Fear

For the past several months, I have been living in fear and worry. I fear that I will not have a good job in the future. I fear the loss of the ones I love. I fear letting go. I fear that I will never fully trust Him. I fear that I will lose my identity as a child of God. I fear people's judgement. And right now, my biggest fear is that we will never have biological children.

Michael and I talked the other night about how we both are feeling and dealing with infertility. Michael is so strong and confident, and he said that life is never easy. He also said that he fully trusts God in all of this and that he fully believes that God will give us children. As I sat there listening, I thought "I wish I could say in confidence that God will give us children, but I just don't know. " And then Michael said "and if He doesn't, we will still have kids." I admire and love him so much for his faith and unwavering confidence in Christ, but I have not been able to come to that place of confidence that he has. Every day, I question everything. I battle my fear of not having my own children, and I ultimately battle the fear of God's plan for us. I know that sounds terrible, but think this way...what if God's plan for us does not include children? That is the question that I struggle with every day. I know God's plan is the best plan, and that everything in His plan is ordained and holy. But this fear of children not included in His plan is painful and crippling. 

I searched "fear" at biblegateway.com and page after page of verses came up. Here are some about not fearing.

Psalm 3:6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil. For You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 112:17 They will have no fear of bad news, their hearts are steadfast, trusting the Lord.

Isaiah 43:1 Do not fear for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. 

Then I read these verses:

Psalm 31:19 How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear You.

Psalm 33:18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, who hope in His unfailing love. 

Psalm128:1 Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to Him.

Psalm 145:19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.

What if I turned all of my fears and worry into the holy fear of God? Meaning, instead of accomplishing nothing by worrying, I trust and put my hope in God, knowing that His plan is pure and the best thing for me. 

I truly believe that this is a daily process for me. Laying down my fears and in turn fearing God by completely trusting and finding hope in Him. Some days I let my fears get the best of me. But I must, I have to, I have no other choice but to trust in Him. And when I do trust Him, all of my other fears will be calmed and laid to rest.