Identity?

Lately, my mind has been battling with questioning who I am, why I am here, and who God really is. I found myself thinking, "If all we do is live and die, what is the point? Why not just be in Heaven with God now?" What does God have for me? What does it mean for my identity to be in Christ? Honestly, some of these thoughts and questions have scared me. For years, I have acted like I know the answers to all of these questions, at least I know the "right" and "taught" answers. But have I found the answers for myself? Have I allowed God to reveal to me my purpose and identity in Him? I don't think so. For so long, I have been acting like I have it all together, but a major trial has come, revealing my true self. And I don't like what I see. It's scary. Through all of this, I have discovered, for myself and without someone telling or teaching me, that I need God. I really need God. I can't do it without Him.

I know I am a child of God, but I am discovering what that actually means. I am learning about my inheritance in Christ, about what I have already been given. And I am trying to look at the Bible in a new and fresh way. I have been raised memorizing Scripture, knowing the stories, and I am afraid that that is what they have become - stories. The Bible is real, living, and truth. The Bible doesn't tell just mere stories about abnormal people, these are accounts of what happened to normal, simple people, just like me. I am asking God to reveal these stories to me in a new and fresh way, with a perspective that doesn't say "Oh, I've heard this story before. I know what happens." That is complacency, and I have been guilty of it for too long.

I recently read a teaching out of my new devotional "Longing for a Child" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I would highly recommend it to anyone dealing with infertility. This teaching was called "Stolen Identity." Here's an excerpt of what she said,

"As a victim of life's circumstances, you may feel as if a part of who you hoped to become - in a sense, your identity, has been taken. Even though you may cry out, seek help, and try to make the most of your life, at times you may feel incomplete, as if the thief has ransacked your life."

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I had woven that into my identity of who I was going to be. So yes, I do feel like a major part of my identity has been stolen. I was to be daughter (which I am), wife (which I also am) and mother. I feel like my anticipated role as a parent has been snatched out from under me. I wonder if I have become so obsessed with becoming a mother that I have lost track of my identity. I was reminded by my devotional that I am - 

1. A child of God...1 John 3:1
2. A member of the body of Christ...1 Cor. 12:27
3. A carefully crafted creation of God in Christ...Eph. 2:10
4. The bride of Christ...Rev. 19:7
5. A letter from Christ...2 Cor. 3:3

Now I am just scratching the surface as to what all of that really means for me, and what it means for my identity to be in Christ. I am asking God to reveal to me what my identity is and means, and what my purpose is. I know this won't happen overnight, but I am expecting God to reveal these things. I know He desires only good for me. And I know that He loves me. 

Happy Christmas...