A Peaceful Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster. Up, down, quick turns to the left and right, spirals, and even parts where you hang upside-down. Some days I am creeping slowly up with the top in view, and other days, I feel like I am crashing down and hanging on with all of my might. 

There are days where I am laughing and cheering in anticipation, and days where I am screaming at the top of my lungs out of fear and not knowing what is coming. There are days with unexpected turns and spirals that jerk around. 

This is no 2 minute ride. This is a ride that endlessly lasts day after day. Some days when I wake up and think "Am I still on this ride? Is this some cruel joke?" Oh, how I want to get off. I want to step off of the ride and be greeted with a positive pregnancy test and a growing belly.

But over the past few weeks as I continue on this ride, I have felt...peace. When I came to my place of brokenness, I made a decision to let peace rule my life. We haven been given peace as a part of our inheritance with Christ. I just needed to ask God for revelation about how to access it. And my answer was: prayer, reading the Word, killing the flesh, and guarding my mind. Now, those things are not easy to do. But since I started doing them every day or at least giving it my best shot, these things have happened: I don't feel as sick and nauseated all the time, my feelings of anxiety have lessened, I'm not as depressed, and I'm feeling joy again! Do I still have my bad moments? Yes, of course, daily! There are times where my mind and emotions still go crazy. But I continue to pray for revelation about how to access peace and I pray for wisdom on how to choose peace over my emotions. And when I do so, I feel God's peaceful Spirit calm me down.

So, I am continuing to ride this peaceful roller coaster, day in and day out; up, down and side to side, spirals and all, expectantly waiting for the day I can finally step off!!!