Little Did We Know...

 I can't believe we are entering a new school year. This past year has just flown by. At this time last year, two of our friends were in their last trimester of their pregnancies. November rolled around, and both babies came within 24 hours of each other. Michael and I went up to the hospital to visit  - it was so incredible to once again witness one of life's greatest miracles. I was so thankful to spend some sweet moments cuddling with new baby Benjamin. A few days later, Michael and I decided to have a date night. I remember every detail about our night - the restaurant, where we sat, what we ate, our conversation. That night became very important to us, because that night, we decided we were ready to start our own family. I remember asking Michael, as I have in the past, if he wanted to have a baby. I expected his normal response of "someday," but that night, he answered "maybe." I was shocked. I asked again, "really?" And he answered with a definite yes! As we talked about it, we realized that God had been revealing to us individually that we were ready. I had started to feel that desire in my heart, and that desire grew daily. And my husband was having that same desire! I remember thanking God for revealing that to both of us at the same time. After dinner, we even stopped at the store and bought the book "What To Expect Before Your Expecting." And, I stopped birth control immediately and made my first appointment with my new OB/GYN, Dr. S.

I was so excited. I started dreaming about our future babies, what they would look like, how exciting a pregnancy would be. My appointment with Dr. S went great. I absolutely loved him. He was very confident that I would be pregnant within three months. This was great news for us! We seemed like the healthiest, most perfect couple to be able to conceive quickly.

Little did we know....

The three months passed. My cycle was so irregular, with no sign of ovulation and no period. This concerned Dr. S, so he ran some tests, and found that my hormone levels were not where they should be. Basically, my ovaries were not releasing an egg. So the fertility treatments began. At this point, I didn't feel like I was dealing with infertility. I was confident that my body had to just hormonally adjust after going off of the pill. And the fertility drugs would aid in that. So, being the planner that I am, I researched clomid like crazy, and found it to be one of the most successful fertility drugs with a high percentage of success!

Again, little did we know...

I did three cycles on clomid. It was successful in the sense that I was ovulating and I was getting a period. But I was not getting pregnant. And then on the third cycle of treatments, ovulation never occurred and I once again did not have a period. So I would do a fourth round on a very high dose - my last cycle on clomid, for now. My body needs a break. The side effects, physical and emotional, have been exhausting. We then decided to have Michael tested. I just wanted to either rule him out of the situation, or rule him in. The analysis was a simple, easy test. I had full confidence and reassurance in my own spirit that the results would come back completely normal.

Once again, little did we know...

I remember getting the phone call. It was from Dr. S's personal line. The minute I answered the phone, I knew that something was wrong. The tone of his voice said it all. My head was spinning as I listened to Dr. S explain that Michael's sperm motility is abnormal, that they aren't swimming like they should, and that this would cause difficulty in the sperm reaching the egg. He said that at this point, our case is out of his hands and he was referring us to a fertility specialist. I never imagined in a million years that both my husband and I would each have fertility issues. I researched "poor sperm motility" like crazy. And I didn't find much. There aren't a whole lot of treatments available. Basically, the sources said that the male should take a vitamin and eat healthier. Many who deal with this issue turn to IUI or IVF. And there are those who do end up getting pregnant on their own. So there is definite hope, but I still felt utterly hopeless, defeated and crushed. Telling hubby was one of the worst things I have ever had to do. I in no way wanted him to feel that I was upset with him, or that I resented him because of it. He had no reason to apologize or say "sorry." It is out of our hands. The weeks that have followed have been difficult, to say the least. I have been struggling with feeling angry at God, for allowing this to happen to us. I have been angry at the fact that so many drunk teenagers can get pregnant from a one night stand and then end the pregnancy. I even have had feelings of anger when I saw a random pregnant woman. But I can no longer be angry. I felt like I had the right to be angry. But I cannot live like this - it will consume me and turn me into a bitter person. So, I have to choose to praise God, no matter what. And believe me, I have to purposely make the choice every day to praise God despite the circumstances.

I never thought that we would be struggling with this issue. This is the way it is supposed to work - you get married, enjoy just each other for a while, and when you decide to have children, you have children. It shouldn't have to be this difficult. Countless couples decide to have children, and boom! - they are pregnant. Through all of this, I have found such a great understanding of those of us who struggle with infertility. And believe me, you have no idea what it is like unless you walk in the shoes of a couple dealing with infertility or someone who has lost a baby.

We are now in our 9th month of "trying."

So, we are praying.

XOXO