to celebrate new life. I want to give people hope. Medically speaking, without assistance, my body is unable to produce children. But, through incredible doctors, procedures, and treatments, and by knowing that with God all things are possible and He still works miracles, I am living proof that it can and does happen!!! Amen and amen!!!
I encourage you to go back and read our story from the beginning. You can read the details about our journey as they were happening. Just click on the blog archives to the right to read the posts from the beginning. I have poured my heart over this blog. You can see the pain, the sorrow and the anguish in each one, but you can also see hope and expectation of God to move like never before.
This is our story, our song.
