The Land Between

It's been some time since I've written about spiritual life. I in no way want to compartmentalize my life and put things into boxes, like "baby", "marriage", "God", etc, because ultimately, those things are all intertwined, are weaved into my every day, and are a part of every post that I write.

But I think it's time for a gut check, for me to be honest with myself, for me to be transparent about what God is doing and how He is working. I always have to remind myself that the way God is working in my life could make an impact in someone else's life. And hey, isn't that what it's all about?

Several weeks ago, I sat down for lunch with my dear friend. I expressed to her that I am in a place that is uncomfortable. I'm having a hard time seeing the horizon, seeing what God has for me. I know where I've come from, but I honestly do not know where I am going. Have you ever been there? I know God is leading us, but where? What is it going to look like? I feel like He is making all things new. We are on this journey that is our own, and right now, we are in the land between where we clearly came from to the unknown. We are in a time of transition where at times it is difficult to hear His voice, see His direction, and understand what is to come. We are in a land between. My friend told me that they were starting a small group centered around the topic "The Land Between," based on a book of the same title. It was no coincidence. 

I am in a new season, where I am really struggling with my identity. I've walked away from ministries that I previously poured everything into. I am now a mommy. We are a family. What does that mean for us? Who are we going to become? Where is God leading? He's leading us as a family now, and that is incredibly new for us. 

I have a terribly difficult time even articulating what is going on...

But the land between is fertile ground for God to plant seeds for things to come. 

And in this fertile ground, God is showing me many things, convicting me, moving me, and causing me to take an honest look...

He is showing me that I love Him, but am I in love with Him? There is a huge difference.

I believe in God, but do I believe Him? Again, huge difference.

I've allowed the enemy to whisper lies to me. My thought life is in need of an emergency room. The enemy knows our weaknesses, and he kicks us when we are down.

And how can I expect change and expect God to move when my flesh takes over? There is a constant battle between the spiritual and the flesh, and honestly, my flesh does not want to spend time with Him. My flesh doesn't want to pray, it doesn't want to read His word. 

And another big thing that God has revealed in this land between?

I've used ministry and serving as my crutch. I faithfully served every week, and that was becoming my god. I told myself "I put in my time this week, served Him, worshipped Him, connected with Him on an emotional level, tried to create and conjure up some sort of encounter with Him, so that means God and I are good - our relationship is great!" But it wasn't until I was told to walk away from those ministries and serving that God revealed that to me. And it is a painful reality. Now I am left standing here with no ministry, no form of service to use as a crutch. It's just me and God. I can clearly see how my relationship with Him really is, at it's core. And it hurts. 

So that is a small glimpse into where I am at. I did my best to articulate and explain, but I am still being shown these things...

This is my land between.