Am I Going Out Of My Mind?!

One year... One year ago, I was convinced that I would be holding a newborn by now. So much has happened in one short, yet long, year...

Michael's stepfather was killed in a tragic accident. It left me questioning God. I have witnessed my close friends go through tragedies of their own, and I am again left questioning God. I have struggled with our diagnosis of infertility, and I am questioning God. I feel numb, and I find myself questioning my purpose, human purpose in general, God's will, God's sovereignty, and it sometimes leaves me incredibly depressed. But through all of this, I have found myself seeking God more, praying more, and reading my Bible more. I have found that the only thing that will get me out of my swings of depression is to read Scripture, mostly Psalms. 

For the past couple of months, I have been experiencing these crazy feelings of anxiety and depression. I really can't explain it, it comes in waves. And when I am feeling well, I dread the next time I will feel bad. It has become a vicious cycle. I started doing some research about what I am feeling, because my entire life I have been such an upbeat, positive person. And I found that many other women who are in my shoes experience the same thing, and that it is usually caused by a hormonal imbalance (which I definitely have), as well as the stress of infertility. I honestly feel like I am going out of my mind.

Pastor Josh's message on Sunday brought me to my knees. It was all about maintaining a healthy heart through our thought lives. We are to saturate our thoughts with God's truth and identify and reject dominating thoughts that compete with God's truth. So I have taken on the challenge of taking every thought captive and to guard my thoughts. When the depression and anxiety creeps in triggering negative and fearful thoughts, I stop them in their tracks and remind myself of a truth about God and what God says about me. I am on day three of doing this, and I hope to form it into a habit. I am already seeing the benefits. During his message, Pastor Josh said that our minds become so focused on the negative or the problem that we block out the good and what God has done. That is what I have been doing. I also have allowed my circumstance to rule my life, and that leads to no joy and no peace, all of which I confess to feeling. And so, I am doing my best to focus on this...

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. 

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

Last month, Michael and I, after setting aside time to pray and seek God, decided to go ahead and see the  reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist) at NewLIFE (New Leaders in Fertility and Endocrinology). After going nowhere in our fertility for a year, and me not getting a period on my own in over a year, we decided it was time to seek the specialist's treatment. I think the receptionist noticed my desperation in wanting to immediately see the doctor, so she got us in very quickly. We sat down with the doctor and went over everything in detail. I was very impressed with him, he was kind and compassionate, sensitive and encouraging. Basically, we know things are not right.  And he immediately saw that things were not right, and that we were in the right place and would receive the right help. The doctor explained that in order to get to the source of our infertility, we would have to go through a month of lots of testing. He put me on progesterone to induce a period, and then the testing begins. I did get my period yesterday, so I will be doing blood work tomorrow to run my hormone levels. Over the next couple of weeks as I go on clomid once again to induce ovulation, I will have blood work, a couple of ultrasounds, and a test where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes. Michael will also be tested again, this time more thoroughly. All of these tests will show the doctor what exactly is going on, and then we will be able to go from there. After the tests are completed and the results are in, we will once again sit down with the doctor and he will create a treatment plan for us, which I am guessing will be in early January. 

Please pray for us as we go through this month of testing. Please pray for my spirit, that the anxiety and depression will cease. Pray that the tests will show clear results. Pray that I physically will feel better - the nausea, dizziness, and fatigue has taken a toll. Pray for my husband, that he will have the strength to put up with me as I am incredibly hormonal, and that he will be uplifted and encouraged in his day to day life.